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MIKE - prince charming & beauty

Monday, July 23rd, 2007


a while ago at the changes that heal house of refuge we discussed the metaphor of the 6 million dollar man and the tin man. one is the ideal that we all aspire to be while the other is dented, rusty and looking for his heart, his real self. we asked the questions: who do we want to be? who are we? which is more real and lovable?

recently i saw shrek 3. a cute flick about two ogres (shrek and fiona) and their battle to save “the land of happily ever after” from prince charming, sleeping beauty, cinderella and all our other fairy tale favorites. fiona is pregnant and shrek is wishing he could be more lovable and bemoaning the fact that he will be a poor father because, as an ogre, he will surely frighten his own kids. duh!! aren’t his kids going to be ogres, too? i’m thinking it would be a lot harder for them to relate to him if he were prince charming.

but i shouldn’t be too hard on old shrek, because i tend to think the same kind of goofy thoughts. i am amazed at how we set up ourselves and our kids to fail by buying into the whole fairy tale scene. the prince is always rich, handsome, well built and of course charming. the heroine is beautiful, pure, sweet, shapely, and helpless (wow is this sexist or what?). he rescues her and they live happily ever after. the villain is a mean stepmother, an ugly stepsister, a wicked witch, a troll, a giant or an ogre. notice how the hero has all pleasant traits while the villains get stuck with all the negative ones? using this standard, from the day we are born, immediately 95% of us are set up to fail. there are few charmings and beauties in the general population. life experience and negative reinforcement from family and peers leads us to internalize the fact that we aren’t good enough. we become the ogres. then, the chosen few come to believe that they have to live up to the persona that goes with their physical stature, wealth and good looks. it’s a lot of pressure, I’m guessing, a lot harder than we all realize and pretty much a lose-lose situation for all concerned.

i used to think that beauty and charming were lucky, but i am realizing they can never know if they are loved for their hearts (the real them) or just their drop dead gorgeous looks, sexy buff bodies, exotic sports cars or the magnificent castle. if we are the unfortunate that are labeled unworthy (ugly, fat, skinny, short, tall, weak, disabled, stupid, poor, not good enough, don’t have our act together…the list goes on and on) we will live our entire lives feeling “one down” always aspiring to be like the lucky one.

i have spent a lifetime trying (and i might add quite unsuccessfully) to live up to the prince charming ideal. and with my less than impressive credentials (no athletic prowess or buff physique, limited bank account and less than drop dead good looks) i have strived to win my beauty. in order to even the odds that God, society and my own poor choices have seemingly stacked against me, i put on the mask, that charming mask, and try to pretend i am better than i am. i can keep up the charade for awhile, but it is so hard to be comfortable, to be real, to live with that freaking mask in place. and trying to be “a player” seems so dishonest and gross. but without my mask the ogre in me will surely scare you away.

so here is the dilemma: be fake and have the illusion of happiness, always fearing you will find me out at any time or be real and risk rejection. hmmmm. for fifty odd years (and many have been very odd) this choice seemed like a no-brainer. but the older i get it just seems to take way too much energy to play this stupid game. after living the last few years in true community i’m convinced that beauty is not really worth fighting for. oh yes, she is alluring, lots of fun, and beautiful to look at. a trophy to impress my friends with, but just like me, with my mask on, she is not real either. not really worth pursuing. i’ve found it’s the heart that counts. mine and hers. being honest about our brokenness. embracing our messiness. living in the truth of who we are. who God thinks we are.

while prince charming and beauty pursue each other and search for “the land of happily ever after” i’m going to try to embrace my shrekness and keep an eye open for fiona as i live in real community.

Posted in community, healing, mike | 2 Comments »

MIKE: MONKEY HUNTING

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

I’m not a mighty hunter, in any sense of the word, but I do know how to catch a monkey– (1) make a hole in a fence that is just big enough for the monkey to get his closed hand through, (2) put a large piece of food behind the hole. (3) just wait a little while. The monkey will catch himself because once he has the food in his hand he will not let go of it, even if it means he is trapped.

Before we’re too quick to judge the monkey we need to think of times we have exhibited the same kinds of behavior. Drinking some poison (hemlock) in order to hurt someone who has harmed us. How about pointing a shotgun at our own heart, pulling the trigger, and hoping the recoil of the gun will somehow harm somebody we hate. My favorite is shackeling myself to the person who has hurt me the most and giving them total control of my life.

This is what unforgiveness will do.

Why would a person do such absurd things? Well, like the monkey, we aren’t willing to let something go. In the monkey’s case, it’s food. In ours, sometimes it’s revenge. Like Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Venice “we want our pound of flesh.”

Allow me to air a bit of dirty laundry. Almost 20 years ago I perceived that i had been wronged by a sister in law. We’ll call her May. Because of May I was put into the position of having to take sides, in a family feud, if I wanted to remain part of a dysfunctional family. Not having good coping skills, and armed to the teeth with self righteousness, I set out to right all the moral wrongs that had been done. “Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.” and I’m about the Lord’s business. When I was told if I didn’t want to dance the family dance I didn’t need to come to Thanksgiving dinner, I took revenge to one of the highest possible levels. For almost ten years I stayed away from ALL family functions. For over a year I kept my wife from seeing her family and my children from being around their grandparents and cousins.(You need to know this was a close knit family. We spent almost every Sunday and every single holiday you could imagine together). I proudly underlined Bible verses that gave me the right to stay away from May, but she still controlled my life. I could hear a comment that reminded me of her or see a lady that looked like her and in fifteen minutes time be so enraged that people working with me could see such a visible change in me that they told me I would have a stroke if I didn’t settle down. I remember a friend asking what was wrong with me and I told him my sister in law had really made me mad. When he asked me when I had talked to her I had to say 2 years ago. You’d think it had just happened considering how angry I was. May lead me around by the nose every day of my life.

God finally grabbed my heart when my wife, Debbie, was being taken off life support. With a hospital room full of relatives, doctors and nurses I apologized to May and asked her forgiveness. Oh the precious moments I wasted, all the happy family times with Debbie and the kids, times I can never relive. A few years ago I spent a few hours walking on a beach with my one time arch enemy, May. As we relive those ten years I again asked forgiveness for hurting her during that time. To my surprise and dismay she said, “You know I was never sure why you we mad at me, but it really never bothered me very much”. I was trapped like a slave, obsessed, and it didn’t even bother her. Wow, I guess I had really showed her.

I thought I’d learned my lesson, but a while ago someone hurt my little girl. And just like a man possessed I put the shackels of hate back on my own legs, took the food through the hole and won’t let go of it. Now I have a different captor leading me around daily—my unforgiveness toward May transferred to someone else. I’m not a rocket scientist, but I get a glimpse of sanity from time to time. In his book ” Velvet Elvis”, Rob Bell says we really know we have forgiven if we can pray for the person that hurt us and be happy when God blesses them. Knowing how that rascal God works He probably will bless them. So, I think I am getting it (I am a little slow sometimes). I know what i need to do with my captor: let him go, so I can be free. Drop the food. It’s not worth it.

But it’s just seems too hard. I’m going to have to think about this for a while. As I do I will sit here drinking this goblet of hemlock and dig out my rusty old knife and carve my pound of flesh, one ounce at a time, out of my own cold lifeless heart. Yeah that will show him how much he hurt us.

Or maybe I could……..

Posted in healing, injustice, mike | 2 Comments »

MIKE - Dignity

Monday, January 1st, 2007

Christmas Eve at The Refuge was a glorious occasion. Each person’s name was called and we received a wrapped gift, our fourth simple gift of our December series. It contained an ornament that simply said, “Dignity”.

As a middle aged, middle class white male, I suppose I had never really thought much about the concept of dignity. Webster’s says that dignity is “the quality or state of deserving esteem or respect.” Who shouldn’t have dignity? It’s a no brainer. God is no respecter of persons. That means He has no favorites. That we are all valuable, important, worthy. So what is the big deal?.

Society doesn’t tend to think like God. Through the ages many groups have been abused, oppressed and marginalized: The poor. Minorities. The uneducated. The mentally or physically challenged. Women. The list goes on and on. Members of these groups still struggle today for equality and dignity.

As Karl taught, the Word of God again and again hammers home the truth–that we are equal, that we all have dignity. The angels didn’t announce the birth of Jesus to the rich, the learned or the religious leaders. No, it was the lowly shepherds the angels talked to. When Jesus rose from the dead, the first person he spoke to was a woman, not one of the 12 apostles. The Pharisees were not picked to be in the inner circle of Jesus. The creator of our universe picked fishermen, tax collectors, prostitutes and adultresses’. Do you think, just maybe, he was trying to tell us something, to show us a better way?

Unfortunately, many at The Refuge know all too well how it feels to be marginalized because of race, gender, educational or financial status, or maybe a physical or mental disability. I am reminded that Jesus hung out with the marginalized of his day and showed them dignity and love. And he still does. How can we do any different?

Posted in advent, church stuff, community, healing, mike | 1 Comment »

MIKE - When Your Best Just Ain’t Good Enough

Thursday, August 17th, 2006

I would certainly never be mistaken for a perfectionist, but a lazy slug I am not. I’m just me. My mom and dad never felt I was a good enough son, both for different reasons…never as smart as the Anderson girls….not an athlete like my younger brother. Just not good enough. I remember walking around Five Points trying to sell magazines to people who could barely afford to exist. I didn’t do well. My boss criticized my work ethic (kind of funny since later he got sent to prison on fraud charges). Still, the message I heard was not good enough. Never dated until after college. Why risk it? I’m not good enough. So the cycle continued. I’m almost thirty and I finally find a naïve 19 year old beauty that wants to be out of the house. She doesn’t know, yet, that I’m not good enough. I chase her down and capture her, marry her, then live 23 years trying to hide the real me so she won’t find out I’m not good enough and leave me. It’s a relationship of smoke and mirrors and masks, on my side. Ironicly, looking back, I think she would have loved the real me, but I couldn’t take that chance.

Fast forward to 8 years ago. My wife Debbie’s dead. I’m alone, again, and I’m still not good enough. My work ethic, though, is very good. Have been successful in my chosen field. (chosen because I never pursued the career I had a degree in, didn’t even try, because I knew I’d fail. I was not good enough). Have 2 teenage kids that love me, but am certainly not good enough to be their only parent. After a few years decide I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. Join a singles group. According to my counselor, singles groups, arguably, are the biggest collection of dysfunctional people ever assembled in one place. Still not good enough. Find a lady as needy as I am and start the smoke and mirrors thing. Starts to crumble in a year and blows to hell in 18 months. She calls me on my stuff. I’m still not good enough. I should have known it. Maybe counseling could help? My counselor sides with her, says I’m all messed up, but he doesn’t say I’m not good enough, only broken. Says there is hope for me, if I want to work my butt off. Why not? What do I have to lose? So I jump in with both feet.

Four years of recovery and now I am part of an amazing church, The Refuge. Over the last few years, some incredible people have been telling me I am good enough. I am starting to believe it, some. Am reaching out to people. Being real. being honest. Trying so hard to be safe. Could it be that me, messed up Mike, could actually be good enough?

Ah, but here he comes roaring in like a lion. To steal, kill and destroy. The condemner of my soul. You are not only not good enough, but you are actually no good at all. And I start to believe his voice, it is so strong. So clear. And if that is not enough I feel others are thinking the same thing when I can’t be there for them the way they think I should be. Maybe my folks, my boss, the girls, the voices were right, are right. I’m not good enough.

But then a light goes on as I see some friends, wonderful friends, gifted friends, loving friends, compassionate friends (friends that the hurting would mistake for Jesus in the flesh) feeling the same way about themselves. That they are not good enough, either. It’s always easier to see the lie in the lives of others than it is in our own lives.

Then, I get a revelation from God. He is talking to my heart. Your best will never be good enough for everyone. Jesus came to this earth. Poured out His love. Sweat. Drops of blood. Cried over mankind. Gave up His life. AND IT WAS STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH, FOR SOME AND THEY KILLED HIM. And it is still that way today. So if Jesus’ best wasn’t good enough for some people, what makes you think your best could be? Just be who I made you to be. Keep trying to improve. Keep loving. Caring. Giving. Keep pouring your heart out. Keep getting messy. Being raw. Being honest and real. Being safe. Just keep showing up in the lives of others. That is the best you can do. That is all I expect. I will be there to lead you and guide you. Your best is good enough for ME.

Posted in healing, mike | 7 Comments »

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