Archive for the ‘healing’ Category

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

dreams

Sunday, October 7th, 2007


we have a dream…
it’s not a small one.
it’s not a huge one (we’re not planning to lead any marches anytime soon)
we think it’s a simple one.

and despite our cynicism about ‘church’ (yes, we know it seeps through!) we are idealists. we wouldn’t be doing this if we had given up.

we are still “foolish” enough to think some of our dreams are possible. we think when Jesus said “your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” he meant that the Kingdom was possible now.

here are a few of our dreams…

we have a dream that we’d be people who took Jesus word’s seriously. this means we don’t get to just talk about it, we actually have to be forgiving, loving, sacrificing, humble. we need to be people willing to give away our stuff, care for the widows and orphans, die to ourself, hug lepers, lay down power, and make peace with our enemies.

we have a dream that all people would be valued. when we look at each other we don’t let color, socioeconomics, gender, theologies, shapes or sizes or social abilities get in the way of seeing the image of God and respecting each other’s worth, value & contribution to this world.

we have a dream that no single parent would feel like they were parenting alone. they’d have other people willing to fill in the gaps, pick up the slack, offer help, prayer, and love so it’s not so damn hard.

we have a dream that no one would feel crippled by their weaknesses. the damage from the past & present would not paralyze us from living out who God made us to be, instead, we’d use our story to help another person.

we have a dream that we’d know our neighbors. actually know them, and notice if they’re hungry or sad or lonely and do something about it if we can.

we have a dream that every child had grownups other than their parents who believed in them. we’d see all that was possible, and cheer them on in really tangible ways.

we have a dream that people of Jesus would be known for the acts of Jesus. when people hear the word “Christian” they did not cringe and immediately think “judgemental”. instead, they’d have warm feelings that were associated with the truth of Christ’s love & kindness because they experienced it from one of us at some point and couldn’t escape its power.

we have a dream that we’d be advocates. we will stand with the marginalized, oppressed, poor & unlovely, that we’d risk our pride. position, and power so that someone with none could get a little.

we have a dream that walls between churches & the community would crumble. walls that have been built because of fear and past ugly experiences would dissolve. that we’d learn to share resources, support each other & let care for human beings supersede our politics & theologies.

we have a dream that every person would feel known, loved & cared for by another human being. that we’d do our little part to help banish loneliness.

we have a dream that we’d be a community of dreamers. what are some of yours?

Posted in church stuff, dreams, equality, healing, social justice, the refuge, theology | 6 Comments »

KATHY - we’re in good company

Tuesday, September 25th, 2007


when you think of mother teresa, what words come to mind? for me, i think of “poured out, deeply connected to God, amazingly humble, willing heart, in love with Jesus, filled up. sacrificial love” among many others. i am pretty sure “doubter of God”, “overwhelmed with emptiness”, or “tired of never getting His help the way she wanted” were not words i would have used to describe her. it’s sort of old news, but the recent release of mother teresa’s private letters has been rumbling around Christian & nonChristian circles in the past few months. I heard the story earlier this year, that during her decades of ministry she only had a few good weeks where she really felt it. the rest of her journey she didn’t feel God the way she longed to and experienced deep spiritual dryness that was agonizing.

here are some of the things she said to a trusted confidante:

“The more I want him — the less I am wanted”…..”Such deep longing for God — and … repulsed — empty — no faith — no love — no zeal. — [The saving of] Souls holds no attraction — Heaven means nothing — pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.”

and in some private letters to Jesus:

Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me?….The Child of your Love — and now become as the most hated one — the one — You have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want — and there is no One to answer — no One on Whom I can cling — no, No One. — Alone … Where is my Faith — even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness — My God — how painful is this unknown pain — I have no Faith — I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart — & make me suffer untold agony. So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them — because of the blasphemy — If there be God — please forgive me — When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven — there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. — I am told God loves me — and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart?

the question is, does this comfort you or freak you out? i think for me, it’s a combination of both. it is so comforting to know that i am not alone in the darkness, that someone far more spiritual & powerful & poured out for God than me doubted just as much (maybe even more!) than I sometimes do. when i doubt, which is often, i hear this ugly little voice in my head that says “you loser, you have been a Christian for a long time and look where it’s gotten you. if you had more faith, you wouldn’t be in such a crappy spot. if you just bore down on the scriptures & started praying harder you wouldn’t be here to begin with. you must be doing something wrong to feel so disconnected from God. what do you need to confess or pray against so the bad feeling will go away?” i could go on and on, it’s all a little psycho inside my head when this starts to happen. i think if most of us are honest, we all have these sorts of thoughts to one degree or another (i think those of us who were trained in the evangelical-think-truth-and-then-it-will-become-your-reality strains have a greater degree of shame when we doubt). or maybe i’m the only one and you are all saying behind my back “what is kathy’s problem?” (yeah, that’s my next psycho thought after the first round…)

what is interesting to me about mother teresa, one of the most revered and beloved spiritual women of this century, is that she didn’t share these thoughts publically. they were in private letters. her interior world and her outside persona were two different things. i understand and respect her dilemma, and we do not have to go around sharing all of our private moments with God with everyone we meet. at the same time, it made me wonder why she was afraid to be more honest in public—would her ministry have been questioned? would she get reprimanded by the powers that be above her and encouraged to get her spiritual act together fast? would she have lost some of her following? i have no idea and because she’s so revered i feel a little guilty even questioning any of her motives, but i guess i am just questioning why her outside & inside had to look so different?

the heartbeat of the refuge is real authenticity, our outside & our inside being integrated. that means we say some of the crazy things rattling around in our head which can sometimes be quite unsettling. and we do this even though we are pretty certain that people (especially Christians) like positives! what sells are results—10 steps to this and 8 simple ways to that. the power of positive thinking, praying, living, eating, you name it. all of these things will get you reconnected to God in no time. no one likes to focus on the negative. i don’t, either. but i do like to focus on the truth. and the truth is that sometimes i am mad, tired, and wondering when-the-hell-i-am-going-to-hear-from-God-so-i-can-feel-better. and despite my doubts, i do believe Jesus came to bring us life, real life, a depth & fulfillment in ways that are sometimes so unexplainable. but i am trying to learn to embrace that real life, real relationship doesn’t mean that i never doubt, wonder, question, get angry, or feel like walking away. in fact, ingredients of real intimacy with God (and people) include all of those things. what i like about mother teresa’s journey is that even though she doubted, questioned, shook her fist, cried out, and sometimes wanted to walk away she did actually stay in. she kept pouring her heart out to God and lived out her passion for the poor & unloved as best she could. she didn’t lay down and die. she didn’t disconnect from life & community completely. she didn’t run the other way. she stayed in.

at the refuge, sometimes it is so clear that life gets harder than we hoped. we long for the easy road, some kind of escape, a short cut, some way to feel better quick. i believe wholeheartedly that Jesus and the crazy unexplainable movement of his spirit in our lives is the answer. but i guess i am reminded today that it doesn’t come quick, it doesn’t come easy and we are in good company with the saints when we doubt, question, and aren’t feeling him like we so desperately long for. i guess what i hope for me—and for all of us—is that we keep staying in.

Posted in healing, kathy, spiritual formation | 4 Comments »

high degree of grace required

Monday, July 30th, 2007


planting a church is hard. planting a church that is committed to trying wacky things is harder. planting a church that is committed to being safe for wacky people (as in every human being, when we’re really honest) is even harder. the reason we have chosen the harder path is that we believe simply and firmly in grace. not theoretical grace. not grace when it works in our favor. not grace that is just a nice Christian word. to us, grace means cutting each other a lot of slack, offering a ton of mercy and understanding instead of judgement. we’re not saying that there’s not a lot of grace offered out there in the wider Christian community. of course there is, but in the average church there’s not a ton of need for a lot of it to be dispensed. really, people’s craziness isn’t rubbing against each other too much. you sit, you listen, you pass out bulletins, you go home. you might need to give grace to the guy that stole your parking spot or the person that decided to talk to his wife during the worship in front of you, but the truth is that for the most part, real grace isn’t necessary.

but what happens when you really share your lives together in community? show up on sunday, open the floor and give room for comments and thoughts from all over the place? what happens when even the people in “leadership” don’t hide and say their crazy thoughts out loud? what happens when there’s not a program to hide behind but just this raw, real authentic entrance into the messiness of life? what happens when you don’t let only pros sing and play? what happens when people feel safe enough to share really deep things out loud? here’s our guess: some of us want to run for the hills as fast as we can!

why, because we begin to realize “this kind of place requires a high degree of grace and i’m not sure i have it to give.” we totally understand this dilemma. we know how much easier it would be if some great speaker or singer stood up front and put on a great, inspirational show that would make everyone love us and think we were the greatest thing since sliced bread and everyone could go home feeling jolly. but we know we can do that week after week without ever really living in community together. and Jesus’ design for the Body of Christ was real community not “going to church.”

real community requires an incredible amount of grace. it means seeing beyond the moment into the bigger picture. it is realizing that God is at work in people’s lives even when we can’t see it. it demands cutting each other slack. it asks people to supersede selfish comfort. it means we give the person next to us a break and then the next time they give us one, too. it means recognizing that everyone isn’t the same and seeing the power and value of diversity. it means loving unconditionally, not just when it feels good or people “do what we wish they would do”.

our ability to give grace has probably increased over the past 15 months we have been together, but to be honest, we suck at receiving it. so here goes—we are going to ask for it directly. the refuge needs continued grace. we need continued grace. we are just doing the best we can for the given moment and it is harder than you can imagine to not give up and throw in the towel. we must fight to be a place that can give & receive grace. it must work two ways—we can’t expect others to give it to us in a moment and then the next minute turn around and be unwilling to give it. we believe wholeheartedly that the ways that God conforms us to his image is in relationship with each other—what better place, then, to learn Jesus’ ways of kindness, sacrifice, love, forgiveness, humility, and yes, grace than in a community of people who are choosing to learn a better way of living. but, there’s no doubt, the cost is pretty high—it’s brutally hard. it will require us to get in touch with our selfish, judgmental ways, and it takes a ton of time. not super appealing on the surface, but Jesus was never about the surface. it was always about something deeper.

we honestly think that Jesus is calling us all to grace and we’re a little bit afraid of it….what are your thoughts?

Posted in church stuff, community, healing, the refuge | 2 Comments »

MIKE - prince charming & beauty

Monday, July 23rd, 2007


a while ago at the changes that heal house of refuge we discussed the metaphor of the 6 million dollar man and the tin man. one is the ideal that we all aspire to be while the other is dented, rusty and looking for his heart, his real self. we asked the questions: who do we want to be? who are we? which is more real and lovable?

recently i saw shrek 3. a cute flick about two ogres (shrek and fiona) and their battle to save “the land of happily ever after” from prince charming, sleeping beauty, cinderella and all our other fairy tale favorites. fiona is pregnant and shrek is wishing he could be more lovable and bemoaning the fact that he will be a poor father because, as an ogre, he will surely frighten his own kids. duh!! aren’t his kids going to be ogres, too? i’m thinking it would be a lot harder for them to relate to him if he were prince charming.

but i shouldn’t be too hard on old shrek, because i tend to think the same kind of goofy thoughts. i am amazed at how we set up ourselves and our kids to fail by buying into the whole fairy tale scene. the prince is always rich, handsome, well built and of course charming. the heroine is beautiful, pure, sweet, shapely, and helpless (wow is this sexist or what?). he rescues her and they live happily ever after. the villain is a mean stepmother, an ugly stepsister, a wicked witch, a troll, a giant or an ogre. notice how the hero has all pleasant traits while the villains get stuck with all the negative ones? using this standard, from the day we are born, immediately 95% of us are set up to fail. there are few charmings and beauties in the general population. life experience and negative reinforcement from family and peers leads us to internalize the fact that we aren’t good enough. we become the ogres. then, the chosen few come to believe that they have to live up to the persona that goes with their physical stature, wealth and good looks. it’s a lot of pressure, I’m guessing, a lot harder than we all realize and pretty much a lose-lose situation for all concerned.

i used to think that beauty and charming were lucky, but i am realizing they can never know if they are loved for their hearts (the real them) or just their drop dead gorgeous looks, sexy buff bodies, exotic sports cars or the magnificent castle. if we are the unfortunate that are labeled unworthy (ugly, fat, skinny, short, tall, weak, disabled, stupid, poor, not good enough, don’t have our act together…the list goes on and on) we will live our entire lives feeling “one down” always aspiring to be like the lucky one.

i have spent a lifetime trying (and i might add quite unsuccessfully) to live up to the prince charming ideal. and with my less than impressive credentials (no athletic prowess or buff physique, limited bank account and less than drop dead good looks) i have strived to win my beauty. in order to even the odds that God, society and my own poor choices have seemingly stacked against me, i put on the mask, that charming mask, and try to pretend i am better than i am. i can keep up the charade for awhile, but it is so hard to be comfortable, to be real, to live with that freaking mask in place. and trying to be “a player” seems so dishonest and gross. but without my mask the ogre in me will surely scare you away.

so here is the dilemma: be fake and have the illusion of happiness, always fearing you will find me out at any time or be real and risk rejection. hmmmm. for fifty odd years (and many have been very odd) this choice seemed like a no-brainer. but the older i get it just seems to take way too much energy to play this stupid game. after living the last few years in true community i’m convinced that beauty is not really worth fighting for. oh yes, she is alluring, lots of fun, and beautiful to look at. a trophy to impress my friends with, but just like me, with my mask on, she is not real either. not really worth pursuing. i’ve found it’s the heart that counts. mine and hers. being honest about our brokenness. embracing our messiness. living in the truth of who we are. who God thinks we are.

while prince charming and beauty pursue each other and search for “the land of happily ever after” i’m going to try to embrace my shrekness and keep an eye open for fiona as i live in real community.

Posted in community, healing, mike | 2 Comments »

KARL - I Like Cooking Shows

Monday, July 2nd, 2007

I think I might be a chef. I like cooking shows. Actually I like cooking shows better than I like to cook. I have opinions on most of the stars of the food network, and small crushes on two of them. I am an adequate cook, and on special occasions I tend to show off a bit, but I do not on any regular occasion whip up a gourmet meal, or any real meal for that matter. I just nuke some left over meat, toss a salad and call it dinner.

I am certain over the past ten years I have logged a couple of hundred hours watching someone else prepare fabulous food. I am familiar with many cooking styles and techniques, from Cajun to continental, braising to broiling. It is possible that somewhere in the dark regions of my brain I have the ability to create exotic dishes, I know I have watched hundreds being prepared, but invariably I stare into the fridge and fix the same 5 dishes every time.

I have just taken a break to eat breakfast, I am in the mountains so some survival instinct is triggered and I consume 6 times the necessary calories in case of flood or blizzard or something, and fixed pancakes. I know I have seen multiple episodes on the proper balance of flour, salt, soda, etc. I know the dangers of over stimulating the glutens and producing tough pancakes. I know this, but still I reach for the box that requires nothing more than water. If you can pour water, you can make these pancakes.

Here is my observation: I am fixed on watching someone else prepare food using ingredients I cannot find , with pots, knifes and gadgets I could never afford, in a kitchen that is larger than most of the entire homes I have ever lived in. Does watching someone else do what I feel inadequate to do, count as doing it? Am I chef because I like to watch chefs?

You may draw your own analogies, but I think there is something eerily similar to what we call being a Christian. As a faith culture we tend to primarily watch. I think if you were to analyze the most frequent activity of people wanting to be Christian, it would be watching. Watching someone else, who seems to have tools and spiritual gadgets I have never heard of, tell me how to live. How is it that in spite of all Jesus said about giving, loving, feeding, clothing, visiting, that we squandered the vast amount of our money on buildings? And have you noticed the buildings are not becoming smaller or more simple? Why? Because it allows us the best opportunity to do what we have come to believe will make us Christian–watching. We watch singing and call it worship, but that is just the set up, the appetizer, to the main dish, preaching. (I realize this is more descriptive of the evangelical church, especially those that emphasize Bible teaching versus liturgy). Ok, find me a time when Jesus said that listening to sermons was the most important thing you could do, and therefore justify the billions of dollars to accommodate that?

Watching cooking shows does not make you a chef, watching church does not make you Christian. What are your thoughts?

Posted in community, healing, karl, mega church craziness | 4 Comments »

detoxing from church

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

we know we sometimes drive people crazy at the refuge with our rugged rawness and lack of “professionalism”. where’s the power points, the lights, the 30 minute exciting inspirational message that gives you that shot in the arm you need to make it through the week? why do we ask questions and open up the floor to all kinds of crazy things that sometimes make us feel uncomfortable and awkward? where’s the predictability, amazing program & comfort that some of us have become so accustomed to? in the past few years we have undergone some major shifts in what we believe about church. we think that people are kind of hooked on church in a way that’s not super healthy–that if we don’t get a, b or c, then it’s not a worthwhile experience. that if we get pushed, challenged, made to feel uncomfortable, we bail. that sitting in a chair for an hour once a week, soaking in and not really having to do much more than listen is considered church. that we can be part of a church for years and still not be connected to anyone in an intimate and meaningful way. that our serving experiences need to be as pain-free as possible by keeping everyone on a once a month rotation for one hour timeframes so that they are not inconvenienced too much.
we believe the refuge is part of a movement in the body of Christ away from church toward real community. we recognize that this is against the grain and takes an incredible amount of work & risk; it is completely disorienting to some of us but what we believe is a more accurate representation of what Jesus meant. we are wholly committed to it at the refuge. and getting to it it requires detoxing. a pretty strong word. but we think it hits the nail on the head when describing what it is like to move away from our addiction to church toward a real and lasting intimacy with God & others in the Body of Christ. check out this article here, http://www.theofframp.org/Detox.html.
it is long but worth the read. we’d love to hear your comments.

Posted in church stuff, healing, mega church craziness, the refuge | 2 Comments »

MIKE: MONKEY HUNTING

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

I’m not a mighty hunter, in any sense of the word, but I do know how to catch a monkey– (1) make a hole in a fence that is just big enough for the monkey to get his closed hand through, (2) put a large piece of food behind the hole. (3) just wait a little while. The monkey will catch himself because once he has the food in his hand he will not let go of it, even if it means he is trapped.

Before we’re too quick to judge the monkey we need to think of times we have exhibited the same kinds of behavior. Drinking some poison (hemlock) in order to hurt someone who has harmed us. How about pointing a shotgun at our own heart, pulling the trigger, and hoping the recoil of the gun will somehow harm somebody we hate. My favorite is shackeling myself to the person who has hurt me the most and giving them total control of my life.

This is what unforgiveness will do.

Why would a person do such absurd things? Well, like the monkey, we aren’t willing to let something go. In the monkey’s case, it’s food. In ours, sometimes it’s revenge. Like Shakespeare said in The Merchant of Venice “we want our pound of flesh.”

Allow me to air a bit of dirty laundry. Almost 20 years ago I perceived that i had been wronged by a sister in law. We’ll call her May. Because of May I was put into the position of having to take sides, in a family feud, if I wanted to remain part of a dysfunctional family. Not having good coping skills, and armed to the teeth with self righteousness, I set out to right all the moral wrongs that had been done. “Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.” and I’m about the Lord’s business. When I was told if I didn’t want to dance the family dance I didn’t need to come to Thanksgiving dinner, I took revenge to one of the highest possible levels. For almost ten years I stayed away from ALL family functions. For over a year I kept my wife from seeing her family and my children from being around their grandparents and cousins.(You need to know this was a close knit family. We spent almost every Sunday and every single holiday you could imagine together). I proudly underlined Bible verses that gave me the right to stay away from May, but she still controlled my life. I could hear a comment that reminded me of her or see a lady that looked like her and in fifteen minutes time be so enraged that people working with me could see such a visible change in me that they told me I would have a stroke if I didn’t settle down. I remember a friend asking what was wrong with me and I told him my sister in law had really made me mad. When he asked me when I had talked to her I had to say 2 years ago. You’d think it had just happened considering how angry I was. May lead me around by the nose every day of my life.

God finally grabbed my heart when my wife, Debbie, was being taken off life support. With a hospital room full of relatives, doctors and nurses I apologized to May and asked her forgiveness. Oh the precious moments I wasted, all the happy family times with Debbie and the kids, times I can never relive. A few years ago I spent a few hours walking on a beach with my one time arch enemy, May. As we relive those ten years I again asked forgiveness for hurting her during that time. To my surprise and dismay she said, “You know I was never sure why you we mad at me, but it really never bothered me very much”. I was trapped like a slave, obsessed, and it didn’t even bother her. Wow, I guess I had really showed her.

I thought I’d learned my lesson, but a while ago someone hurt my little girl. And just like a man possessed I put the shackels of hate back on my own legs, took the food through the hole and won’t let go of it. Now I have a different captor leading me around daily—my unforgiveness toward May transferred to someone else. I’m not a rocket scientist, but I get a glimpse of sanity from time to time. In his book ” Velvet Elvis”, Rob Bell says we really know we have forgiven if we can pray for the person that hurt us and be happy when God blesses them. Knowing how that rascal God works He probably will bless them. So, I think I am getting it (I am a little slow sometimes). I know what i need to do with my captor: let him go, so I can be free. Drop the food. It’s not worth it.

But it’s just seems too hard. I’m going to have to think about this for a while. As I do I will sit here drinking this goblet of hemlock and dig out my rusty old knife and carve my pound of flesh, one ounce at a time, out of my own cold lifeless heart. Yeah that will show him how much he hurt us.

Or maybe I could……..

Posted in healing, injustice, mike | 2 Comments »

KATHY - Downward Mobility

Tuesday, May 15th, 2007

Well it’s official I am over the hill! 40 years old. I know those of you who have already hit this mark don’t have a lick of sympathy for me. My favorite card this year was made by my son Josh, who’s 15. Here’s what he made up:
Roses are red, violets are blue
You might be 40 but you look 22
Yeah, he’s a liar, but he loves me (and if you ever need a self-esteem lift, just talk to Josh, he’s the best at that). But really, I am realizing that this whole turning 40 thing has been harder than I thought it would be. I keep flashing back to the idealistic dreams I had when I was twenty. When I was young and stupid I definitely thought life would be a lot easier when I was forty. In my dream, I wouldn’t have to worry about money, I’d be at the pinnacle of my career, fairly chaos-free, I’d have my two perfectly behaved children and a maid who would clean my house every week. Somehow, someway in the last 20 years, things have gone awry. A lot of my friends from college are rich but I now make less money than I made almost 20 ago when I graduated from college. Chaos is a word many people use when describing my life, somehow two kids became five, and walk into my house and it’s quite clear that there’s not a maid to be seen! My big plans for upward mobility have been thwarted over the years. Things didn’t go quite the way I had hoped. What happened?

Jesus got a hold of me, that’s what happened. And he keeps ruining my plans for upward mobility. Every time I try to get it, it sort of slips away. I think that’s a little bit what happened to me in this past year and a half as I transitioned off the mega-church fast-track and back into real life. Power, status, money, whatever you call it, escaped me once again. Hmm, I am pretty sure those were the exact things Jesus railed against but I am so attracted to. Jesus’ plan seemed to be a lot more about downward mobility than up. That’s kind of the big idea in the Kingdom. Whoever is first shall be last and the last shall be first. The least of these…blessed are the poor in spirit…all of the things the world (and even the “church”) told me I should shoot for, achieve, do, really, in God’s economy, means nothing. God’s economy is about love, tangibly expressed. And boy am I surrounded by a lot of people who know how to do that well. Real, true, authentic people who don’t give a rip about upward mobility and 401k’s and color swatches for their walls. I am in the trenches with people who are fighting for their lives, trying to live it well, and fighting for mine, too. And they’re fighting for the lives of others who can’t fight for themselves, either. Yesterday I watched a video of the poorest of the poor in India, beautiful women and children ravaged by AIDS and living in the slums, sold into prostitution, sifting through garbage to find something to eat. I sat at this table with people who are smart, talented, educated who have sacrificed their careers, money, status and power, to care about the least of these. I was awed. And reminded, for the next 40 years, I will have to fight against my human nature to clamor for “upward mobility”, a bigger paycheck, more status and power and listen to Jesus’ call…go down, Kathy, downward mobility, that’s what I’m all about…

I need to be reminded that Jesus’ words of blessing to the poor, marginalized, the downwardly mobile was not a threat, a coercion technique to force me into a miserable life. His call to me to go downward is His methodology for the abundant life, the easy yoke He places. If I crave His peace and presence, then I guess I have to trust His methods. Funny, isn’t it, that I think more money, power, status will give me security and a strong sense of self? Yet Jesus says it will be exactly the opposite…if I find my life, I will lose it…

Posted in church stuff, healing, jesus, kathy, spiritual formation, the refuge, theology | 2 Comments »

KARL - Speed: Expectations of the Mega-Church

Thursday, March 15th, 2007

What is fast? I think I know because God has given me a gauge, an internal and irrefutable indicator of too much speed. It’s called the constricting sphincter. I remember riding with my friend who believed he could “feel the road,” so 67 mph around one lane mountain passes made all the sense in the world. I chewed a hole in his seat. I understand that speed is inherently a subjective and biased opinion. “Hey, I think we need to slow down” can be heard in planes, board rooms, back seats, athletic fields. But what about churches and God?

I was reflecting recently on the one year anniversary of my departure from mega-church employment and what is different now. The question arose, “what has been the biggest shift in what you believe?” It is about speed. I was pre-disposed to think that people change very quickly. A single sermon, or at the least a series, is all it takes to get things moving in the proper direction. One or two weeks of being stuck, just add a little spiritual fiber (prayer, Bible reading, and solid preaching, the evangelical elixir) and presto, unstuck. A few years of being stuck, you might need to throw in a few extra scoops of godly Metamucil—extra time with me as your pastor offering my eloquent wisdom and maybe a good book to read about your ailment, and voila! Ahh, movement. My apologies, I seem to be a bit stuck in the lower hemisphere for my analogies today. Suffice it to say the expectations in mega- church world are that people should very quickly resolve what it is that ails them.

One of the issues that lead to my demise of employment was I have some unresolved childhood stuff. I am insecure, frightened at times, a compulsive people pleaser and so on. But way more grievous is that I thought it should be talked about. I will give you a quote upon my departure “you need to go away with God and get this resolved before you are qualified to preach.” Get ‘er done! What is funny, is that the powers that be would think I had never tried that! Trust me, I would take an instant, miraculous healing in a second.

The shift in my perception and ability to pastor that has become the most noticeable this past year: take what you or your church believe to be the proper amount of time to experience change and simply multiply that number by 100. Change is a factor of 100 times slower than what you thought. Churches are in danger of subtly communicating the opposite, especially when all of our stories are of the victories we have and the quickly resolved issues. We begin to create communities of people who believe they are spiritual freaks, they are not like others because although they love Jesus and have begged for change, it still seems so far away. Real change takes time, and time isn’t all that glamorous. Let’s face it, The Refuge, it ain’t all that glamorous. It is sometimes ugly, frustrating to see a lot of pain and have it not be resolved quick enough for us to feel comfortable. I feel the same way about my journey of change, too. I want it to be neater, cleaner, and certainly more triumphant.

So we continue to hope for the simple fix. Just think for a moment how many times you have sat in church and you heard this preface to what it is that plagues us: “well, all you need to do is….” One problem, one solution, and fast!

When I hear that sentence, I start to cramp up, way too fast.

Posted in church stuff, healing, karl, mega church craziness, theology | 2 Comments »

KATHY - The Carnival

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

I am tired of the carnival in my head. I cannot take credit for this thought, my good friend John Nunez tossed it out there in a wacky conversation and the idea has lingered. I guess I latched on to it because it’s so….me. Most days there’s a carnival going on in my head.

Let me help you get the picture. Imagine I’m leaving a simple conversation with some co-workers, and the next thing I know I’m whirling around on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, being tossed to and fro by thoughts like “well that was a really stupid thing to say….what were you thinking? they think you are an idiot” or spinning round and round in the teacups with thoughts like “you’re a failure. you’re a failure. you’re a failure” repeating over and over with every spin. Or maybe it’s being trashed back and forth on The Zipper, every mistake I’ve made that day replayed over again until I feel nauseous. Unfortunately, this is what the inside of my head looks and feels like a lot. No one would ever know by looking at me. I look fairly sane, basically put together. But inside my head, I’m often at the circus. Even as I write this, the carnival is just starting to rev up, the engines beginning to roar into life for the new day ahead. Here’s what begins to happen…”You can’t say things like this, you guys are the pastors and look how messed up you are. Get your act together before you lead. If you really trusted God and believed the things you say you do you wouldn’t think these thoughts. Where is your faith?” The craziness begins.

But I can’t stop thinking the thoughts automatically. I have tried that, doesn’t work. Then I just feel more guilty, like I should be doing something that makes the thoughts stop coming. I have tried applying God’s Word and taking every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ like it says in 2 Corinthians 10. Of course, that is helpful. It is definitely a start of a shift for me, a recognition that the crazy thoughts I think aren’t the truth and I need to look at it in the light of Jesus and what He says about me. But that somehow hasn’t been enough for me because it’s way too lonely. Just me at the carnival gritting my teeth through another bad ride, hunkering down with God’s truth, still just leaves me feeling a little lost. (side note: truthful statements that don’t sound “Christian” really get the whole Tilt-A-Whirl going)

What helps me the most is asking someone else to come to carnival with me so I can notice how ridiculous the rides I am on really are. A few days ago I was at a meeting with some dear friends where I was safe enough to share some of the crazy, irrational thoughts I think most days. A lot of my current weirdness has to do with stepping out to help build The Refuge but it’s not all that. I have been thinking these things long before we began The Refuge—it has just plugged my head into a speaker system and the voices are all louder than ever. My friends didn’t do much. Not a lick of cheap advice or pat answers, no telling me that I just needed to pray warfare and it would all go away. Instead, they listened. They laughed. They shared some of their crazy thoughts, too. And you know what? I felt a little sliver of peace for the moment, that I wasn’t an unfaithful person who needs to get her spiritual act together, that I wasn’t alone at the carnival, they sometimes take some wild rides, too. In that moment, I actually felt God in some beautiful, mysterious way. He was just….there. The thoughts felt less crazy, settled down a bit, not as loud. For a little while, I was off the ride, actually enjoying some cotton candy and a lemonade at the carnival instead of getting whiplash.

Posted in community, healing, kathy | 1 Comment »

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »