Archive for the ‘journey’ Category

TAMI - Grieving “For”

Monday, October 18th, 2010

I am grieving a long goodbye to a preposition—the word I so often use and abuse and twist like a bendy figurine. The word is “for.”

There’s so much power packed into this little word. We’ve talked a bunch about the differences between “to, for, and with” in relationship to how we do community with folks. “With” is always the clear preference for authentic,
mutually respectful, equal, beautiful, messy-but-real relationships… “With” is entirely more complicated. Depends on how bent a person may be on controlling people or situations that are not exactly what we had envisioned them turning out to be! The addict that didn’t want help, the lonely person that pushed people
away…

I’m grieving terribly! I have a feeling I rather crave this perceived control– Somehow I’ve taken to this crazy idea that it’s easier or better or more efficient for ME (number one) to solve the problem, apply simple solution, and make all better– Just like that!

SO I found this interesting tidbit of info that gave me a better idea about what it is to live “with” and let “for” fade more to its proper place. I’m a wanna-be computer nerd, so I got a welcome idea illustration when I learned this little tidbit about computer program language. In computer language there’s actually a thing called a “for loop” where the programmer can dictate something to happen over and over again, and they can even program how many times this must happen.

There’s another kind of loop called a “do loop” that’s identical to a “for loop.” Interesting, isn’t it? My point is that some genius somewhere came out with an actual command for these wonderful machines we call computers, which tells it what to do and when to do it, and how many times. And as long as it does that command, everything runs smoothly within the program. This is the function of “for” in a computer. Isn’t that what “for” is for?? And the fact that a “do loop” is the exact same thing… well, as long as we DO, DO, DO what we are programmed FOR, FOR, FOR…

Get what I’m saying? It seems like there should be a nice algorithm to the whole thing, right? It puts a whole new meaning to controlling situations and outcomes with “for.” As long as I can do whatever it takes to make things happen that I think should happen, then I control the situation and I am doing “for.” There is no room for “with,” because that would require me to leave options open– choices and dialogue from the other side. Oh, how I fear that unknown! But how I do long for it… I can imagine the wonderful conversations and amazing new algorithms yet to be discovered!

Posted in journey, tami | 7 Comments »

MIKE - labyrinth-the maze of life

Monday, September 13th, 2010

labyrinth-1. an intricate structure of interconnecting
passages through which it is difficult to find one’s way;
a maze. 2. something highly intricate or convoluted in
character, composition, or construction. that’s what the
american heritage college dictionary has to say.

recently i went on my first outside labyrinth walk. before you mistake me for someone super spiritual, let me set the record straight. the reason i participated in this event was purely self serving. i went to spend quality time with my friends from the refuge, not to gain a closer connection with God. but, as He usually does, He intersected with me right where i was. a labyrinth differs from a maze in one important aspect. there are no dead ends in the labyrinth. the path will always lead toward the center or away from the center, but never into a dead end. even if you decide to step over the boundaries to get to a different section of the path, you are either going forward, toward the goal, or away from it.

as i embarked on this spiritual activity i was impressed by the parallel between the labyrinth and the journey of life. vibrant shrubs were the first things that caught my eye. they surrounded the outer edge. many were quite full and healthy. some, though, had weeds growing in them and looked sickly. others had “things” growing out of them that looked kinda like weeds, but also looked like they might be new growth. ugly, lifeless weeds were growing in the cracks between the flagstone of the path. God seemed to impress on me how the beautiful bushes and the ugly weeds could occupy the same space but be completely opposite each other. while some were thriving, others were just existing and others were dying. and the vibrant shrubs could be compromised when entangled with the weeds. and you know i can never be sure what the “things” were–just like i can never know if people are full of life or death. and maybe it doesn’t matter, anyway. maybe it’s His business and their business, but not mine. “things” can be different from me, but still be alright.

between the bushes were solar powered lights, there, i suppose, to shed some light on the darkness. not a single one was standing straight, like i imagine they were when they were placed in the garden. they were all bent over, in varying degrees, from the elements and storms of life. but they still worked. still gave off light. that is all but one. it’s base had become detached from the solar panel. although the sun shown equally on all the lamps, this broken one received no power. interesting to me was the fact that the creator of the labyrinth had decided to not discard this broken vessel. instead it remained, waiting for the day he could fix it and make it whole again.

i noticed many various rocks on my journey. some small. some big. there were many different colors. some were prettier than others. some weathered. some covered in mud. a few were whole and smooth, but most were broken and jagged. a lot like the people in my life. each different, but all with a certain beauty. life has made each who he/she is today. each with a special story. none the same. each unique.

a few groups of bike riders ventured by. some seemed oblivious to the path of life i was on. others looked with disdain in a dismissive way, like they were somehow judging my journey. similar, i’m sure, to the way i have judged theirs. memories flooded my mind. back to the time my wife and i experienced life giving spiritual renewal as we rode our mountain bikes with our kids, exploring God’s beauty in nature and connecting in a mystical way with His glory. that was my path then. it might be their path now. who am i to judge. all of our paths are different, because they are our paths now.

this labyrinth was constructed in a manner that gave the illusion that you were getting farther away from the center, when in reality you were right on course. a lot like life, me thinks. many times it felt like i was going in the wrong direction and i had to fight the urge to carve out a new path for myself. sometimes my friends and i were going in opposite directions. other times we were going the same way. on occasion, we were going side by side for the briefest of moments. at times the trail seemed to be too long. i wanted to quit. but stopping didn’t change the fact that i was still on a journey. i had to keep moving. the only choice was go forward or going backward. so i trudged along. the one who went before me, encouraged me that i was, in fact going in the right direction. even when the road seemed bumpy and uneven. there were a few times i could see a ways down this path, but for the most part i could not see more than a few feet in front of me.

yes the labyrinth, like life, must be traveled one step at a time. one day at a time. trusting that the Creator designed it in such a way that i will reach my goal, actually His goal, if i continue to keep moving. putting one foot in front of the next, taking the best next step.

the refuge hosts a monthly labyrinth walk around denver/boulder. our next one is sunday, september 26th at northglenn church of christ. details here

Posted in journey, mike | 3 Comments »

CHRISTA - “Ordinary Time”

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

ordinarytimeI really like this part of the church calendar…this “ordinary” time.

It’s intriguing to me. A big blank canvas, stage, room, page, to fill with…

Turn with me to a different thought for a moment.

“Ordinary Time” always makes me think of the morality play Everyman. Which in turn makes me think of the song by Over the Rhine, Everyman’s Daughter.

Morality plays were the sort of thing one was writing if one was an aspiring playwright in 15th century England. You were sure to have your play performed if you were telling people about good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, how to get to heaven and avoid hell, that sort of thing.

Everyman is a famous play with an unknown author. Basically, Everyman is one character who represent all of humanity in his quest for Christian Salvation. He meets many allegorical characters in his journey-
Fellowship
Kindred
Cousin
Goods (material)
Good Deeds
Knowledge
Confession
Beauty
Strength
Discretion
Five Wits

Everyman figures out at that most of these characters will leave him as he ages or dies and the only thing that can live on after him are his “Good Deeds”.

Now, I’m not saying I subscribe to all the theology that created Everyman but, for some reason, this particular morality play has always intrigued me. I really like the idea of one figure representing humanity and walking around on stage, trying to figure things out.

That’s why the song, Everyman’s Daughter, caught my eyes and ears.

Here are some lyrics-

“Look inside for the elusive goldmine.

Broken glass and a little cheap wine

is all that I can find.

And bundles of contradictions,

my heart full of loose connections,

hands across my eyes.

I cannot disguise I’m everyman’s daughter.

It’s always the same old question.

Who am I and whose invention?

This armour’s full of dust.

There’s so much of us in each other.

I am. I am. I am.

everyman’s daughter”

This song too, is about trying to figure life out.

I think I can simplify by saying these 2 pieces are about a man and a woman making it through their ordinary times. The moments that don’t seem like anything special. The days that are hot, long and hard. The nights that offer no grace and no sleep. And just the repetitiousness of living…day after day after day…

And now hopefully we can return to the intrigue that got me here…the “ordinary time” of our church calendar…

It is a big blank canvas, stage, room, page, to fill with…ourselves…simple (though like all simple things it can be ridiculously difficult)

I hope through the next few ordinary days of your life that you can see that we are all on this journey together (though one man or woman may be chosen to represent us or sing our songs). Many of us are asking the same questions.  But, may we chose to believe that we are enough to fill these days.

May you say with vigor and conviction, “I am enough to fill these ordinary days.”

Posted in christa, church calendar, journey | 2 Comments »

STACY - Identifying with Humpty Dumpty

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All of the King’s horses and all of the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

In our Summer House of Refuge, we are re-visiting the Twelve Steps together, and we are in the process of working through them individually and collectively. Hang around us refugees long enough, and you will most likely hear various stories about how influential the practice of doing the work of the steps has been.

* * * * *

When I was in graduate school, one of my core classes was called Addictive Disorders. As a course requirement, we were to attend a 12 step meeting, and write about our experience. My friend Laura and I faithfully went to our AA meeting (which met in the same strip mall as a bar ? How hard would that be?!). While it was never overtly stated, you better believe that we wanted to make sure to the rest of the group knew we were just visitors. Addiction? Noooo. Trouble? Bah. Ignorance about what it means to live out the hard truth of Step One? Um, for sure.

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.

We defined in our Summer House of Refuge that “addictions” could also be deemed as unhealthy coping mechanisms. That language actually helps me connect deeper with this whole 12 step process, in a more personal way. While the struggle with alcohol and drugs are not a part of my story, I definitely have my fair share of unhealthy coping mechanisms to add to the table. Since unrealistic personal standards, as well as unhealthy perfectionism are a part of my battle, it is really important for me to see how that relates to my role in community.

The nursery rhyme that tells the brief story of Humpty Dumpty makes me think in a lot of ways, about Step One. Minutes prior to the critical fall, Humpty appeared to have some things going for him. At the top of a high place, happily minding his own business, and, well…. whole. Not much control in the process at this point, and like us, not too happy when things become unraveled. My guess would be that the descent for Humpty was super traumatic, especially since all of his community couldn’t do the work to piece him back together. The work of the 12 steps needs to also  be done individually, yet we can be truly supported by our fellow sojourners. However, we have much more hope, and thankfully, there are 11 more steps.

Like Humpty, the falling, or admitting we are not together, may very well be the beginning of a new, and uniquely beautiful story.

Posted in healing, houses of refuge, journey, relationships, stacy | 3 Comments »

a prayer for holy week

Monday, March 29th, 2010

May we follow

May we follow you O Jesus
with palms in one hand
and bread and wine in the other

May we follow you, O Jesus
with hosanna in our throats
and questions on our minds

May we follow you, O Jesus
trusting your love
even as we hesitate at it’s cost

May we follow you, O Jesus
familiar with the story
frightened by the reality

May we follow you, O Jesus
hearing the sounds of the week
and recognising our own voices

May we follow you, O Jesus
there at the beginning
through to the ending as well

Roddy Hamilton, Abbotsford Chuch, Scotland, 2009

Posted in church calendar, jesus, journey, prayer | No Comments »

MIKE - enjoying the journey

Monday, March 15th, 2010

when my dad died at the age of 45, my mom spoke these great words of wisdom to me:

“your father and i were always waiting for something. …until we married. …until he was out of school. …until we had kids. …until you kids were grown. our until never came and now he is dead. live now, don’t wait for the untils to start living.”

at age 41 my wife died, and these words came rushing back into my memory. we had waited until………. fill in the blank. now she was gone.

a buddy and i used to make road trips to vegas and california. we got up early in the morning and started driving, as fast as we could go. the gas station was the only respite. gas,food and a potty break and we were on the road again. we were men on a mission. we had a destination, and nothing was going to stop us from reaching our objective. driving thousands of miles we saw nothing. appreciated nothing. it wasn’t the journey we cared about, it was the end result. on these trips we missed so much. the landscape of the land. the joy of each other’s company. the quiet time with God. we missed the present, because we were looking to the future to make us happy.

in his book “the wounded healer”, henri nowen says:

“we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace to our restless life, the job where we can fulfill our potential, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel at home. such false hope leads us to exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can live up to our absolutistic expectations.”

outside of God we will never reach the destination that our hearts truly desire. so what are we to do? how can we enjoy the journey? what would it look like to live in the here and now and pay no heed to the future? what can we do to make sure we don’t miss what God has in store for us, today?

in the devotion “the meal that makes us family and friends”, henri nouwen states:

“We all need to eat and drink to stay alive. But having a meal is more than eating and drinking. It is celebrating the gifts of life we share. A meal together is one of the most intimate and sacred human events. Around the table we become vulnerable, filling one another’s plates and cups and encouraging one another to eat and drink. Much more happens at a meal than satisfying hunger and quenching thirst. Around the table we become family, friends, community, yes, a body. That is why it is so important to “set” the table. Flowers, candles, colorful napkins all help us to say to one another, ‘This is a very special time for us, let’s enjoy it!’”

as i read these words, i looked back over my week. an amazing week, but really a typical week. i have made it my vocation to live immersed in community. redemptive community. making time for coffee with friends. going on movie dates. being vulnerable. sharing meals together. small groups.  all just vehicles for sharing the landscapes of our hearts. a chance to know and be known. as nouwen says: “the most intimate and sacred human events.”

it would be such a pity to miss these amazing life changing interactions, because my dreams and my heart were in some future destination that may never be attained. my desire this lent is to stay in the present and enjoy and smell all the roses God brings into my journey.

Posted in journey, mike | 1 Comment »

Walking the Labyrinth

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Walking the labyrinth provides an opportunity to be attentive to God’s presence in new and fresh ways.  For many, the labyrinth is a new tool but even for those who have experienced it before, each entry into the labyrinth can be an opportunity to encounter the Divine in a new way. The labyrinth has only one path to the center. There are no dead ends or wrong turns. Everything on the path is a metaphor for life’s journey.

Once a month we are offering a time to walk the labyrinth together in the Denver/Boulder area. A few who went in January share these reflections about their first experience.


AA: At First Glance

At first glace, the labyrinth looked like a regular maze design painted on a concrete floor.  As I entered, however, I realized I was entering an experience that would reach into my very soul.  I took a deep breath and began shuffling slowly through it.  As I walked back and forth; following the path, I contested being distracted by the others who were also in the labyrinth.  It was quiet in the room.  I knew the path I was on would eventually lead me to my destination (the center).  But I kept gazing towards the center, strategizing a faster way to get there.  At the center, I would be able to sit down, reflect and refresh.  But like my life, I had to follow all the turns, walk over all the cracks and stay within the path.  I became cognizant I was not alone in my labyrinth journey.  The others were also following each turn, crack and path; just as I was.  It allowed me to remember that in my life journey, I am also not alone.  I felt a sense of peace with this awareness.  It comforted my spirit.

As I eventually arrived at the center, I felt ready to receive what I was going to take away from my labyrinth experience.  If I had hurried or found a short-cut, I wouldn’t have had the capacity to fully refresh.  Just as deoxygenated blood returns to the lungs to receive fresh oxygen, I was ready to receive.  I did sit down in the center and began to reflect on my life.  I was grateful for each turn and crack because they required me to slow down.  My soul was finally quieted.  I was still.  I was at peace.

As I began to saunter out of the center and work my way back towards the outside of the labyrinth, I was like reoxygenated blood being pumped out of the aorta of the heart to the body.  Ready to give.

MJ: Life’s Labyrinth

Reluctantly, I faced the path in front of me. Resistance flooded every part of me.
So unfamiliar the path. So alone. Grief washed over me, for the loss of all that was familiar. Tears came and went and I realized I could no longer stand on the sidelines of my life. And I stepped into this new labyrinth of my life.

Fear, uncertainty, irritation quickly came over me, at all the loops and turns. Then a nice long stretch brought some comfort to me. “This isn’t so bad”, I realized, about a quarter way thru, “I can do this.” Pausing for reflection, I felt the solidness of my feet on the firm ground. Trust began to flicker and grow stronger- from a source too Real to limit with human words or ideology.

My breathing slowed and a keen awareness of walking gently in my own space enveloped me. And yet I could sense the nearness of others and felt trust for their journey as well. Separate, distinct sojourners, yet so unified in spirit it was palpable. I finally reached the center—a place of rest and reflection. Must I leave? Despite the deep attraction to remain in the labyrinth center, a growing sense of joyful anticipation began to pull me back toward the path to the outer world.

My pace quickens, the longer pathways feel like I’m skating along, carefree and joyful.
Suddenly, the pathways are short with multiple hairpin turns and I must slow down. Wisdom whispers to me “go slowly in this season; see all the sharp curves still ahead for you.” I oblige, knowing the path will again smooth out in the distant future. Patience grows.

With each step back towards the outer labyrinth, the integration of my inner world with my outer world strengthens. Integrity and wholeness grow. Yeah, I made it! Back in the outer world, I rest gratefully in the sun. Peaceful, I felt a renewed confidence that my life’s labyrinth is a good path to be on, one step at a time.

JH: The Cracked Path Continues

In anticipation of a time of serenity I was eager to step on the path and have a little bubble of peace. It seemed like the labyrinth would be a good discipline for me to stay in the present moment, know God’s presence, and experience the metaphor of my journey in a way that brings peace and insight.

As I entered the labyrinth, instead of being able to find a nice meditative pace for walking and breathing, I noticed I was gasping for air and trying to hold back a cough, hoping my bad cold wouldn’t disturb others! I remembered the 3 movements on the labyrinth journey are “release, receive, and return.” I could be mindful of those. Soon I felt lost, unsure of the direction I was going. The labyrinth path winds around and doubles back over and over again. Each turn required courage to keep going. I seemed no closer to the center. It looked like the entire journey would be about releasing and relinquishment. Sadness and fear. The cracks in the cement seemed to speak of imperfection, things gone wrong, yet soon, this actually became a great comfort to me. In spite of the cracks the path was not deterred and continued on its way. I rubbed my foot over each crack as if to say, “The cracks are okay. They won’t prevent me from reaching my destination.” Eventually the assurance came to me, “God, you are with me in the ‘cracks’ as well as the ‘perfect’ parts of the path.” I needed to know that.

When I got to the center I didn’t want to leave, but after a few minutes gathered the courage to start out again. At the points where the path crossed over to the other quadrant of the design it seemed to be especially symbolic of my journey. I knew I needed God’s help and presence to cross over to what is next. When I exited the labyrinth path I was tired, but was enjoying the sense of God’s presence. It had not been the little serenity bubble I expected, but was an amazing time with bits of insight and surprise. There was no outcome to control or predict, so it was as it should be for this visit.

They say the labyrinth is very user friendly. You cannot get lost nor can you fail. You go along at your own pace and listen to the inner voice. After all it’s your metaphor!

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KATHY - follow me

Monday, February 8th, 2010

“One day as Jesus was preaching on the shore of the Sea of Galilee, great crowds pressed in on him to listen to the word of God. He noticed two empty boats at the water’s edge, for the fishermen had left them and were washing their nets. Stepping into one of the boats, Jesus asked Simon, its owner, to push it out into the water. So he sat in the boat and taught the crowds from there. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Now go out where it is deeper, and let down your nets to catch some fish.” “Master,” Simon replied, “we worked hard all last night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you say so, I’ll let the nets down again.” And this time their nets were so full of fish they began to tear! A shout for help brought their partners in the other boat, and soon both boats were filled with fish and on the verge of sinking. When Simon Peter realized what had happened, he fell to his knees before Jesus and said, “Oh, Lord, please leave me—I’m too much of a sinner to be around you.” For he was awestruck by the number of fish they had caught, as were the others with him. His partners, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, were also amazed. Jesus replied to Simon, “Don’t be afraid! From now on you’ll be fishing for people!” And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus.” luke 5:11, NLT

this past saturday night we had a fun conversation about the calling of the first disciples in luke 5:1-11. part of the power in the Bible is being able to identify with the story, to notice the intersections with our own life & to notice what God might be stirring up in us in the midst. in our conversation together there were a few observations about the story that i want to highlight here for those of you who weren’t there and are just reading for the first time.

God always chose the least likely. these lowly fisherman weren’t the last pick, the ones left over. they were the first pick. i don’t think we can ever dismiss the message that Jesus continues to embody–the ways of the kingdom are totally counter-cultural to the ways of the world and many religious systems. when peter saw the loads of fish in the net, he cried out “i’m not worthy.” my guess is that many of us feel unworthy, too. what do we have to offer God? what do we have to offer others? maybe in the world we don’t have the skills or the talents or the put-togetherness, but in the kingdom none of that seems to matter. this passage cries out “the least, the last, the willing”, that’s who Jesus seems to continually point to.

to be a disciple means that we must become students of the Teacher. that means that we will have to humble ourselves and respect that we have a lot to learn. we can all say that in theory but actually submitting ourselves to the master’s teaching is whole other story. “following” requires humility & a softening of our pride, ego, and all things that keep us in control of our own destinies and comforts. also, students don’t learn everything at once; real learning is a forever process. we are more infiltrated with the worldly message of “quick, easy, success” than we probably even know, and i’m guessing it really affects our ability to lean into the long & never-ending work of ongoing transformation.

everyone’s “calling” is different & one isn’t more important or better than another. for some, it is a big one–God is asking us to make some big shifts in our life, give up something that is comfortable and familiar for an entirely new direction. for others, it might just be a prompting to risk ourselves in a way we aren’t used, a calling to trust God through action in a relationship, situation, or experience. and then there’s everything in between. the big idea is that if we each have to listen to what Jesus is stirring up in us individually. what is he calling us to that scares us, no matter how big or small.

if we listen to the voices rattling in our head or from the outside, we will always find ways not to go. we explored some of the voices that come rushing in when we hear the stirring, the call to “follow”, whatever that may look like some of these voices might say “what if you fail?” “you’re not good enough to do it”, “what if that’s not really God’s voice?” “it’s just not possible” “who do you think you are trying that?” “change is just too hard” “what if i heard wrong?” the list could go on and on, but in this passage it seems to me these first disciples didn’t spend too much time listening to the voices. they took a chance, they went.

marty shared a quote she had recently heard that is really worth pondering,

“fear, resistance and struggle is all in your head.  your heart is the part with the courage and the wisdom. live from there.  act from there.”

there were so many other thoughts shared. if you were there and have a few others that stuck out to you, please share them here.

this year i really want to explore what it means to humble myself & follow. to go where i’m afraid to go. to follow God’s lead to the low and scary places. to learn what it means to be a student of the master.

ps: at the end of our gathering, we had a little journaling exercise to take home and consider this week for those that wanted to explore this idea a little more. here are the questions:

  • Read Luke 5:1-11
  • Looking back, what are some decisions that you have made that have made you proud, that you are glad you took?
  • Is God stirring up something in your heart, a step you are contemplating to somehow ”follow him”?
  • How will this step require humility?  Courage?
  • What are some of the obstacles in the way (real or perceived or just things rattling around in your head) that might keep you from moving forward?  What would it look like to overcome them?
  • What would you like to see transformed in your life journey?
  • Read Psalm 138

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thin places: vigilance

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

a video reflection from our 4th week of advent.

Posted in advent, journey, prayer | 2 Comments »