Archive for the ‘identity’ Category

RICHARD - Hello. My Name Is …

Monday, October 25th, 2010

My parents named me Richard. They liked that name, but they also said that they wanted to be sure I had a name that other kids wouldn’ t make fun of. So from early childhood I was called Dick. Go figure. They led sheltered lives.

When I was about three, a babysitter came in to get me after a nap. She found me in my crib, saying over and over, “ Dickie’ s a baaaad boy.” We laughed about it in the family – and I hasten to add that family life was good, stable, loving, affirming – but somehow negative self-talk has always been a part of my life.

On June 23 I had a devastating personal crisis and attempted suicide. I spent almost two weeks in a psych hospital, trying to deal with a jumble of powerful emotions: remorse, guilt, shame and fear. My prayers were more like screams and sobs. But God was there, trying to get through to me. Over the next several days, with baby steps and setbacks, fear began to yield to hope, and shame subsided a little bit as I experienced grace. I have a long, long way to go.

During intake at the psych hospital, I had told staff that I wanted to be called Dick. But two days later I asked them to call me Richard, and I introduced myself to fellow patients with my birth name. I came to the Refuge as Richard. My old name is becoming my new name.

There are many change-of-name accounts in the Bible. Abram and Sarai become Abraham and Sarah. Jacob becomes Israel. Joseph becomes Zaphnathpaaneah (look it up! Genesis 41:45). Simon becomes Peter. Saul becomes Paul. Names carry meaning.

I looked up the meaning of my names. “ Richard” means “ powerful ruler.” (My fellow patients started calling me “ King Richard,” which was weird and wonderful and embarrassing.) “ Dick” is listed simply as a nickname for Richard. But you know it has other meanings.

I don’ t mind if people call me Dick; my family and some of my dearest friends call me that. But it’ s also associated with some painful stuff. “ Dickie’ s a baaad boy.” A scared, awkward, timid little boy and a shamefully addicted adult. I want to re-claim my birth name, Richard. I’ m not sure about “ powerful ruler” – but I know this: I can claim no power except God’ s power, and no authority other than Christ ruling in me. It’ s astounding to me to think that God – knowing me through and through, knowing what I’ ve done, knowing my ugliest secrets, still says to me (and to you!) “ I have written your name on the palms of my hands” (Isaiah 49:16).

Adrienne Rich wrote this:

Either you will go through this door
or you will not go through.
If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name.

For decades I’ve called myself names: slimeball, disgusting, evil – even while pretending to have it all together. I’ m about four months in recovery. Sometimes it feels like no recovery at all, with the negative self-talk crowding out all other thoughts, with remorse, fear, and self-loathing engulfing my mind, body and spirit. But a little bit more each day I get glimpses of grace. It hurts like crazy, but it’ s starting to feel more like healing. I want to reclaim the name that God has for me.

This isn’ t really about “ proper names.” How you and I introduce ourselves, what it says on a birth certificate or a driver’ s license, what a nickname means to us – none of that is important compared to the name that is written on the palm of God’ s hand. Whether my name is Dick, or Richard, or Zaphnathpaaneah, is not important compared to God’ s dream for me. My name, at best, is a metaphor for who I am, or rather, who I am becoming, in God’ s grace.

D. J. Butler wrote a lovely worship song that speaks to me on this journey:

I will change your name:
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid.

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one,
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks My face.

Thank you, God, for the Refuge, where people whose lives have been shredded by what has been done to them and by what they have done, are claiming the new life that you have for them. Thank you, God – for knowing everything there is to know about me, and yet calling me Beloved.

Posted in community, healing, hope, identity, recovery, richard | 8 Comments »

KATIE - Journey of a Tea Leaf (aka: story of my life)

Monday, July 26th, 2010

The picture here shows a bundle of “flowering” tea leaves. Tea is a term we use loosely to refer to any aromatic beverage made by steeping dried botanicals, but the long journey of real tea starts as the seed from a tropical evergreen called the Chinese Camilla. First, it is planted in a hot climate, at high elevation, in acidic soil. For a time, it’s given plenty of nutrients and rain. As it matures, it’s not allowed to grow into a tree, instead it’s cultivated and pruned so that it stays a manageable height. Then, just the top couple inches of leaves are plucked, and processed in a variety of ways that may include withering, drying, heating, crushing, bruising, breaking and oxidizing. Later, the leaves may be scented with Jasmine, flavored with fruit infusions, or blended to achieve particular characteristics. Then, it may be left loose or bound, bagged, boxed, and stored where it may be a long time before they get used. Finally, scalding hot water is poured over it and left to sit a while, leaving the tea to ponder all that it used to be and wonder, how exactly did I get here?

My journey has also been an interesting one. I was born in Hollywood, CA when my mom was young and unmarried. She claims she knew right away that I was going to be one of the most wonderful people on the planet. At the time, my biological father was not ready for all that, so my mom and I lived with my grandmother.

Before I can remember, my mom moved out to get a job in LA and my grandmother and I moved to Ventura (couple hours north.) I was sent to a Catholic school because my grandmother was raised Catholic, though she seemed more committed to my getting a good education, than to the faith itself. My mom got married when I was 7 and had my sister Lillee right away. Since they were both working and juggling childcare, I stayed with my grandmother, visited the parents on some weekends, and all 4 of my moms sisters helped with raising me. In many ways, I flourished.

When I was 11, my world changed. Though they said the choice was mine, I was essentially plucked out of the world I knew and taken to a very hot, dry place. You see, my parents were given the opportunity to move with their company to Phoenix, AZ and wanted me to come with them. I was excited for a new adventure and the thought of having a traditional, nuclear family appealed to me, but life was very different. I suddenly had new house rules, a very strict father figure who is only 13 years older than me, and soon there were 3 little sisters to take responsibility for. Not only that, I was attending public school and we didn’t even go to church! Though I was free from many of the religious rigors I had felt weighed down by in Catholic school, I often felt crushed under the pressure to be the perfect child.

By the time I went to college, I had a nagging feeling that I was missing something spiritually. I got involved in Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship and met some great people that helped me investigate faith, but it took me a while to commit to it. I had a lot of doubts and questions. I also had this cute boyfriend who very wonderful and very agnostic, and he challenged and questioned my every step of faith. Eventually, my heart was changed by seeing God work miraculously in and through people who loved the poor and loved their enemies and trusted in things unseen. This led me to feel convicted not to marry someone who was not on the same page spiritually, so I dumped my boyfriend after 4.5 years. That left both our hearts feeling rather bruised and broken. Despite the emotional drama, I managed to graduate with honors in Environmental Engineering from Northern Arizona University. Later, he came to faith on his own terms and we’ve now been married for almost 11 years!

Early in our marriage, we followed his job out to Boston and joined a Vineyard church. I worked as an engineer for a while, but it was not a good fit for me so I left to work with a computer-training ministry to the underprivileged. Our faith and relationships were growing and fruitful.

After about 4 years, we moved to Chicago to live with my husband’s parents and save money. I must admit I have been blessed with fantastic in-laws and we loved the time that we spent with them. I worked as an accounting assisting with Northwestern University, which I could bike to from their house. We tried the mega-church thing for a while there and grew in our understanding of service and using our gifts for God.

After 2 years there, we followed my husband’s job out to Colorado and bought our first home. We now have two adorable girls and I get to stay home with them. We are also an integral part of this church community called The Refuge. We go to a multi-generational small group, plus I host a mom’s small group. I’m also part of a MOPS group where I’m on the steering team and participate in a Bible Study.

You’d think that with all this spiritual nourishment, I’d be growing and fruitful, but though these things address my needs for social involvement and personal validation, in all honesty I’m feeling really spiritually withered and I sometimes wonder, “how exactly did I get here?”

  • I used to spend hours doing inductive Bible studies, using a concordance and color-coding themes, now I’m lucky to complete a single chapter from a Bible study guide once a month
  • I used to have long, theological discussions with friends, now I occasionally read Bible stories to the kids
  • I used to practice intercessory prayer, now I rarely have the opportunity to pray out loud, and when I do, I often choose not to
  • I used to go on missions trips and feed the hungry, now I might make a dinner for a friend who just had a baby
  • I used to pray with my husband before we went to sleep, now we’re so exhausted we often don’t to anything before sleep
  • I used to keep a prayer journal, recording what God was doing in my life, now I have journals, scrapbooks, a blog and a facebook account, and none of them are up to date
  • In addition to all this spiritual dryness, I perpetually feel like I’m not a good enough mom, or wife, or friend, and I have no idea how I’ll ever have a career again

When I look at the flowering tea pictured here, I think about all that it has been through, and how it finally comes into its true purpose. It has turned plain water into an aromatic and delicious liquid with cardiovascular and antioxidant health benefits. I am reminded that it is my whole journey, not just my successes or failures, which make me who I am. I know that I am a treasured child of the most high God, and he has plans to use my life, my history, and my challenges to flavor and bless the world around me. I just need to allow myself to be used by him, to open myself up to trials and risks that may seems scalding at the time, but will cause me to bloom in ways I never expected. In this season of my life, I may feel as though my spiritual life has been shelved and I’m not living up to my potential; but I suspect that I’m not the only mother of young children that feels this way. And maybe the best way I can bless the world around me in this season is to let other people know that they’re not alone either.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (New International Version)
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in us (our body).

To watch a demonstration of flowering tea, check out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnH3EAES8_8&feature=related

Posted in identity, katie, spiritual formation | 7 Comments »

MICHELLE - Signs of Life

Monday, April 12th, 2010

in the weeks following Jesus’ resurrection, we will have a series of posts on the refuge blog focused on “signs of real life”.  we’ll also continue our conversations on saturday evenings in the same vein.  enjoy this one by michelle.

Signs of Life

Signs of life so easily buried.

Illusions shattered, winter hardens the dry ground.

Even as the robins begin their spring symphony, sleeting rain and snow weigh down their light feathers, as the harshness of winter intrudes yet again on the signs of new life.

The song of love invites me to join its chorus.  I resist.

Why sing along when winter will just come again

And bury my song under freezing blankets of snow.

I bury the signs of life, and my heart hardens.

Five robins now perch on the branches outside my window.

Their light and hopeful aria really, really bothers me.

Stupid birds, why do they sing even as the snow piles on top of their orange beaks?

Wisdom whispers to me, “They sing because that’s what they were made to do.”

Why love?  Why forgive?  The robins’ song reminds me, that’s what I’m created for.

I can only choose to sing or not sing.

I sing, one warbly note, then another.

Signs of life in my cold winter’s heart tell me spring is finally here.

Posted in hope, identity, michelle | 4 Comments »

a metaphor for us

Monday, April 20th, 2009

cupcake with candlesthe refuge is 3 years old!   it’s hard to believe that 3 years have passed & against all odds the refuge is alive and well.  as we celebrate what God has done and what we hope for in our future, take a look at this powerful clip that we think is the best picture of not just the refuge community but the upside down ways of the kingdom of God, beauty & glory in the least likely of places.

·         check it out here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

what does this stir up in you?

Posted in hope, identity, the refuge | 2 Comments »

KEVIN - the counselor

Monday, March 30th, 2009

holy spirit stained glassIf you are like me at some point you may have wondered what it was like to be in that upper room with Jesus and his disciples.

When I was living in India I would love to contemplate these things when sitting in a room in the city during a power outage, no fan - just the infrequent breeze cooling my sweat, the room illuminated by candle lights. A myriad of noises coming from outside as folks went about their business. The different smells wafting in from street vendors, mingled with other smells that were not quite so savory. Or I would be in a mud hut in the jungle, contemplating the upper room with the shadows flittering around as the flame of a lamp moved with the breeze. Noises filtering in that I could not recognize that gave me a little uneasy feeling and fanned the flame of fear within me.

I think the upper room must have been a place of differing and complex emotions. In the darkness, noises can bring fear, uncertainty and the unknown. With the folks in the upper room that must have been heightened as they knew the establishment of the day did not want them around and was trying to silence Jesus. The possibility of guards crashing through the door, just like many people around the world today who still occupy similar rooms knowing that the authorities want to get them and silence them.

The people with Jesus in that room must have been very thoughtful. One of those thoughts would have been the hope or expectation that Jesus was possibly going to announce his kingship and raise a call to arms for his followers and the people of the city to seize control of the government. The hope of bringing in a new Kingdom.

I think this upper room was charged with atmosphere. The pictures that I am often shown are of a nice quaint controlled scenario. But where there is emotion there is uncertainty, people on the edge of their seats, unsettled, tense, not too sure what will happen next. Jesus had already told them that someone in their midst was a traitor. What a charged environment!

However, at this point Jesus says I am going away!!!! What a let down that must have been. Talk about sowing confusion and fear. Come on this is supposed to be his time. Then he says that he’s not going to leave them as orphans but will give them a counselor! I think I would have rather had Jesus.

In our little community we were recently looking at this space in time and at the way Jesus comforted and encouraged his people in this depressed period of their lives. He tells them he will give them a counselor, one who will lead them into all truth. If I was them that would not seem to be a good swap. Jesus was supposed to be the truth - why have something else when you can have the real thing? I wonder how encouraged and supported they would have felt.

As people we often desire for that charismatic figure to do the work for us or to physically lead us while we appear in the background. I don’t believe God is into that. Rather I think he wants us to journey on a pathway of personal, emotional and spiritual growth. To be able to personally make use of that blessing and to be a blessing to the community we are part of. To be like Christ rather than have Christ and or others do it all for us.

I think that by giving us the counselor who leads us into all truth God helps us to grow as people. Listening to the counselor helps develop depth in our lives, that depth or as God calls it fruit; is love, joy, peace, patience, faithfulness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness & self control. Against these sorts of things there is no law.

This counselor doesn’t come in the nice comfortable times of our lives but is there for the untidy, painful times, the times when we screw up. Counselors are to help us follow a path through the challenges, pains and difficulties of life and help us understand or develop through them not so we stay comfortable and safe. God’s dream is not the American, European or any earthly community’s dream. It is a reality of community, justice & love. The counselor asked for by Jesus is one that gives us the intimate words of Jesus and the Father and helps us live in that intimate relationship.

Our little Refuge community has many places that it gathers and one gathering takes place on Monday night. Recently this community spent the night simply praying a blessing for each other. We gathered in a circle, some sitting and others standing by them. Those standing gently placed hands on their shoulders, and after a while we changed places. We sought the wisdom of the Holy Spirit to help us encourage and empower each other. There were different emotions and uncertainties around the circle. People were in different places in their journey. However, at the end of the time it was amazing how words shared by friends under the guiding influence of the counselor had built us up in who we are and in the hope of who we can become.

After we did this we read a short statement that the group had developed and that emphasized our commitment to each other. This statement was put together one night by thirteen different people. Normally it is difficult to get two people to agree one statement. However, on this occasion each person shared a short phrase or sentence and they were collated just as they were. The result continually surprises us. On this night as we read it the words placed another layer of grace and love over our time as we sensed an even deeper encouragement from the counselor, and the words reiterated the whole process we had just undertaken.

Our statement goes as follows.

We come here to be the beloved community, to grow deeper and more centered in Christ as we explore life-forming practices.

We seek to change our image of the Father so that we may view God as Jesus did, as daddy. For Jesus said “… I will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them….”

We desire to be joined to Jesus’ heart. That we may fear God and know what that fear is, comprehend it and acknowledge it. That we may proceed forward in faith and hope, with new hearts similar to that of King David’s.

Knowing God in a deeper and fuller way, trusting God, hearing God & seeing Jesus in others around us. For Jesus said “….. Whatever you have done for a brother, however humble, you have done for me…”

We encourage each other to tell our truth to God as we may remember it and allow that to be a place of safety and honesty. God will meet us there and enable us to grow into and live out the fullness of Christ.

We commit to supporting one another’s faith journey, lifting each other up in prayer, tonight and through the week, listening intently without judgment and being generous with love, kindness and an open heart.

In the highly charged emotional upper room of my mind the Holy Spirit comes to bring counsel, intimate love and truth. May it be so for you as well.

Posted in God's love, body of Christ, houses of refuge, identity | No Comments »

IRENE – What I Learned on the Bus

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

 

busI recently started a new job in downtown Denver.  A friend suggested I take the bus.  I have been spoiled by my warm cozy music filled drive to and fro so it never occurred to me to take ‘the bus.’   Somehow I felt that taking the bus was a measure of my success…if I had to take the bus I wasn’t doing too well.   However after receiving my first paycheck, I realized it was time to give up my pride and start looking at life in reality versus the illusion I had created that I was better somehow.   I started to take the bus and it has been a blessing.   I’ve met the nicest people,  I don’t have to drive on 36 and I-25, I save money on gas and parking, I watch the sunrises and sunsets, I read, listen to music…I gave up my  pride and received an amazing blessing!

This small change has led me to reflect on what other areas in my life have not progressed because I have held onto  pride.  What have I missed out on because I didn’t  consider ‘what if I respond in a new way,  make a new choice”?   What if I forgive, have mercy, forget the past and look forward….instead of holding on so tightly to my way?

I think about Peter the Apostle and what his consequences were because of Pride.  He was broken and broken and broken until he finally came to a place of surrender.  He ultimately came to a place of the greatest love of all–Jesus–but he had to go through the hell of his making because of his ‘ego’, his ‘pride’, his control! 

As I look back on my life, now living half of it,  and think about how many times I chose pride over surrender,   I wonder if I had taken the path of surrender to God’s direction, leading, love, what my life would look like today?

Because of pride I lost a 25 year marriage.   My pride stopped me from getting the counseling I needed for dysfunctional behaviors growing up in an alcoholic family.    After a hard divorce and a two year rebound relationship I finally went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholic meeting.    The false image of myself was not working anymore and I was causing harm to myself and others when all I wanted was to give and receive love.  Through the years my pride held me back from seeking the support I needed from others and community.  I thought I could do it alone, be self sufficient  and I did not ask for help because I didn’t want to appear weak.   Pride in my life has led to judgment and prejudice!   

 God is now showing me that humility, love and honesty are the loving ways to the abundant life I long for in my heart.  Thomas  Merton says it well, 

 In humility is the greatest freedom.  As long as you have to defend the imaginary self that you think is important, you lose your peace of heart.  As soon as you compare that shadow with the shadows of other people, you lose all joy, because you have begun to trade in unrealities, and there is no joy in things that do not exist.  When humility delivers a man from attachment  to his own works and his own reputation, he discovers that perfect joy is possible only when he has completely forgotten himself.  And it is only when we pay no more attention to our own deeds and our own reputation and our own excellence that we are at last completely free to serve God in perfection for His own sake alone.

My pride has also kept me stuck in my past.   If I keep looking at the past and what I should have done or what I have lost, I will continue to stay stuck.   I believe God has heard the prayer of my heart for change and He is gradually bringing  me to  the simpler, humble life.   I make less money, have less material things, and less of many worldly things.  I believe Jesus is bringing me to His truth–His secret to joy – living with Him in simplicity and freedom.  He is calling me to cast my burdens on Him and rest.   I am learning that when all is taken away I come to the crossroads:  to take the path of rehashing the past, doing life my way or to see the glimmer of light, the eye of God in the clouds, saying “can’t you see I am showing you what you have been praying for….peace, joy, freedom.”    Being stripped gradually of worldly support systems is showing me what Jesus meant when he said “to die to your old self and become new so the walls are removed and  we can truly love each other” so I can love the Lord with all my heart, mind and soul and truly love my neighbor.    Jesus is transforming my heart to respond in a new way.    He is knocking down the walls of pride in me .  

Each day I have a choice….. to choose acceptance rather than blaming;  love instead of  rejection; friends and community instead of sadness and isolation; mercy, compassion and forgiveness rather than anger and resentment.   I desire Jesus ‘way!

I am learning that I am not on earth to serve myself but to serve God and when I do everything works.  I have to trust and not cling to things but cling to God and let go in faith.  

Thank you Jesus for your patience and love.  I  love you.  Thank you for what i am learning on the bus.  

 

Posted in body of Christ, community, healing, identity | 5 Comments »

DREW - O Prisoners of Hope

Monday, January 19th, 2009

light at the top of stairsI have had the pleasure of sharing my life over the last 2 years with some very special people who have touched my heart and my life in so many ways.  As I begin to write I write with them in mind and the tremendous amount of hope that they have given me over these last two years and the courage to finish a race that at times simply seems to daunting and confusing to continue to run.  It’s their own stories of hope and love that spurs me on.  If you are reading this blog you are most likely one of those people or connected to us in some manner as the Body of Christ, thank you.

When I was asked to write about hope it didn’t take long before Zechariah 9:12 ran through my head.  I don’t mean to imply that I might be a biblical scholar with an extensive liturgical scholarship in theology because I am far from that and trust me that is a good thing for your sake and I am convinced for mine as well, however, I did ask the Holy Spirit why he or she reminded me of a verse that was likely drilled into my head by a earthly father with every good intention that his son might know love of God.  So let me share a little bit with you about what the Holy Spirit has shared with me and then we can let the games begin.

So you can get the context:

“11 As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you, I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit. 12 Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. 13 I will bend Judah as I bend my bow and fill it with Ephraim.  I will rouse your sons, O Zion, against your sons, O Greece, and make you like a warrior’s sword.” Zechariah 9:11-13 (NIV)

I love these verses partially because I am a sucker for poetry but beyond the beautifully written word and poetic prose lies a deeper meaning that stirs the ancient areas of my heart.  Zechariah was one of the minor prophets and it is no wonder that he used the phrase “O prisoners of hope.” His ministry to the nation of Israel was during their exile back from Babylonian captivity to rebuild Israel and the temple that the Babylonians had destroyed.  It’s no wonder that the meaning behind his name meant “The Lord Remembers”. How appropriate that The Lord (Yahweh) is the the covenant name of God and is an everlasting testimony of faithfulness to his children whom he never forgets and always Remembers.  Zechariah along with his fellow countrymen have lived in the confines of the Babylonian Empire under the leadership of Nebuchadnezzar forced to worship false gods. Later the Israelites were released to freedom and back to their homeland after Cyrus the Great of Persia conquers the Babylonians and then on top of it all he writes a decree to allow them to live out their faith in freedom and rebuild the temple.  Cyrus encouraged them to proceed and so they started to establish the foundation of the new temple and it seemed like everything was going great and then all of the sudden the Samaritans want to get involved in the building process and the Israelites told them to butt out. Well, the long and short of it was the Samaritans got their feelings hurt and their panties all in a wad and started spreading lies about the possible Israelite rebellion that would result due to the resurrection of the temple.  The powers to be got wind of this and shut it down.  I can only imagine the disappointment that the Israelites felt at this point in time.  They had endured years of abuse in a foreign land under the rule of a crazy man and then they were finally set free to go back to their promise land and permitted to worship their God in freedom. Began to rebuild the temple and someone falsely pulls the carpet out from underneath them.  I think I would have felt like giving up too!  Then hear comes Zechariah proclaiming the voice of God and sowing seeds of hope among the destitute and broken-hearted not only that the temple would be re-built but that their Savior was coming soon and that he would redeem all that they had lost and return it to them two fold.

As I was reading this I was thinking Zechariah had a hell of a job trying to sow seeds of hope to a distraught and destitute nation and all by his lonesome –how did he have the strength to do this?  Well he wasn’t alone. He had a friend and confidant in Haggai, another minor prophet who had seen the actual destruction of the first temple all the way through to the present time.  I’m sure they both leaned on one another in so many different ways and encouraged and exhorted one another to help see their countrymen to the end of this struggle to rebuild their temple so that they could worship their true Father in freedom.  Any time there is a one and another ‘one another’ there is community and community is where hope thrives and somehow there always seems to be enough hope to see us through.  When I think about the temple that the Israelites rebuilt I think about our hearts and the rebuilding that goes on daily.  The Israelites finally rebuilt the Temple the temple in 516 BC. Construction of a new temple was begun in 537 BC; after a hiatus, work resumed 520 BC, with completion occurring in 516 BC and dedication in 515.  If you remember from earlier the rebuilding of the Temple was authorized by Cyrus the Great and ratified by Darius the Great. God’s faithfulness and the community that surrounds us gives us hope that one day freedom might be restored.  Even though we experience restoration in portions of our hearts, just like the Israelites did with the temple, doesn’t mean we are exempt from pain and suffering, in fact, Christ said we would continue to experience trouble (John 16:33) and that suffering that results from the trouble that we experience teaches us to love more deeply, and through that love we give others hope to take one more step.  That’s not the end of the story nor the end of what Zechariah wrote to the Israelites.  In 70 A.D. the Romans destroyed the temple a second time and to this day the Jews are hoping that it will be restored once again when the Messiah returns.  Zechariah 14 is the prophecy concerning the second coming of Christ and the final restoration of the temple.  Pretty cool story. I tried to tell it as I understood it and I hope it leaves you encouraged.

Finally I will end by sharing with you something that happened to me in the fall of ‘08.  I have struggled with SA since I was a young kid and the last several years God has surrounded me with a great community of people both men and woman who have loved me and created a safe place for my heart to heal.  I suffered the consequences of a lost marriage and as I have grown and healed over the years the prospect of dating has come up.  I certainly keep hoping that one day I might be able to remarry and have a family. It’s a deep desire that I have had to put on hold for a long time, but now that I’m here I still hear the lies that tell me that I am damaged goods and that I could never love or be loved enough to sustain a relationship so I remain stagnate. It has been a difficult transition for me and probably one of the scariest things that I have faced most recently. This last Fall I relapsed. Usually when that happens I isolate and hide, but this particular night I decided to do something different and it snowballed into something more than I would have imagined –something redemptive.  I decided to go to the Refuge. They were having a dinner that night so I kind of hung out in the foyer trying to be as discreet as I possibly could and I am really good at that, trust me.  As I hung out and watched people getting their dinners and sitting around fellowshiping I saw this peculiar older gentleman walking around in what looked like fatigues and a mohawk with all kinds of cool earrings and tattoos.    It definitely got my attention, but then again the Refuge is a melting pot of everything and everybody that’s what makes it so good.  I just thought to myself it must be a new guy and continued to people watch.  About 5 minuets later Kathy got up and started to introduced a friend of hers that she and Karl had met up in the NW and then asked him to come up and share a little bit about himself.  It was the new guy I saw.  I thought to myself “this should be interesting cause you never know who Kathy’s going to bring even though it’s usually always good” and just by his looks alone he seemed like a helluva character. I was intrigued to say the least.  Well he got up and no kidding he said the following,” Hello, my name is Ken and I have 22 days of sobriety from alcoholism……”  I lost it inside I started to tear up and the feelings of loneliness and shame slid right off my back.  Under my breath I said thanks Ken, I only have 30 minutes but I know I’m not alone any more.  I can’t really describe to you the rest because it would take too long and I don’t know that I could put words to it that would do it any justice, but I did get a chance to talk to him a couple of days later and found out he had a heart bigger that the state of Texas and a huge burden for the homeless.  Earlier that evening his wife Deborah shared with the group and I was blown away by the fact that she had stayed with Ken all those years even though he had struggled with his addiction for so long.  You see I have always bought the lie of perfection: kick the addiction then you will be acceptable enough, otherwise you’re just damaged goods that nobody wants.  That was clearly not the case and Deborah and Ken were living proof that challenged the lie that I had lived with for so long.  I’m generally a pretty private person and a little bashful with people I have never talked to before, but I felt a deep need to thank Deborah for loving Ken despite his battle with alcoholism, and I’m not sure how this works but by loving Ken she loved me and gave me hope that one day I might be married and loved for Drew, the good the bad and the ugly, and not for my goodness alone.  Later I spoke to Deborah and told her what I had shared with Ken about my journey and what she had done for me by loving Ken and how much it meant to me.  She smiled and thanked me and said that no one had ever told her that before then she gave me a hug and said she was hopeful that someone special would come into my life soon.  I wrote Ken later because I wanted to share with him a quote that I had found that I thought represented their love for one another….

Any way here is the note I wrote:

Ken,
How are you doing? I wanted to write you and Deborah and thank you for your time spent with us here in Colorado. I enjoyed talking with you Thursday night and wanted to let you know that you really spoke to my heart and give me hope. I looked up the quote from CS Lewis that Deborah gave during her talk and found that it came from a Sermon that he gave in 1941 called “The Weight of Glory”. I love CS Lewis and have enjoyed reading his works when I can keep up with him sometimes his thought are quite deep and it’s a daunting task to understand what he’s exactly trying to communicate, but he always has some amazing insight. I came across another quote the other day and thought of both you. I hope it is a blessing to you as you continue to be a blessing to so many others. I’ll keep you both in my prayers, take care.

“Loving all of it even while he had to hate some of it because he knows now that you don’t love because: you love despite; not for the virtues, but despite the faults.” -William Faulkner

With Love, Drew

I love Ken and Deborah and I love the body of Christ.  It’s amazing the amount of hope there is when we love despite. It’s the message God gave Zechariah in 520 BC and it the same today. God bless you and when things go south try to remember you’re loved, O prisoner of hope…

Posted in God's love, body of Christ, community, healing, hope, identity, the refuge | 5 Comments »

reflecting forward - an evening of creativity

Monday, January 5th, 2009

hopes for the new year collagethis past saturday night at our weekend place of refuge gathering at the grange we facilitated a creative experience to help reflect and dream about this upcoming year. it was a beautiful evening, so many different expressions of hope for the journey. here are some of the questions we used to guide the exercise:

what words describe ‘08 for you?

in your journey this past year what are some of the encouragements that have given you joy?

what name would you like to give this new year’s journey?

as you stand on the threshold of 2009 how would you express the fears, excitement and hope you have?

what is your greatest desire for this coming year?

download the entire reflection sheet here.

here are some more snapshots from the evening:

may this kind of corporate creativity continue to be nurtured in 2009!

Posted in arts, community, dreams, identity, the refuge | 1 Comment »

graffiti art!

Monday, June 30th, 2008

graffiti wall

a few saturdays ago the refuge hosted a graffiti art workshop at joshua station, our friends near downtown denver who provide transformational housing for struggling families. it was a perfect spot for our gathering and sam trujillo, who works for milehigh ministries (the umbrella organization for joshua station), did an amazing job facilitating a wild and crazy afternoon. we had 30 participants, about 1/2 from the refuge, 1/2 from joshua station, with a wide range of ages (from 8 to 69 years old!) and backgrounds (the best part). the common thread that wove us together was a desire to express ourselves in ways that some of us aren’t used to, to connect with our artistic side, our story. sam used a great combination of videos, conversation, and all kinds of mediums to help people connect. one tool he used was a template for an “i am” poem that people could use to add to their piece. you can check out the template here if you want to give it a try on your own.

you can check out a gallery of pictures from the afternoon here

and some other blog posts with some highlights: here and here

we definitely hope to offer more experiences like this in the future so people of all ages, backgrounds & spiritual journeys can have an opportunity to express themselves through art. thanks, sam!

Posted in community, identity, kathy, the refuge | 2 Comments »

identity prayer

Monday, May 19th, 2008

i am

this is a prayer written by christa romig-leavitt that was read with 3 readers to close our “i am” series of sunday conversations about our identity in Christ. hearing it powerfully spoken with different voices can’t be recreated but we wanted to share it here as a prayer for anybody listening in.

Oh God,

The most high, the loveliest, the creator of creation.

Have you created me in your image?

Do I look like you?

Do I have your mouth?

Give me your mouth, that I may speak your words and breath your breath

Do I have your eyes?

Give me your eyes, To see you in all others and look with love into all other eyes

I hope I have your hands,

To hug and hold.

To work and plant seeds of joy and peace.

To plant food to feed the hungry

To plant trees to shelter the homeless

I want to look like you God…

because…

I want to be your child.

I think I am your child.

Am I your aroma?

Am I your daughter?

Am I your son?

Am I a treasure?

Am I your bride?

Do you think me that beautiful? That you could love me forever?

Help me trust

Learn

Know

That you have vowed to make me your bride

Help me be a bride to you. Loving you all my days and wanting you in all ways.

Help me remember that I am wanted.

I am wanted.

I am wanted. Because…

You want me.

And that means that I am

worthylovableamazing

The crazy thoughts in my head donʼt matter.

The flab under my arms donʼt matter.

The confusion in my heart donʼt matter.

Because

I am a child of God. Birthed by love.

Oh God,

Father Mother

Thank you for my self. This very self inside and out that you have made me and given me.

Help me to love you as no one has ever loved you.

Help me to love others as no one has ever loved them.

Help me to be you as fully as I can. Because

You are my God.

I am your Child.

Posted in christa, identity | 2 Comments »