The picture here shows a bundle of “flowering” tea leaves. Tea is a term we use loosely to refer to any aromatic beverage made by steeping dried botanicals, but the long journey of real tea starts as the seed from a tropical evergreen called the Chinese Camilla. First, it is planted in a hot climate, at high elevation, in acidic soil. For a time, it’s given plenty of nutrients and rain. As it matures, it’s not allowed to grow into a tree, instead it’s cultivated and pruned so that it stays a manageable height. Then, just the top couple inches of leaves are plucked, and processed in a variety of ways that may include withering, drying, heating, crushing, bruising, breaking and oxidizing. Later, the leaves may be scented with Jasmine, flavored with fruit infusions, or blended to achieve particular characteristics. Then, it may be left loose or bound, bagged, boxed, and stored where it may be a long time before they get used. Finally, scalding hot water is poured over it and left to sit a while, leaving the tea to ponder all that it used to be and wonder, how exactly did I get here?
My journey has also been an interesting one. I was born in Hollywood, CA when my mom was young and unmarried. She claims she knew right away that I was going to be one of the most wonderful people on the planet. At the time, my biological father was not ready for all that, so my mom and I lived with my grandmother.
Before I can remember, my mom moved out to get a job in LA and my grandmother and I moved to Ventura (couple hours north.) I was sent to a Catholic school because my grandmother was raised Catholic, though she seemed more committed to my getting a good education, than to the faith itself. My mom got married when I was 7 and had my sister Lillee right away. Since they were both working and juggling childcare, I stayed with my grandmother, visited the parents on some weekends, and all 4 of my moms sisters helped with raising me. In many ways, I flourished.
When I was 11, my world changed. Though they said the choice was mine, I was essentially plucked out of the world I knew and taken to a very hot, dry place. You see, my parents were given the opportunity to move with their company to Phoenix, AZ and wanted me to come with them. I was excited for a new adventure and the thought of having a traditional, nuclear family appealed to me, but life was very different. I suddenly had new house rules, a very strict father figure who is only 13 years older than me, and soon there were 3 little sisters to take responsibility for. Not only that, I was attending public school and we didn’t even go to church! Though I was free from many of the religious rigors I had felt weighed down by in Catholic school, I often felt crushed under the pressure to be the perfect child.
By the time I went to college, I had a nagging feeling that I was missing something spiritually. I got involved in Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship and met some great people that helped me investigate faith, but it took me a while to commit to it. I had a lot of doubts and questions. I also had this cute boyfriend who very wonderful and very agnostic, and he challenged and questioned my every step of faith. Eventually, my heart was changed by seeing God work miraculously in and through people who loved the poor and loved their enemies and trusted in things unseen. This led me to feel convicted not to marry someone who was not on the same page spiritually, so I dumped my boyfriend after 4.5 years. That left both our hearts feeling rather bruised and broken. Despite the emotional drama, I managed to graduate with honors in Environmental Engineering from Northern Arizona University. Later, he came to faith on his own terms and we’ve now been married for almost 11 years!
Early in our marriage, we followed his job out to Boston and joined a Vineyard church. I worked as an engineer for a while, but it was not a good fit for me so I left to work with a computer-training ministry to the underprivileged. Our faith and relationships were growing and fruitful.
After about 4 years, we moved to Chicago to live with my husband’s parents and save money. I must admit I have been blessed with fantastic in-laws and we loved the time that we spent with them. I worked as an accounting assisting with Northwestern University, which I could bike to from their house. We tried the mega-church thing for a while there and grew in our understanding of service and using our gifts for God.
After 2 years there, we followed my husband’s job out to Colorado and bought our first home. We now have two adorable girls and I get to stay home with them. We are also an integral part of this church community called The Refuge. We go to a multi-generational small group, plus I host a mom’s small group. I’m also part of a MOPS group where I’m on the steering team and participate in a Bible Study.
You’d think that with all this spiritual nourishment, I’d be growing and fruitful, but though these things address my needs for social involvement and personal validation, in all honesty I’m feeling really spiritually withered and I sometimes wonder, “how exactly did I get here?”
- I used to spend hours doing inductive Bible studies, using a concordance and color-coding themes, now I’m lucky to complete a single chapter from a Bible study guide once a month
- I used to have long, theological discussions with friends, now I occasionally read Bible stories to the kids
- I used to practice intercessory prayer, now I rarely have the opportunity to pray out loud, and when I do, I often choose not to
- I used to go on missions trips and feed the hungry, now I might make a dinner for a friend who just had a baby
- I used to pray with my husband before we went to sleep, now we’re so exhausted we often don’t to anything before sleep
- I used to keep a prayer journal, recording what God was doing in my life, now I have journals, scrapbooks, a blog and a facebook account, and none of them are up to date
- In addition to all this spiritual dryness, I perpetually feel like I’m not a good enough mom, or wife, or friend, and I have no idea how I’ll ever have a career again
When I look at the flowering tea pictured here, I think about all that it has been through, and how it finally comes into its true purpose. It has turned plain water into an aromatic and delicious liquid with cardiovascular and antioxidant health benefits. I am reminded that it is my whole journey, not just my successes or failures, which make me who I am. I know that I am a treasured child of the most high God, and he has plans to use my life, my history, and my challenges to flavor and bless the world around me. I just need to allow myself to be used by him, to open myself up to trials and risks that may seems scalding at the time, but will cause me to bloom in ways I never expected. In this season of my life, I may feel as though my spiritual life has been shelved and I’m not living up to my potential; but I suspect that I’m not the only mother of young children that feels this way. And maybe the best way I can bless the world around me in this season is to let other people know that they’re not alone either.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (New International Version)
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in us (our body).
To watch a demonstration of flowering tea, check out:
the refuge is 3 years old! it’s hard to believe that 3 years have passed & against all odds the refuge is alive and well. as we celebrate what God has done and what we hope for in our future, take a look at this powerful clip that we think is the best picture of not just the refuge community but the upside down ways of the kingdom of God, beauty & glory in the least likely of places.
If you are like me at some point you may have wondered what it was like to be in that upper room with Jesus and his disciples.
I recently started a new job in downtown Denver. A friend suggested I take the bus. I have been spoiled by my warm cozy music filled drive to and fro so it never occurred to me to take ‘the bus.’ Somehow I felt that taking the bus was a measure of my success…if I had to take the bus I wasn’t doing too well. However after receiving my first paycheck, I realized it was time to give up my pride and start looking at life in reality versus the illusion I had created that I was better somehow. I started to take the bus and it has been a blessing. I’ve met the nicest people, I don’t have to drive on 36 and I-25, I save money on gas and parking, I watch the sunrises and sunsets, I read, listen to music…I gave up my pride and received an amazing blessing!
I have had the pleasure of sharing my life over the last 2 years with some very special people who have touched my heart and my life in so many ways. As I begin to write I write with them in mind and the tremendous amount of hope that they have given me over these last two years and the courage to finish a race that at times simply seems to daunting and confusing to continue to run. It’s their own stories of hope and love that spurs me on. If you are reading this blog you are most likely one of those people or connected to us in some manner as the Body of Christ, thank you.
this past saturday night at our weekend place of refuge gathering at the grange we facilitated a creative experience to help reflect and dream about this upcoming year. it was a beautiful evening, so many different expressions of hope for the journey. here are some of the questions we used to guide the exercise:
