Archive for the ‘stacy’ Category

STACY - If you really knew me

Monday, November 8th, 2010

So there is this new show on MTV called “If you really knew me”, and I have grown to really appreciate the mission of the program. The idea is that different high schools host a “Challenge Day”, where a team of speakers comes in to facilitate an intervention, of sorts. Each episode starts with a background of the high school, including issues of cyber-bullying, discrimination problems, and/or the concerns that come with the demographics of the area. The specific kids that are highlighted state the specific clique that he or she identifies with, ranging from jock, loner, emo, student council member, etc..

The Challenge Day starts with super fun physical activities at first, and then one of the facilitators talks to the teens about his/her life. The talk usually centers around the idea that at times in his/her life, they were in great pain, and what they showed the outside world was not congruent with what was really going on. The kids are then led into groups, with the directive to finish the sentence ” If you really knew me”……

The bottom line that they each learn (believe it or not) , that everyone has some level or inner pain.

Each time I watch this show, I think how much of life at the Refuge looks like Challenge Day in action. We are such a nutty and diverse group of people, try hard to be open, and deep down, we all really want to be known. Really and truly known, accepted, and deeply loved. I know I do.

Part of me wants to say, um,  my community knows quite a bit about each other, and there would be no real surprises if we did this type of sharing session. However, since life is not linear, and it can look like a process of unraveling and creating, I thought that I would try to answer the question myself. Here goes.

If you really knew me, you would know that my mom died almost 9 ½ years ago, and I think about her every.single.day. You would know that I facilitate grief groups for kids, and that I learn more and more each week how deeply the death of a special person can impact us at our core.

If you really knew me, you would know that I have felt so sad about the parts of my life that my mom can’t be a part of, and that I almost didn’t go to my college graduation because I was so sad. You would know that  my mom’s last wish was that I would have a picture of her at my wedding, and that the idea of the milestones involved with dating trigger the vulnerabilities of being without her once again.

If you really knew me, you would know that I am starting to push back against not only my fear of leaving my guard down, but also of starting a process foreign to me. You would know that I stopped dating in high school, when my mom was sick and dying. You would know that since that time, I have structured my life around busy-ness and activity and friends and protection.  You would know that I am scared to share my life, and that I am so so bummed that my mom can’t be here to see the process unfold.  You would know that I am starting to date, and that I have hoped hoped hoped that my mom is watching from afar. You would know, however, that I am really trying to let my real live community in, and let, in big and small ways, our refuge community be my family.

If you really knew me, you would know that I think that it is so beautiful how God heals our hearts in ways that are unseen. For me, this is one way that I am choosing to surrender, in hopes that the walls around my heart are permeable. If you really knew me, you would know that I am still pretty excited to see the next part of my life unfold.

Like in the show, my hope for our community is that we continue to know each other on a deeper level. Our appreciation for where we have been, where we are at, as well as where we are headed has the power to expand our love for one another. That, in my opinion, is one of the most beautiful parts of redemptive community life. And I am learning so much through being a part.  I am learning, in scary and new ways, what it’s like to try to be known.

I wonder how you would finish the sentence “If you really knew me”…….?

Posted in community, stacy | 8 Comments »

STACY - The sound of progress

Monday, August 9th, 2010


A couple of weeks ago in July, I was a counselor at a bereavement camp for kids up in the mountains of Colorado.  Even though it was my second year, it still totally took my breath away to drive up to the scenic view, complete with rustic wooden cabins nestled in the midst. The beauty, for me, however, isn’t just in the picturesque scene, but also in the super hard work and deep relationships that take place at Camp Comfort, intended for emotional support.

Literally in the middle of the 1st night, there was a minor emergency that I needed to immediately resolve without disturbing the peace.  The hardest part, actually, was that I needed to quietly navigate through a cabin in the dark, without waking up 25 really-insanely-hard-to-get-to-sleep 3-6 year old girls and their exhausted counselors.  My flashlight was also playing a winning game of hide and seek, so I was acutely aware of each and every sound my body made as I navigated through the dark maze.

As I was coming down the old, creaky, wooden stairs, back to our room, it made me think how my intense need to keep as quiet as possible was not much unlike an emotional healing process. Sometimes in pitch black, potentially full of splinters, not so comfortable, and, well, audible when least expected. However, still ultimately headed somewhere brighter.


Here are some sounds of progress that I have heard over the last two weeks:
“I was… wrong & I am very sorry.”
“It hurts, and I need help”
“I really miss my mommy”
“I thought I was all alone”

Words of repentance, words admitting a need for interdependence, and words that show the true beauty of raw honesty are all part of a collective chorus towards freedom.  In my experience, healing & recovery is rarely quiet, or without squeaks & creaks along the way. However, I am trying to remember, that for myself as well as for my friends, that there is so much power in the journey, not just the ethereal destination. My hope is that we listen well to and for the sounds of healing in each other; in ourselves.

What do you hear when you think of the “sound of progress” in your life?

Posted in healing, recovery, stacy | 4 Comments »

STACY - Identifying with Humpty Dumpty

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All of the King’s horses and all of the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

In our Summer House of Refuge, we are re-visiting the Twelve Steps together, and we are in the process of working through them individually and collectively. Hang around us refugees long enough, and you will most likely hear various stories about how influential the practice of doing the work of the steps has been.

* * * * *

When I was in graduate school, one of my core classes was called Addictive Disorders. As a course requirement, we were to attend a 12 step meeting, and write about our experience. My friend Laura and I faithfully went to our AA meeting (which met in the same strip mall as a bar ? How hard would that be?!). While it was never overtly stated, you better believe that we wanted to make sure to the rest of the group knew we were just visitors. Addiction? Noooo. Trouble? Bah. Ignorance about what it means to live out the hard truth of Step One? Um, for sure.

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

We defined in our Summer House of Refuge that “addictions” could also be deemed as unhealthy coping mechanisms. That language actually helps me connect deeper with this whole 12 step process, in a more personal way. While the struggle with alcohol and drugs are not a part of my story, I definitely have my fair share of unhealthy coping mechanisms to add to the table. Since unrealistic personal standards, as well as unhealthy perfectionism are a part of my battle, it is really important for me to see how that relates to my role in community.

The nursery rhyme that tells the brief story of Humpty Dumpty makes me think in a lot of ways, about Step One. Minutes prior to the critical fall, Humpty appeared to have some things going for him. At the top of a high place, happily minding his own business, and, well…. whole. Not much control in the process at this point, and like us, not too happy when things become unraveled. My guess would be that the descent for Humpty was super traumatic, especially since all of his community couldn’t do the work to piece him back together. The work of the 12 steps needs to also  be done individually, yet we can be truly supported by our fellow sojourners. However, we have much more hope, and thankfully, there are 11 more steps.

Like Humpty, the falling, or admitting we are not together, may very well be the beginning of a new, and uniquely beautiful story.

Posted in healing, houses of refuge, journey, relationships, stacy | 3 Comments »

STACY - Enough, already!

Monday, May 17th, 2010

So…um , I hear things.

Well, at least from a purely clinical perspective, I know that I am not schizophrenic, seeing as they are not “audible” voices. Also, I have unfortunately not had imaginary friends since I was a younger version of me.

But…. I still hear voices. Well, more accurately, one loud inner voice. My own. A meaner and way less content version of me.

Thankfully, my own positive self-talk is often loud enough to drown out the voice that robs me of joy and peace. However, when it doesn’t, it can be almost paralyzing. I hear that I am not at all alone in this phenomenon, and that others experience the self-imposed insecurity. The clincher is that these vindictive messages are often directed towards the most vulnerable places inside. Some would call this part of the psyche the “inner child”.

There are various arenas in which the concept of the inner child manifests, from basic psychology to codependency to comedic sitcoms to the 12 step movement. Each recognizes the theories from early childhood and how so any issues stem from negative residual memories of youth.

From my childhood, both from circumstances as temperament, I developed a fierce self-reliance and a strong inner world. For the most part, my independence serves me well.

The double-edged sword, however, it that while I rely on myself for approval, it often comes at the cost of much internal criticism. The core message for me, if I am not aware of my tendency towards self-doubt is “You are not (will never be) _________ enough.”

The truth is, I would never, ever, ever say any of the things that linger through my head about to any of the children I have in my life. In fact, I take every opportunity to speak positive esteem into their lives. I am leaning into the fact that it is as important to reiterate those affirmations to my own heart, and to yours.

I am also learning to give myself the same clear messages that I speak to others. Remembering that I, we, deserve the same care that healthy little ones receive. To a newborn baby, we don’t demand perfection, or set unrealistic standards of performance. So, really, at what point to we allow ourselves to feel enough, already?

The bottom line is that the voice that takes away confidence is really not worth listening to. At all.

In this season, I am growing deeper, and allowing myself to see more good, more wholeness, and more of a “settled” self. Let the beauty of this verse sink in, and may you delight in the beloved inner child within.

We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

~ Colossians 1:9-10 The Message

Posted in healing, spiritual formation, stacy | 2 Comments »

STACY - And the sign says….

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

“And the sign said long haired freaky people need not apply
So I tucked my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine upstanding young man, I think you’ll do
So I took off my hat I said imagine that, huh, me working for you
Sign Sign everywhere a sign 
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign”
~ Performed by Five Man Electrical Band

In the process of building my private counseling practice, I have been meeting with churches and schools to let them know I exist. Having lived in Colorado for almost 9 months, it has really been such an interesting way to meet and connect with my greater community. Starting this networking process about two months ago, I truly thought that for many churches, a seminary degree in Christian counseling would be an added bonus to my stance as a follower of Jesus.

Oh, there have been some great connections and new friends along the way. However, there have been some interesting questions posed–ones that have made some of my internal bells sound. Some about my decision to not wear religious paraphernalia (it may make some families nervous if I don’t),  one about needing more Christian indicators on my business cards, and others about my stance on issues from baptism beliefs to evangelistic strategies…

Now I completely get that there needs to be a litmus test in the Christian paradigm. I realize that there has to be some standard in order for them to feel somewhat comfortable referring their people to me for care and guidance.

My issue, however, is: at what point does what I say really matter about being a follower of Jesus as much as how I live out that truth? I have left some of these interactions not feeling Christian enough, or that I was not able to show in an hour how I do desire to live out the passion of my belief system.

As I was driving away from one meeting, I was remembering the old adage “Actions speak louder than words.” I also appreciate how the Message frames part of that very principle…

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” ~ 1 Cor. 13 1-7 The Message

Undoubtedly, I can hold my own in a religious debate or discussion. For me, and I would guess for many others, it may not be very difficult to imitate the language or the basic ideas of Christian culture. It is way harder to actually and truly live it with all that you are.

I want my heart signs to read out loud that:

I, Stacy, do justice.love mercy.walk humbly.weep with those who weep.rejoice with those who rejoice.deeply care for the orphans and widows…

without me ever needing to get a theological word in edgewise.

Posted in stacy | 8 Comments »