There are a few chains of “natural” or “organic” food stores. The ones I’m most familiar with are Whole Foods (some of which go by the name Wild Oats here in Colorado) and a local chain called Vitamin Cottage.

Growing up in a small town in Kansas I didn’t have access to such stores and so when I ventured out to Colorado for college I discovered these stores, their exciting stock, their prices (it was hard for a college kid and now a poor mom to afford!) and their smells.

It’s a smell unlike any other.

Earthy may be a good word.

I think of Vitamins, Minerals, Soil, Clean Dirt and other unnamed but interesting smells.

It isn’t a bad smell.

Just different.

One my nostrils find pleasant, but noticeable.

In college it always meant a treat. That I could go and choose a few items that were healthy and happily made and were good for me and Earth.

It stills means this for me and my family. We currently don’t have any special food needs that require us to go but conscience about animals and earth will take us there as well as the desire to eat well and do our best to be good to our bodies.

These stores still offer food, treats, make-up, all that I could find at any grocery store or market but these stores smell different. These smells have marked my experience of food shopping.

Community (for me specifically within the Refuge) has been a different smell, not always pleasant, always noticeable, to the church smelling part of my nose. And it has marked my experience of church/Jesus/people/relationships/life.

I came to community with a bad smell in my nose. And it was one I couldn’t get rid of. No matter how hard I tried to smell for roses or even got to smell actual ones I couldn’t shake the smell out of my 2 nostrils. My forehead wrinkled at the pungent odors of bad/poor leadership, people/women/children being put down, hypocrisy, judgement, hunger for power, etc. I had smelled these smells for years! Almost 3 decades. And they were sadly more powerful than the good smells that I almost chanced to encounter. I had sniffed togetherness, love, truth, and healing wafting towards me but it seemed they were always smothered.

So, I came hoping (always stupidly hoping [or not so stupid I guess]) that I would smell something different. But, I never did.

Or I never could.

When I began my adventure with community almost 3.5 years ago I could not smell the difference. I looked around and hoped but really felt I was trapped in the same small kitchen where the toast was burning. Again.

I had to leave the kitchen.

For about 3 or 4 months.

And I tell you the air was fresh in my lungs and my nose enjoyed it. I really liked this smell. And then something shifted. I’m not sure what. I’ve been trying to pinpoint it and I can’t. Maybe it really did come in with the wind. But I was ready to try once more community. So I came back.

It smelled the same, but wait…also different…I smelled chaos, honesty, confusion, healing, prettiness and ugliness. All at the same time. All of the smells doing their best to co-exist. And, for the most part, they do.

I stepped out into a kitchen that was structurally the same. Same foundation, same walls and 2×4’s, but the burnt toast smell had been aired out. Someone had opened the window and painted the walls and put out fresh hand towels.

I was still me.
Smelling with my nose.
The community was largely made up of the same people.
I began to make friends.
Share myself.
Share my story.
Listen.
Listen.
Smell.
Smell.

Sometimes the smell of the chaos does sting my nose and makes my eyes water. Sometimes my eyes water because of the stink, but sometimes my eyes water because of the beauty.

For me, the truest community that I have experienced has been the strange natural foods store.

Shelves lines with food.
Silver, metal carts to wheel around.
Beeps as the checkers run the items over the scanner.

Community is still Jesus.
Still spreading his love, his hope, his story, his gospel, his good news.
Chairs full of people.
A table with bread and juice.

Still a church.

Maybe though, real community also has some items on the shelves…
Hope
Honesty
Open Brokenness
Open Healing
Shared Power
Equality is pursued
All natural people…no extra additives…or we’re striving to get them out of our system.

Community smells different.
Not bad, just different and it has marked my life.

On the campus of my small non-denominational Christian college were two paths. They formed a circle between the residential and academic sides of campus. Attending the college were about 1,000 students, mostly out-of-state kids excited to ski for Jesus. There was a custom that was quickly learned by each student: correct path etiquette. Although there were 2 paths one was bigger and well-traveled while the other one stunk like goose poop. If you wanted to see and be seen, you took the bigger path. If you wanted to hide - you breathed in fumes of digested goose food.

While on the main path when encountering another student you looked up to catch the eye of the oncoming student and you smiled a nice, healthy smile (teeth please) and you said, “Hi, how are you?”. All of this happened without stopping motion and the encounter was therefore brief.

2 Things You Did Not Want To Do:

1. Don’t look up too soon - timing was important because if you caught the student’s eyes too early then you would be stuck looking up and down and smiling until the appropriate time to talk and this was…awkward.

2. Do not forget to say your line, “Hi. How are you?” Always. One line. Easy to memorize but like all acting challenges difficult to say with truth.

When I first had this path encounter I thought it was great. It made everyone seem so friendly. It made everyone connect. But, slowly my anticipation of these encounters wore thin. I began to see that although a very important question was asked no one stuck around to get an answer. Everyone now seemed a fraud. No one really wanted to be my friend, no matter how many times we passed each other on the path, nothing was really happening. No connecting.

Fast forward to my first year out of college. I’m jaded and cynical and have a really bad attitude about Christian education and my first job post-graduation was as a receptionist. A church receptionist. For a really big church. With lots of money and lots of people. And my attitude worsened. The same thing was happening here , and with adults who should have known better! I couldn’t believe that adults with degrees in people and God were asking me “how are you?” and walking away before I answered. I began to try and answer honesty, but with efficiency, sharing things like, “I’m tired” or “I have to go to the bathroom” and I also began to try and just say, “Hi” and it was difficult. I didn’t realize how linked the greeting and the question were.

They are still linked. People still ask without the time or desire to hear a real answer. And often…people don’t even answer honestly…even if there is time…

I’m still tired of this path experience. For too long I’ve wanted to be known and so have chosen to walk the big path only to be smiled at without truth and listened to without ears. For too long I’ve wanted to hide and have breathed in lies about my ability to walk with others in the sunshine and clean air.

There is no easy solution. No “steps” to take but the step…a step…I’m talking about an actual physical step. A step forward to stand next to another person. The step that takes you out of the house toward the car toward your community of friends and faith. The step that takes you out of your seat next to your close friend and across the room towards the face you’ve never seen before (or have seen a million times). The step that brings you to the front of the room where you can tell your part of our story that will connect us all more deeply.

Community. I’m discovering that this word is so much more than a walk around a path with pre-scripted lines and eye contact. I think it’s about improvising. A quick nervous hug here, an intimate soul baring conversation there, In a coffee shop, a bathroom, after a movie night, in a car singing “Old MacDonald had a………” and sticking around to hear just what that old farmer was keeping around his barn. Hopefully it’s not goose poop.

Yes. Completion. I want it, I want to: reach some magic weight where my tummy begins to flatten with no ab work! To know that Stella will grow up and be nice and not hate me. To have good hair. To know that I’ve done all the right things and not missed out. To know for sure that Jesus loves me.

I think a lot of people don’t love me and sure, it may just be a matter of time before they realize the wonderfulness of me and love me, but what if they don’t? And if regular people don’t how can Jesus? How can this perfect man love this incomplete, imperfect me? This me who is hateful and jealous and petty? This me who is above all scared and fearful and who doesn’t know how to trust and believe? I don’t know. I really don’t know.

But, I’m learning some stuff. Because of relationships and community I’m learning. I’m learning that when I have the boldness to share my “crazy” then sometimes people share their “crazy” back and then, OH then, what beauty happens because now we know that we’re all crazy and God has worked a miracle and given love and friendship where once there was just surface and thin conversation. I’m learning that there is more than this search for completion. If I get out of my head and myself long enough there is a world to live in and people to love. And love. Ah, love.

“Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her…Then she will sing as in the days of her youth…I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion…In that day I will respond, I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth; and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and oil…I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’”

Maybe if I’m crazy enough I too, will be allured and where once I was not loved then I will be shown love. Love with justice. Love with compassion. Complete love.