Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

KATHY - friendship vs. mission

Monday, October 11th, 2010

what a wild and beautiful night at the refuge this past saturday night, focused on our upcoming trip to kenya in january 2011. 10 refuge-ees will be heading over to luanda, a remote village outside of kisumu, on the western side of kenya for a friendship-love-mission-adventure. the purpose of this trip isn’t about dropping money & resource into their community for a week and flying back home. it’s about forging new relationships, encouraging our friends in the work that they do (which in different ways, so parallels the refuge), and finding ways to love each other from afar.

when we traveled there as a family in january of this year we saw up close and personal how far a little love and hope goes. as you all know, the refuge doesn’t have a lot of resource, either. but what we do have are huge hearts & love for the marginalized, the oppressed, the forgotten. our friends in kenya do not have a lot of consistent western support. they run an orphanage, school, mission center, and bible college on a shoe-string budget, with no power & no running water. and they do just fine. they don’t need our money to make their world go round. but what they do long for are friends who care for them, encourage them, pray for them. and they long to do the same for us. so that’s what this upcoming trip is all about–forging friendship. getting to know each other, hanging out and learning more about each other’s faith, life, hopes and dreams.

bed-blankets2josh-africa2

and while we are there we do hope to infuse some tangible help in some areas that they need. that’s what friends sometimes do for each other.

some of the things we’ll be focusing on are:

  • contracting the building of bunk beds to get the kids up off the floor
  • building a simple, sturdy children’s library stocked with all kinds of good books (you can see the current one)
  • lots of fun stuff for the kids that will give relief to the teachers.
  • trying to restore a broken well to working capacity (thanks to dave reierson and hope2others).
  • bringing dresses & uniforms for the kids
  • very basic medical education & support (we have 2 nurses going).

    • our gathering this past saturday eve was a huge blessing & we raised money to cover most of these projects. thanks for everyone’s love! if you still want to be part in any way, shape or form, any extra money we raise will go toward food for the orphanage. another way you can help is by bringing small school supplies (stickers, markers, pencils, etc.) to the refuge on saturday eves. but the best way you can help, really, is just to pray for our friends, this trip, for the ethos of the refuge community to be extended; and most of all, pray for us to be so open to learning all we can learn & bring that back here to share.

    on saturday night sage led us in an african song. the words meant: “the spark of community flies from our place to your place.” i have no doubt that the sparks will fly both ways.

    Posted in community, kathy, mission, relationships | 2 Comments »

    JULIE - Choosing Celibacy

    Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

    Note: I told Kathy that I wanted to write this piece on why I am choosing celibacy. I realized that I might offend some of unmarried friends who are making other choices in their lives. Please know I am just sharing my experience and what I have to say is not said with any judgment toward others. As we are talking about Living The Way at our Saturday evening gatherings, I realized this is a piece of what God has been deeply stirring up in me, for my life.

    *****

    I have not sought to date since the break-up of my marriage. I had a really difficult time letting go of the bond that I shared with my husband. My friend Kay calls it an “unholy bond” because the man I was bonded with did not love me and did not treat me well. In seeking treatment and working through this break-up I have come to some realizations about relationships. My relationship with my ex started out as a physical relationship. The commitment between us came later. In fact, we had our first daughter out of wedlock and didn’t marry until years later. I know now that the bond that I felt with my ex was for the most part a physical bond. I have also come to realize how much my self-esteem was based on his physical response towards me. It has taken me a long time to let go of needing that kind of attention.

    In addition, there was always a sense of guilt and shame that I carried around. I had been taught that sexual intimacy is sacred and shared between a husband and a wife. I had all sorts of intellectual arguments in my head as to why that kind of thinking was just old fashioned and outdated. Yet those arguments didn’t help me get past the fact that I knew I was sinning. Down deep, I knew that by compromising myself I was somehow violating God’s heart for me. No matter how I tried to rationalize it was all still there. It affected the relationship I had with God. It affected my ability to pray. It affected how I felt when I walked into church.

    Four years ago when my divorce was final I had to decide how I wanted to go forward in life. I knew I wasn’t ready to date again. I also knew that I wanted to have healthy relationships with men. I decided to choose celibacy. What that means to me at this point is that I avoid anything that would bring about the desire for sexual intimacy. I really strive to see myself just as a fellow human being and not only as a sexual being. The good news is that I am building some healthy male friendships that are spiritually transforming. Sometimes it’s hard not to get that male attention that was always so important to me in the past. But, I am working on seeing what God sees when I look in the mirror. If there is a point that I do begin to date again then I am committed to keep good boundaries. I see the value in waiting and saving sexual intimacy for marriage. It’s what I want to model for my children and for the community around me. Through this choice, I am learning things about God and myself that I am so thankful for.

    Posted in julie, relationships, spiritual formation | 7 Comments »

    MIKE - where is my treasure?

    Monday, July 19th, 2010

    for years, my wife debbie and i had dreamed–and actually taken some steps toward planning–our perfect retirement. five acres of land in black forest, near colorado springs. we had finally settled on the modular log home we wanted. we were hoping on making the move within the year. and then there was the custom van, so we could travel the US, no motor home for us. we planned on sleeping in motels most nights and hopefully take a cruise every few years.

    mission trips, living in the same old house, or helping people in need never crossed my mind for more than a moment (and that was when the preacher brought it up on sunday morning). those thoughts were quickly replaced with plans for my new found life after working all those years. as best as i can remember, i never even considered what Gods plans might entail.

    as they say: “the best laid plans of mice and men…” in the mist of my planning, deb died. although i tried to keep the dream alive, the passion waned. as time went on it died completely and i could not revive it. i could speculate on what i believe was God’s message to me in the events following her death and the death of my dream, but that will have to wait for another blog.

    galatians 6:2 admonishes us to bear one anothers burdens while galatians 6:5 say we must carry our own load. until recently, i never made a connection between these verses and the plan for the rest of my life. a little further down in galatians, paul says:

    “do not be misled. no one makes a fool of God. what a person plants, he will harvest. the person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. all he’ll have to show for his life is weeds. but the one who plants in response to God, letting God’s Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life. eternal life. so let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. at the right time we will harvest a good crop if we we don’t give up, or quit. right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.”

    years ago i attended a christian financial seminar. the speaker said he could know what was important to a person by looking at the entries in their checkbook. in luke 6:24 dr luke states: “it’s obvious, isn’t it? the place where your treasure is, is the place you most want to be, and end up being.” kinda makes sense, doesn’t it? in my younger days, no matter how broke i was, i managed to buy cigarettes, porn and beer. over the years, those spending habits have been replaced by starbucks, movies and a red, midlife crisis, firebird trans am. and no matter how busy i might have been, i always used to manage to play golf, watch tv, go to strip bars and party with my friends. though the venues have changed, i still manage to make time for the things that are most important to me.

    maybe it was debbies’ death. maybe it’s old age. or maybe becoming involved in redemptive community. but over the years there has been a paradigm shift. God’s plan for my life has become a bit more important than my plan for His life. the irony is that i experience more joy in my life now. not necessarily more happiness, but certainly more joy. that “fruit of the spirit” joy that is intertwined, in some strange way, with sorrow and pain.

    this past friday a few of us gathered at the grange hall for refuge movie night. we watched the movie “up”– a cute kids movie with plenty of implications and applications for adults. mr.fredrickson and his wife had a dream, but the events of life always (as they do for most of us) got in the way. after she died, he decided to pursue it, by himself. as the movie progresses his goal is derailed by a young boy named russell, who is in need of a real father, and an assortment of weird animals. eventually, mr fredrickson has to decide if he will continue to live for himself or help someone who really needs him. the movie shows, quite vividly, how his dream and his accumulation of “stuff” has weighed him down. as the revelation hits him, he pushes all the material stuff out of his house and his life and help a little boy who needs a daddy. the movie ends with russell and mr fredrickson sitting on a curb, eating ice cream and playing a game russell had played with his dad, before his dad had left his life.

    don’t get me wrong, this is not an easy journey. there are many more lessons to learn, along the way. but i find it’s a little easier to lessen the death grip i have on my money and become less preoccupied and self absorbed with my precious time.

    was my dream retirement wrong? how ’bout the midlife crisis car? or the starbucks.? the movies? or the……….? i don’t know the answer, but there is something appealing about sitting on the curb eating ice cream with a friend.

    Posted in mike, mission, relationships | 3 Comments »

    KARL - Resentment

    Monday, June 28th, 2010

    The interesting thing about recovery is the constant awareness of new character defects. Drinking, sex, relationships, drugs are but mere symptoms of the inner drive to be the master of our universe.

    I heard a remarkable quote the other day, “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ain’t it great! Your character defects may be different than mine, but I can attest to the truth of that statement.

    Of course I understand that not all expectations have a negative consequence. Kind of like I understand not all soccer games are boring. But all my experiences with soccer are equivalent to heavy sedation.

    For me, it always works this way: if I expect in an unhealthy way
    eventually I end up pissed off and trying to control someone.

    The crazy part is that when this happens I am always surprised.
    Like the worst case of amnesia ever, I actually believe it will
    work.

    Here is a partial list:

    • People I love will not irritate me (I have a very low
      threshold of irritation)
    • My children will always make me proud
    • My wife will always accurately decipher my mood and act
      accordingly
    • God will do for me what He did for my friend in the same
      situation
    • Churches will always be generous and safe
    • If I help someone, they will express gratitude
    • Good cars don’t break down
    • Money invested always goes up
    • The hamburger I ordered will look like the picture
    • I should never get the middle seat
    • If I am in the middle seat, I will get both armrests

    Yes, that is right, it could be an almost infinite list and with
    each example I have a story of corresponding resentment.

    But what is so wrong with a little resentment? Is it not the perfect
    way to let the world know it is not meeting the high standards of
    Karl? Kind and truthful words will never accomplish the sense
    of power that comes with pouting, smoldering, and withdrawing.

    Here is my little nugget of understanding: I have never been
    resentful without also being lonely.

    What about you, how does it work out in you life? Do you know
    the indignation of a failed expectation and the exile to the island
    of alone?

    Posted in karl, recovery, relationships | 3 Comments »

    STACY - Identifying with Humpty Dumpty

    Monday, June 14th, 2010

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

    All of the King’s horses and all of the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

    In our Summer House of Refuge, we are re-visiting the Twelve Steps together, and we are in the process of working through them individually and collectively. Hang around us refugees long enough, and you will most likely hear various stories about how influential the practice of doing the work of the steps has been.

    * * * * *

    When I was in graduate school, one of my core classes was called Addictive Disorders. As a course requirement, we were to attend a 12 step meeting, and write about our experience. My friend Laura and I faithfully went to our AA meeting (which met in the same strip mall as a bar ? How hard would that be?!). While it was never overtly stated, you better believe that we wanted to make sure to the rest of the group knew we were just visitors. Addiction? Noooo. Trouble? Bah. Ignorance about what it means to live out the hard truth of Step One? Um, for sure.

    Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

    We defined in our Summer House of Refuge that “addictions” could also be deemed as unhealthy coping mechanisms. That language actually helps me connect deeper with this whole 12 step process, in a more personal way. While the struggle with alcohol and drugs are not a part of my story, I definitely have my fair share of unhealthy coping mechanisms to add to the table. Since unrealistic personal standards, as well as unhealthy perfectionism are a part of my battle, it is really important for me to see how that relates to my role in community.

    The nursery rhyme that tells the brief story of Humpty Dumpty makes me think in a lot of ways, about Step One. Minutes prior to the critical fall, Humpty appeared to have some things going for him. At the top of a high place, happily minding his own business, and, well…. whole. Not much control in the process at this point, and like us, not too happy when things become unraveled. My guess would be that the descent for Humpty was super traumatic, especially since all of his community couldn’t do the work to piece him back together. The work of the 12 steps needs to also  be done individually, yet we can be truly supported by our fellow sojourners. However, we have much more hope, and thankfully, there are 11 more steps.

    Like Humpty, the falling, or admitting we are not together, may very well be the beginning of a new, and uniquely beautiful story.

    Posted in healing, houses of refuge, journey, relationships, stacy | 3 Comments »

    CHRISTA - Death.Life.

    Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

    When he was gone, Jesus said, “Now is the Son of Man glorified and God is glorified in him. If God is glorified in him, God will glorify the Son in himself, and will glorify him at once.
    “My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come.
    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

    5 funerals in 4 years.
    Perhaps those aren’t terrible odds. But, for my heart, that ratio is too big. 5 times too big.

    9 babies of friends have been born in the past 4 years.
    All healthy. All thriving.
    For my heart this is good news. This is a sign of new life.

    My “Granpa” just died. His name was William Alexander Romig. He told me stories of selling strawberries in the summertime from a wagon he pulled through the neighborhood to help his family earn money. He could hike through the mountains and tell me what all the different plants were. He had been a recovered alcoholic for over 40 years. He told my sister that my daughters were “something else”. He began to learn to paint when he was in his late 60’s. He and I always made turkey salad after Thanksgiving. My son was named after him. He said he was painfully shy. Literally. And yet, he didn’t stop talking until he drew his last breath.
    His body was here and yet Bill/Dad/Granpa/Papa Bill wasn’t here. With eyes closed he talked to his wife, my Granma, who died almost a year ago. They rode motorcycles. He asked for a cherry vodka and a cigarette. He demanded root beer. And he said he saw Jesus. He saw Jesus standing and holding a door open. And Jesus told Bill that he wouldn’t close the door until Bill had walked all the way through. And this morning Bill walked all the way through.

    And, though I know that my Granpa wasn’t Jesus. He said something over and over in the last year of his life (the first year in over 60 years that he wasn’t with his wife) that sounded like something that Jesus said. He said that he wanted all of us to take the time to love each other and hold each others hands. Anytime I saw him he would just grab my hand and hold it. He held it firmly. Gently.

    I know that he was looking back over his life and I didn’t hear him talk about work or projects or his financial status. I heard him talk about love. And wishing he had more time to love. And hold hands.

    “My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come.
    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

    Where Granma went, Granpa couldn’t follow. And he missed loving her.
    Where Granpa went I cannot follow. And I will miss loving him and being loved by him.
    Where Jesus went I cannot follow. And I don’t even know how much I’m missing by being here instead of with him. But, in a way I am where Jesus went. I’m present in this time and place where I can still follow his words. I can love. I can love anyone and everyone. I can take the time away from work, projects and money to go and hold someone’s hand. Gently. Firmly. Lovingly. And Jesus is with us. Living in Love.

    Posted in God's love, christa, relationships | 5 Comments »

    CHRISTA - CONFLICT

    Monday, October 26th, 2009

    CONFLICT. 

    It should always be read and written in bold and CAPITAL letters. For that is how it looks and feels in my life. 

    Big. Unavoidable. Startling. Hard. 

    I think I’ve learned more about conflict in the past 4 years than any other time in my life. It makes sense. I have chosen to stay married and in deep relationship with my husband. I had my first child. I became deeply committed to a specific community of people trying to follow Jesus and love each other. 

    Oh, how beautiful! Marriage! Children! Community! And CONFLICT, CONFLICT, CONFLICT out the proverbial wazoo!!

    I’ve been in CONFLICT with my husband, my child, my sister, my parents, my in-laws, my husbands grandparents, my friends, my co-workers, my Jesus. I’ve often made really poor choices. I’ve tried to stay safe by staying quiet, by pretending, by playing games, by lying, and by running away. I’ve taken responsibility that wasn’t mine and I’ve refused to accept responsibility when it was mine. I haven’t been humble or honest. 

    I’ve also made some good choices. I’ve let go of things that I could honestly let go of and practice forgiveness. I’ve written letters and had conversations where I apologized and accepted responsibility and was humbled to accept forgiveness. I’ve tried to stay safe and therefore make different choices regarding events and conversations so that I could be the most honest for everyone. 

    It’s been so difficult. I’ve learned so many good tools to work with CONFLICT and yet I still feel that I am standing at Square One. 

    Sometimes my good tools don’t work the way I want them to. Sometimes my honesty confuses and hurts and seems to make things worse. Sometimes I think I use my tools incorrectly. It’s obvious that I still have much to learn. Even more obvious to me is that no matter how much practice and learning I do this will still be hard. 

    It can’t be easy. It just can’t be! It’s too difficult to hear that you’ve caused some confusion, failed to meet expectations, or hurt someone. It’s too difficult to step out and tell someone they’ve done those same things to you. Especially when it’s someone you love or care about.

    It’s hard to be humble and honest. Oh, so hard. 

    There is a miracle that I’ve witnessed and even participated in several times in 4 years. I mean real, true, supernatural miracles. 

    I’ve sat at tables with friends and loved ones. My tummy churning, my face burning, my heart so scared and sad. And there was CONFLICT. Confusion, unexpressed expectations, misinterpreted words, built up resentment, unforgiveness, dishonesty, withholding, anger. And I have seen all of that processed and turn slowly from a mess of fast rolling, quick growing chaos into bits of peace, hope, forgiveness, clarity, understanding, and love that are men and women taking time to be honest, to listen, to look and to be humble and honest. And they’ve stayed friends! We’ve stayed friends!! Can you even believe it?!

    It doesn’t always happen. I keep trying different ways to handle CONFLICT with some family member and honestly, in this moment, I have no idea what to do. No idea. I keep thinking about it. And still, no idea. So, I’m trying to handle each moment individually. I don’t have to have some big game plan that I work at, but little moment by moment plans that reflect the honesty that I can give for me and for them. I don’t know if it will work. I’ll let you know in a few months. CONFLICT by Christa, Part II.

    But, sometimes it does happen. It does! And it’s really a thing of beauty. Really. It’s one of those times where I would say, “I would do this again to experience this lovely aftermath of continued friendship and commitment.”

    All of this brings back the earliest memory of CONFLICT that I have. I was small and my parents were fighting in their bedroom. My mom standing in front of the dresser, my dad over by the window.  And I was scared. I remember walking in and thinking that somehow my dad was at fault because my mom was crying. I remember my mom telling me it was okay and that I should leave the room, which I did. But they still fought. I’ve never asked them if they remember that moment. I think the little girl in me is scared to cause more  CONFLICT. There was no abuse in the fight, but there were loud voices from both and tears from my mother. I’ve carried the emotions from that moment throughout my life. I think that this caused me to feel that fighting in front of my children would be a bad thing. And, it is…and yet…when I do fight with my husband in front of my daughter (as I am sad that I have done and will do again) I have come to believe that I have the chance to model something for her. I have the opportunity to show her that anger is okay. CONFLICT is okay. I can do my best to stay calm, I can be honest, I can stand up for myself, I can apologize, I can show humility and I can show that above all, LOVE is bigger than conflict. I can still LOVE Daddy even though he hurt me, or I hurt him.

    There is much opportunity in the moments of conflict. Much positivity. It requires a lot of trust, bravery, honesty and humility. But, there is something bigger than conflict. LOVE really can win. It’s the only thing that can win gracefully and without keeping a record. I’m not that big. And neither is conflict. 

    Posted in christa, relationships | 2 Comments »