Archive for the ‘karl’ Category

Newer Entries »

KARL - Audible Follicle

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

I seem to be having quite a few humiliating experiences these days. I have reached the age where remembering to zip my pants is a challenge. But this past week, I was humiliated and it wasn’t even my fault. The barber was putting the finishing touches on my new coif and he mumbles “yea, hang on a sec, let me get those ear hairs for you.”

I have ear hair. I won’t drag this out like some lame open mike comedian; suffice to say I am damaged goods. This means my life is almost over. I already consider staying up until 9:30 pm an accomplishment and 4:30 a perfectly reasonable time for supper. I have only a few life stages left: I will soon believe that my bowel activity is of interest to everyone, followed by slow walking, driving by Braille and finally “APRIL, what did you do with my teeth!”

I have often said that there are only a couple of verses of scriptures that I can prove and one is “life is a vapor, it appears only for a moment.” It makes sad to think that I am getting old. I wish it made me glad, to think that I will soon live in eternity, and not even have to worry about zippers. But I can not shake the feeling that I missed too much, messed up too much. The feeling that life is too fast is a constant shadow. The brakes have gone out, the hill is steep and I sense myself uncontrollably accelerating towards eternity.

The Bible is filled with folks like me. I think an entire book, called Ecclesiastes, was written by a guy whose barber clipped his ear hair. And it made him think. Only a couple of options are available to me: freeze in fear, or make each moment count. I bet God is wanting the latter, to help me overcome fear and immobility. Besides, aren’t the best rides at the park always the fastest?

Posted in fundamentalism, karl | 5 Comments »

KARL - Rock Bottom

Monday, July 17th, 2006

In recovery speak, they talk about hitting our the bottom. DUI, divorce, homeless, bankrupt, STD’s all can be “bottom” moments that begin a new direction.

A few nights ago I may have hit bottom.

I am addicted to food. Actually, I am depressed. Food is what I use to try to feel good. A quick detour for those of you who do not understand depression, or at least my version, it is the inability to experience or sometimes even imagine true pleasure. I feel numb more than anything else. Sometimes I am sad, but when I am depressed I mostly feel numb. This is where sugar comes in. You can insert in place of sugar any number of quick fixes: sex, risky behavior, beer, shopping, porno, work and success, fighting, etc. The list is much longer than this, and I have tried them all, but my favorite is always sugar. Not very glamourous, but it is my default addiction. It is a bit embarrassing in that guys are not normally talking this addiction. The guys seem to often have work addictions, but at least they get six-figure incomes and a nice retirement. I get a huge ass and diabetes.

I seldom know why I am getting depressed, or even that it is happening, I just seem to not fit into any of my clothes anymore. I think sugar will make me happy. It feels good, and if it feels good, I might be happy, even if it is for the briefest of moments while I chew. This has been an especially hard season, and the darkness is fast approaching.

Yesterday I woke with a new resolve to defeat my dependency on food, actually I always wake convinced that I will never again fall to the temptation to gorge. I drank a low calorie nutritional drink for breakfast and had a ½ apple for lunch. Wow, I am healed.

But the evening is what always gets me. After 10 hours of sobriety, I deserve a little reward. I never have a little of anything, however. Then I always have this thought, “oh, screw it, I am a loser and now I have blown it. I may as well go all the way…”

I gorged. Picture a bear at the spring salmon run, or any six year old left unattended in the candy store. I discovered Nutella (Nutella is a peanut butter like concoction made of hazelnut and chocolate that Satan invented. In the periodic table it is the caloric equivalent of lead.) I began with Nutella on a graham cracker, but it felt more like a tease. Alas, there were no more crackers. The next installment was Nutella on a spoon, a large spoon. Good, but not quite enough. I needed something substantial to carry the Nutella. I found chocolate pop-tarts. I promise that in that moment it made perfect sense, the proper antidote to my pain. After what a civilian would have considered an excessive amount, I loaded a chocolate pop-tart with an inch of Nutella frosting and looked for Nirvana.

That must be a bottom. I hope it will motivate me to a new direction. I called the doctor, resolved to get back on my med’s. This blog has no real point, just a confession.

p.s. some of you might be reading, starting to feel anxious. How can we help Karl, you might wonder? Just understanding. That’s all I need. And please, no favorite sugar free jello recipes.

Posted in healing, karl | 9 Comments »

KARL–Church Uniforms

Monday, July 10th, 2006

Here is my proposal: let’s all get church uniforms.

Uniforms are great! They make it easy to recognize who is on your team and who is the enemy. A uniform could help take some of the guess work out of who is “in” and who is “out” , who we are for, who we are against. I will attempt to design a uniform that I think best represents and serves the suburban, typical, evangelical, church (S.T.E.N.CH)

Ok, I think it needs to be one solid color, something light, say peach or barely beige, because brown and black and yellow are not often seen. We like mostly whites.

It should be extremely masculine. It needs to have pants and a zipper, nothing too frilly or even remotely androgynous. You will see woman in attendance at S.T.E.N.CH, but not in any decision making capacity. God made them to be happiest in the nursery, didn’t He?

It needs to be highly flammable, because everyone knows Jesus hates it when you smoke. Enough said.

Pockets are needed, but only the right side. Anything to do with the “left” is disgusting.

I think a nice red, white and blue tie would help make it clear that we are primarily concerned with America.

A small cross necklace, of course empty, without Jesus hanging across it, is a nice
way to say Not Catholic. We are still pretty pissed off about that Rome thing.

It must be medium sized. This is subtle, but we really do not like obese people. Jesus wants excellence, and chubby Christians are just not trying hard enough.

The helmet is critical. It must be able to protect our brains and ears from anything that does not come from our team. Something that would limit our vision and ability to hear would be helpful. “be careful little eyes what you see…”

Finally, winged tipped shoes. Nothing says we are “conservative” like wing tips.

I hope this catches on. It seems critical that we be able to identify who is not on our team. This idea of loving people as they are as the great Christian distinction is just not working very well.

If this fails I have this really cool, secret handshake I am working on.

Ok, I am dying to know your thoughts, so let us know. Anything you would add to the uniform?

Karl

Posted in church stuff, karl, mega church craziness | 8 Comments »

KARL - Blogged Down

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

This is my first blog, and it will be a daily blog. Just like my “devotions” are daily. I am thinking twice a week is a good mark.

So here goes, I am now a blogger. I do not think it can be all that difficult, lots of my friends do it, and there are now 3,000,000,000 bloggers in the world. (I am not sure of the exact number, I just pulled that number out of the place my brother says I get most of my facts.) I am in a cool coffee shop with free wireless and surrounded by 7 people under 30, and I think they are also blogging. This is so cool; I am actually about to blog. I have heard so much about it, how famous people have thousands of people read their blogs. I am about to think/write something so profound that people will wish they could know God like I do, and of course I will give God all the glory for this because I am just a tool. I have a hunch that I am probably going to be a pretty good blogger.
I am just going to start typing and see where the wisdom wants to go….
Aljoaiub qoe;ljas;pui p[aljfwq;l bjpojetqj ljou wpou jpoqaitHmmm, can you type in tongues?

I remember this feeling. I have had it since Junior High.

I went to my first dance in 8th grade. I was not a popular kid, so I was not with a posse, I went alone. I heard dances are lots of fun and everyone goes.I stood with my back pressed against the wall, watching all the cool kids; they seemed so natural and smooth. It looked so easy. I have hunch that I am probably a pretty good dancer. I think all you have to do is have some type of seizure and nature takes its course. The dj announces that it is time for the final song, I ask Pam S. who sits next to me in history and whose mom has shrunk all her clothes in the dryer. She is hot.We walk out onto the floor, I close my eyes and seize away. I am in some convulsion when my eyes open and I cannot find Pam. I do a slow twirl, maybe she is behind me. Near the end of my 360o search I spot her back, as she and her friends are giggling and almost out the door. There is no graceful way to leave the dance floor alone, especially when everyone is staring and pointing. For just a moment I think I must be some dance prodigy. After a closer look, I do not.

Why does everything look so much easier when others are doing it?Marriage? Piece of cake, look at all the happy faces of the married people, a certain sign.Parenting? Why, it has been done for x number of years (Insert your own number please, I have been sitting too long and my facts receptacle is sore. Fundamentalist, a quick reminder that anything over 6,000 gets you kicked out of the club)Christian? Ok, when I signed on it was pretty clearly stated that this was a piece of cake. I was sure I had found something I could be good at. It was supposed to be like dancing or blogging. However, I feel like while everyone else is gently swaying to the heavenly rhythms my spiritual walk looks like some guy with leg cramps.

Following Christ is hard for me. I want things He tells me are bad for me, and I sometimes have no interest in the stuff He is recommending. I sit in church and I see people nodding their heads, raising their hands, it looks so easy.

Why does it seem so simple for others and not for me?If like me you feel like you are on the short bus heading to heaven, maybe we can stumble and gyrate together. You don’t have to be the spiritual equivalent to Pam S. I just don’t want to be on the dance floor alone.

Karl

p.s. this blogging thing is a snap, I just finished about a thousand words (I took a walk, facts are ready to pour out of me)And my ten minute brain dump only took 4 hours. I am a natural.
posted by karl @ 4:08 PM 0 comments

Posted in karl | 4 Comments »

Newer Entries »