Note: I told Kathy that I wanted to write this piece on why I am choosing celibacy. I realized that I might offend some of unmarried friends who are making other choices in their lives. Please know I am just sharing my experience and what I have to say is not said with any judgment toward others. As we are talking about Living The Way at our Saturday evening gatherings, I realized this is a piece of what God has been deeply stirring up in me, for my life.
I have not sought to date since the break-up of my marriage. I had a really difficult time letting go of the bond that I shared with my husband. My friend Kay calls it an “unholy bond” because the man I was bonded with did not love me and did not treat me well. In seeking treatment and working through this break-up I have come to some realizations about relationships. My relationship with my ex started out as a physical relationship. The commitment between us came later. In fact, we had our first daughter out of wedlock and didn’t marry until years later. I know now that the bond that I felt with my ex was for the most part a physical bond. I have also come to realize how much my self-esteem was based on his physical response towards me. It has taken me a long time to let go of needing that kind of attention.
In addition, there was always a sense of guilt and shame that I carried around. I had been taught that sexual intimacy is sacred and shared between a husband and a wife. I had all sorts of intellectual arguments in my head as to why that kind of thinking was just old fashioned and outdated. Yet those arguments didn’t help me get past the fact that I knew I was sinning. Down deep, I knew that by compromising myself I was somehow violating God’s heart for me. No matter how I tried to rationalize it was all still there. It affected the relationship I had with God. It affected my ability to pray. It affected how I felt when I walked into church.
Four years ago when my divorce was final I had to decide how I wanted to go forward in life. I knew I wasn’t ready to date again. I also knew that I wanted to have healthy relationships with men. I decided to choose celibacy. What that means to me at this point is that I avoid anything that would bring about the desire for sexual intimacy. I really strive to see myself just as a fellow human being and not only as a sexual being. The good news is that I am building some healthy male friendships that are spiritually transforming. Sometimes it’s hard not to get that male attention that was always so important to me in the past. But, I am working on seeing what God sees when I look in the mirror. If there is a point that I do begin to date again then I am committed to keep good boundaries. I see the value in waiting and saving sexual intimacy for marriage. It’s what I want to model for my children and for the community around me. Through this choice, I am learning things about God and myself that I am so thankful for.
