Archive for the ‘karl’ Category

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KARL - Faith Shelter

Monday, August 30th, 2010

I like to build things. But I have this weird obsession to use as much reclaimed material as possible. I loathe going to the store and just buying something new or shiny. I wish I had some deep environmental ethic, but I confess my true motivation is I love the forced creativity, only using what is on hand. I have this image that is what God intended when we build faith communities.

I have never been lost in the woods, or stranded on a tropical island, or survived an arctic plane crash. But if I did, I like to think I am the sort of person who could build a shelter, something to survive in. I would not be interested in fancy, lifetime structures, just something to keep me safe and warm. I think that is what God was thinking when He talked about church. I think He thought we would use the resources we find at hand, small broken pieces of people to build a temporary and safe place.

Sadly, faith communities seem intent on building cathedrals. Super structures that inspire awe and require lots of imported materials–a great preacher (or as great as the budget allows) from the north, young and talented musicians from the east and a comfortable, suburban or cool and hip urban location.

A shelter in the woods is completely different from one in the jungle or arctic. The materials and needs are unique only to each environment. Yet churches seem to be sadly almost identical. The same awesome worship, inspired preaching and comfortable “seeker friendly” auditoriums are found in Alabama and Oregon.

What if we limited ourselves to the resources that God has placed at hand? Something unique will always emerge. The gospel has a unique and irritating characteristic: it seems more attractive to the socially awkward, the economically deprived and the meek. That is why if want to build something cool, we have to import that resource, because cool, together, even emotionally healthy is a scarce resource in the kingdom of God.

I love the unique “building” God is making at The Refuge. I love that forced creativity that happens when we find in our own friends everything we need to find community. It is not fancy, but it is fully functional and will keep you safe.

Posted in community, creativity, karl, the refuge | 4 Comments »

KARL - Resentment

Monday, June 28th, 2010

The interesting thing about recovery is the constant awareness of new character defects. Drinking, sex, relationships, drugs are but mere symptoms of the inner drive to be the master of our universe.

I heard a remarkable quote the other day, “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ain’t it great! Your character defects may be different than mine, but I can attest to the truth of that statement.

Of course I understand that not all expectations have a negative consequence. Kind of like I understand not all soccer games are boring. But all my experiences with soccer are equivalent to heavy sedation.

For me, it always works this way: if I expect in an unhealthy way
eventually I end up pissed off and trying to control someone.

The crazy part is that when this happens I am always surprised.
Like the worst case of amnesia ever, I actually believe it will
work.

Here is a partial list:

  • People I love will not irritate me (I have a very low
    threshold of irritation)
  • My children will always make me proud
  • My wife will always accurately decipher my mood and act
    accordingly
  • God will do for me what He did for my friend in the same
    situation
  • Churches will always be generous and safe
  • If I help someone, they will express gratitude
  • Good cars don’t break down
  • Money invested always goes up
  • The hamburger I ordered will look like the picture
  • I should never get the middle seat
  • If I am in the middle seat, I will get both armrests

Yes, that is right, it could be an almost infinite list and with
each example I have a story of corresponding resentment.

But what is so wrong with a little resentment? Is it not the perfect
way to let the world know it is not meeting the high standards of
Karl? Kind and truthful words will never accomplish the sense
of power that comes with pouting, smoldering, and withdrawing.

Here is my little nugget of understanding: I have never been
resentful without also being lonely.

What about you, how does it work out in you life? Do you know
the indignation of a failed expectation and the exile to the island
of alone?

Posted in karl, recovery, relationships | 3 Comments »

KARL - Healing Fatigue

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

Saturday night at The Refuge we are focusing on the season of Easter and signs of life and hope.  This past weekend we discussed Jesus’ interaction with a crippled man at the pool. “Do you want to get well?” is how Jesus opens the conversation. One might think that must be rhetorical, just a polite starter. But of course, I doubt that. Perhaps Jesus really wants to challenge the man’s thinking and inertia with this question.

Lately I think I am tired of the healing process. I am tired of having to relearn and rethink my identity. I am tired of having to evaluate so much, live in my head so much. I am tired of trying new things, of learning new ways to live. Even though it is positive change I am experiencing, still I am in this place where I don’t want to go to a meeting, share a feeling or take a drug. But, I do want to get better, so the struggle continues.

How does a person get better? I am sure each person has a list of what has worked for them, but with rare exception it was preceded by the desire to be healed.

I don’t think I have ever said out loud, “Nope- don’t want to be any better, thanks.”

But I have often said, “ I don’t have time for a meeting, I cannot afford a therapist, I am not a morning person, I need some time just for me.”

As you reflect on this thought, this season where new life is trying to rise up in dead, crippled places–what has been your way of answering the question, “Do you want to get well?”

God, I get so tired of thought-wrestling.
Change is hard.
Give me the courage to engage in this hard work.
Give me the courage to feel.
Let me see it as a sign of life. A sign of faith.

Help me to see this struggle as drawing me closer to you.
And to others.
Remind me that you are with me.
Give me others who will understand.

amen.

Posted in healing, karl | 3 Comments »

KARL - Party on, Party off…

Monday, February 15th, 2010

…or said another way, Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday. I admit, I am brand new to the rhythm of the church calendar.  Sure, I know how to do the occasional church potluck with ham bake and lime jello, but I don’t believe I have ever participated in anything that would resemble a corporate fast.

I am excited to experience this new way of living.  The story of our faith has thousands of years of partying (called feasts and festivals) that I am sure had not one bowl of jello. But maybe the reason I have not felt like partying is that I have not been “hungry” for it.

Easter Sunday is filled with fun memories of baskets and chocolate eggs and bunnies. Yet, if I am honest, it is not that big a deal. I know that technically it is the most significant of all Christian holidays, but it is always just a nice day for me.

I have been on a bit of an extreme diet lately. It is amazing how wonderful and sweet a good apple tastes when you have had no sugar or treats for 3 weeks. Or how good a vacation feels after a particularly difficult season of work.

It is the wanting and not having that makes an experience special.

I am anticipating a bit more memorable Easter this year, because I plan to get ready for it. Instead of just another day in April, it will be after 40 days of wanting.

Everyone is in a different place, but if you want, perhaps you can share how you are feeling about Lent, if you are going to experiment with giving up something, or what have been your experiences in this rhythm of party on and party off.

Posted in church calendar, karl | 1 Comment »

KARL - Thin Places: Surprise

Monday, December 14th, 2009

exclamation mark and gift boxMy wife threw a surprise party for my 40th birthday. There was lots of secrecy and fake errands to run, culminating with my appearance at the club house where 40-50 friends had gathered. It was really fun, but I have small confession:  I was not surprised.  I looked surprised–the hard work of April and the expectations of my friends demanded I feign the expected reaction. But, truth be told, I was expecting a big party.  And it is very hard to be surprised when you expect a party.  I had given her a big party for her 35th, and I felt like I deserved one in return.

If you have been following along with the Refuge advent, you know that our “thin place” this week is surprise, guided by the experience of the shepherds in Luke 2.  Saturday night, we talked about how the story is filled with the surprise of an unexpected choir, the unlikely shepherds, the size of the saviour, even the scope of the good news–to all people everywhere.

It is clear the shepherds made a cosmic contact.  They were touched by God and were shouting for joy at the encounter.  Imagine how different the story would be if the lamb jockeys had my attitude–“Hey, i deserve this. I paid my dues, and it is about time that God noticed me.”

I often have conversations with folks who seem ripped off by God. I know the feeling–looking around, feeling that somehow I am not as chosen, blessed, anointed as the rest of the schmucks in the world. Funny, God never seems to respond to a “Hey, get over here and give me some of what I deserve!”

I wonder if in our desire to be close to God we confuse anticipating with deserving?  Maybe my lack of thin places is my arrogance in believing I deserve an encounter, or worse yet, have earned it. The shepherds did not have to fake a smile or shocked look. Somehow it seems that humility opened heaven’s doors.

During this Advent I am going to try and anticipate and look, but not feel entitled.  I’ll let you know how I do.

Posted in advent, karl | 2 Comments »

KARL - I Wonder and I Won’t

Monday, October 19th, 2009

I think the faith/doubt conundrum is as old as dust.

It seems well enough documented that a person does not have faith until they have first had doubt. Most Christ followers seem to be able to articulate a time in life when they moved into a different relationship with God because they came to trust in Jesus. Perhaps our first experience with faith and doubt is clouded because it seems so clearly linear:  I moved from doubt to faith and I liked the result. End of story.

Did we perhaps begin to believe that all of our doubts would so easily resolve in a nice package of comfort and belief? But what happens if one morning we wake plagued with angst and despair that it might all be a fairy tale?

I want to suggest a simple exercise to help us define what is happening in our moments of doubt. I believe I have distilled my doubts into just two possible types: I wonder or I won’t.

To keep it concrete, let me give a simple example of a proclamation I have alternately believed and doubted–God is love.

While all doubt was at one time in my life considered evil and the road to perdition, I now enjoy the warmth and invitation of an “I wonder” type of doubt. “I wonder” doubt is what keeps me on the road of faith. Much like a hiker is compelled to know what lies at the end of the trail or the view from the mountain peak, I wonder where this all leads. I wonder if God loves me is an invitation to find out, ask for others input, and check my experiences to see if they resonate with this concept. Of course not all people or experiences shout “yep, God is love”, but the journey most often leads me toward enough evidence that often when my head hits the pillow I am once again okay with the notion of God’s love for me.

“I won’t” doubt is very different.  It is the frightening and dark part of me that causes me to dig in my heels, lock my knees and proclaim I won’t move another inch. I become immobilized, paralyzed, and actually quite comfortable in my defiance. “I won’t” believe God loves me is not a path but rather a locked room.  The genesis is the same gut feeling called doubt, but unlike wonder’s call to explore,  “I won’t” is a slamming on the brakes. It is satisfied with only the evidence gathered or experienced so far. In fact, “I won’t” doubt is irritated with any attempts to have its course changed to I believe.

I loathe simplistic solutions, and I am not attempting to negate years of struggle with a simple two step process. But, I recognize in me that doubt is often not about my lack of information (truth, scripture, wise counsel) or experiences, but about my pride and unwillingness to change. I am trying to be more honest about my doubt and live with the “I wonder” and examine more closely the “I won’t” pride that has never yet worked out to my good.

I wonder what you might be thinking… or doubting.

Posted in karl | 1 Comment »

an evening of hope

Monday, February 16th, 2009

post it noteslast sunday, february 8th, we had an evening of reflective stations to wrap up our series on hope.  it was a beautiful evening of hope & connecting with God in all kinds of ways.  several of the stations had questions about hope. here are some of the collective responses:

What causes you to lose hope??

When something goes wrong
Looking at me. Focusing on my stuff
Human forgetfulness
When I take my eyes off Jesus
That I am not forgiven
Feeling isolated and overwhelmed
When circumstances don’t change and I pray and pray
Forgetting I’m just a small part of a big beautiful picture
Circumstance after circumstance going awry, going awry going awry
Fear
Life circumstances
Circumstances, bad luck, other people
Depression, The past (at least the ugly parts), struggle without relief
Time
Death

What does hope look like?

A child’s laugh
A baby’s laugh
Others willing to listen
It looks like a ray of sunshine piercing acloudy sky
The kingdom is real and present
A strong urge inside to perpetuate anything good
It looks like a smile, a smooth easy path
Like an unexpected phone call, someone wondering how I’m doing out of the blue
My daughter that is her middle name
It looks like a hug
“The love that fills my heart after forgiveness”
A way through the desert
Friendships

Where does hope start?

It’s like a light at the end of  a dark tunnel
The rock–God
Hope begins when any journey begins
In the beginning God
I think it starts in unexpected and different ways. Sometimes inside and sometimes outside. Always God.
At the bottom
Something unexpected
Smiling eyes
No fear rather being confident in what I’m doing and God has my back
With a ray of God’s presence in your life at that moment of despair
God uses friends and a word to light the fire of hope
Hope starts with introspection and maybe analyzing God’s goodness and faithfulness
Honest safe friends
Belonging in something that is bigger than me
Hope starts with Jesus
With a conversation with a safe person that later may turn into talking with God
A tree full of crisp, sweet apples, just ready to be eaten
One more step one more breath one day closer to heaven
Waking up

When hope is lost, how can it be regained?

Crying out to Jesus
In everything with praise and thanksgiving.  God know your needs
By asking safe people to remind me of what is good
Ask a safe person. Ask God. Ask and it will be given seek and you will find
Reaching out and letting others know your feelings
By crying myself to sleep and asking God questions and being still
Staying in community   The Bible
Through the eyes of community
Never ending? looking away from ands toward God, like Mack did in The Shack book. Community with Safe real people on the way
Consciously seeking glimpses of God
Looking to the word of God and praying
Spend time with God and in prayer and in His word
By looking to the Author of Hope-Jesus
Making a decision to receive hope by remembering
I’m still working on this one
Staying in and crying out

After communion, here are some things people wrote on stones about how they were feeling:
peace    hope    solace    weak    despair    healing    Jesus    loved    fear    new puppy    comfort    grace and love    cherished    very grateful    ok together    reserved hope    love is the key    my hope is his blood flowing in me    freedom    thankful for grace from my friends    willing    wanting real bread    total    immersion in Jesus    there is hope    not alone

thank you, God, for your Hope.



Posted in community, dreams, hope, karl, kathy, the refuge, theology | No Comments »

KARL - small

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

lg and sm tomatoesI have a gross admission, we recently had a mouse infestation in our garage. Before it was over, I helped find 41 little mice find eternal peace.  Funny, I have never heard of an elephant or rhino infestation in anyone’s garage. I know that sounds silly, but I think it helps the Christmas story make sense.

I often daydream of what could be done if we could get a “do over” of the past 50 years of American church history. I wonder because in spite of the good that has been accomplished, if you could take all the money that has built thousands of mega church facilities and paid six figure salaries we could actually have done something about poverty in the world. But that means we would have to be small.

Jesus came small.  And from all the evidence stayed mostly small. He shunned spotlights and perks. Why?
Because like mice, only small will do when it comes to getting into most places.

What would happen if we stopped confusing the American dream with Kingdom dreams? What if like Jesus we were appalled by self promoting extravagance and lust for recognition and power? What if we got small and found our way into the “least of these” homes, offering less programs and more cold water and clothes?

Remember, Bethlehem baby and dream small….

Posted in jesus, karl | 2 Comments »

KARL - First Come, First Called: Who Gets to be in Charge?

Monday, August 4th, 2008

chess king
The following is a common tale in ecclesiastical imperialism (ok, church planting):

A young man (I said “man” on purpose, funny huh?), let’s call him Pastor #1, announces that God has called him to plant a church in ____________ (most commonly a white suburban or cool urban area) and thus he will need your prayers (money). Let’s say the church begins to growand becomes self sufficient. Pastor # 1 is an average speaker, average counselor, and average administrator, but the world rests on his shoulders because he is the one who was built the church. Everything is as it should be, until one day along comes an exceptional young man who becomes part of this growing community. Over time, he begins to sense a calling from God to step into more leadership in this community, maybe even to do some of what Pastor #1 is “called” to do. And, as it turns out, Pastor #2 is actually an above average speaker, above average counselor, and above average administrator. Oh my, what will happen? Since the inception of the church, Pastor #1 has said how much he loves the church and all the sacrifices he has made to make it happen. However, when the rubber meets the road, he is the one in charge.

It is really no mystery, Pastor #2 will have to go to live out his calling, after all, only one person can be the leader, right?…

Wouldn’t it be amazing to see something different in this world of church? Why is Pastor #1 the one to stay? Not because of God, but because he got to the neighborhood first! It is like the spiritual version of “called it” that my brother and I played.

I think about these things a lot because I hear stories all the time, I seem to continue to see churches replicate the same old systems of power and self-centeredness and dishonesty.

I have compiled a few other scenarios that I am still waiting to experience: (not that I really want these things, but I prefer the truth to always blaming God for our crappy decisions)

  • i am anxious to hear a Christian artist (author, singer) to say “I have completed this last work, not so much because I was inspired by God, but I really need the money.
  • “this is Pastor Cindy and her administrative assistant Joe”
  • “we are entering a million dollar building campaign, I think Jesus would rather we give the money to starving people in Africa, but I am tired of my ass hurting and I want nicer seats.”
  • “if you have struggled with the same besetting issue for more than 6 months, or have no money, please leave or at least quit asking us for help because we are tired of hearing from you.”
  • “no you cannot sing a special at church, you are not very pretty.”

Perhaps my greatest disappointment with church is the fact we can feed our egos, soften our seats, and marginalize the poor simply by using God language, throwing in a little “for the sake of the Kingdom” language here and there. I would prefer we just be a bit more honest and admit, power, money & egos are huge motivators for decisions churches make. And let’s face it, in systems like these, the “least of these” will continue to be last.

Posted in church stuff, karl | 5 Comments »

KARL - The Fear of "L"

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007


Beware: not a funny blog. boring, actually, but for a small section, perhaps interesting.

Most of my Christian life I have been afraid of “L”

It is similar to when I was in grade school, and more than anything I did not want to be a sissy. I don’t think a worse epithet could be hurled at me. So great was my fear that I not only did all I could to avoid that label, but I of course avoided those who were identified as sissies. But what exactly is a sissy?

When I first became a Christ follower in high school, the only Christians I knew were very conservative evangelicals. I am really grateful for the bible training I received, but the constant fear of “L” is a lingering effect. The threat of “L” is still a weapon used today, and the ramifications can be painful.

Liberal was the worst category of people, for they were bright, educated, and wrong. To be liberal was wrong in moral or willful ways, not simply ideology. While in Bible College and seminary I was taught it was the greatest threat to the cause of Christ and the kingdom of God. But what exactly is liberal?

I understand that politically some who would prefer to see a more equitable distribution of wealth via government action are liberals. But by any definition they are the enemies of conservatives. I have always been on the conservative team, and thus my enemies were liberals.

Here is what happens then in real life: I am confronted with an issue regarding politics, sex, money, heaven, etc. Responding was never really very difficult because I used to know exactly what my team thought. I could give a “right” answer, and I knew it was right because it was agreed to by all my friends and it was conservative. Ah, so comforting. But what happens if you start to think a thought that you know is not conservative? (think, what happens if I cry on the playground?)
Fear. Fear that my conservative friends will think I am liberal. And then I won’t have any friends.

I am in new phase of life, where I want to think thoughts that scare me, and might not be conservative. But I am afraid I will be without friends. Long story, old message. We all want friends, and that desire clouds much of what we do. I miss the clarity. It was so much easier. I don’t really want to have to make all new friends. Can it be okay to have a just a little bit of L? I can already hear the voices “it’s a slippery slope…”

Or maybe I just need new friends?

Posted in fundamentalism, karl | 12 Comments »

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