So there is this new show on MTV called “If you really knew me”, and I have grown to really appreciate the mission of the program. The idea is that different high schools host a “Challenge Day”, where a team of speakers comes in to facilitate an intervention, of sorts. Each episode starts with a background of the high school, including issues of cyber-bullying, discrimination problems, and/or the concerns that come with the demographics of the area. The specific kids that are highlighted state the specific clique that he or she identifies with, ranging from jock, loner, emo, student council member, etc..
The Challenge Day starts with super fun physical activities at first, and then one of the facilitators talks to the teens about his/her life. The talk usually centers around the idea that at times in his/her life, they were in great pain, and what they showed the outside world was not congruent with what was really going on. The kids are then led into groups, with the directive to finish the sentence ” If you really knew me”……
The bottom line that they each learn (believe it or not) , that everyone has some level or inner pain.
Each time I watch this show, I think how much of life at the Refuge looks like Challenge Day in action. We are such a nutty and diverse group of people, try hard to be open, and deep down, we all really want to be known. Really and truly known, accepted, and deeply loved. I know I do.
Part of me wants to say, um, my community knows quite a bit about each other, and there would be no real surprises if we did this type of sharing session. However, since life is not linear, and it can look like a process of unraveling and creating, I thought that I would try to answer the question myself. Here goes.
If you really knew me, you would know that my mom died almost 9 ½ years ago, and I think about her every.single.day. You would know that I facilitate grief groups for kids, and that I learn more and more each week how deeply the death of a special person can impact us at our core.
If you really knew me, you would know that I have felt so sad about the parts of my life that my mom can’t be a part of, and that I almost didn’t go to my college graduation because I was so sad. You would know that my mom’s last wish was that I would have a picture of her at my wedding, and that the idea of the milestones involved with dating trigger the vulnerabilities of being without her once again.
If you really knew me, you would know that I am starting to push back against not only my fear of leaving my guard down, but also of starting a process foreign to me. You would know that I stopped dating in high school, when my mom was sick and dying. You would know that since that time, I have structured my life around busy-ness and activity and friends and protection. You would know that I am scared to share my life, and that I am so so bummed that my mom can’t be here to see the process unfold. You would know that I am starting to date, and that I have hoped hoped hoped that my mom is watching from afar. You would know, however, that I am really trying to let my real live community in, and let, in big and small ways, our refuge community be my family.
If you really knew me, you would know that I think that it is so beautiful how God heals our hearts in ways that are unseen. For me, this is one way that I am choosing to surrender, in hopes that the walls around my heart are permeable. If you really knew me, you would know that I am still pretty excited to see the next part of my life unfold.
Like in the show, my hope for our community is that we continue to know each other on a deeper level. Our appreciation for where we have been, where we are at, as well as where we are headed has the power to expand our love for one another. That, in my opinion, is one of the most beautiful parts of redemptive community life. And I am learning so much through being a part. I am learning, in scary and new ways, what it’s like to try to be known.
I wonder how you would finish the sentence “If you really knew me”…….?
Rock on with recovering life, Stacy! I read this crazy long book called Heaven by Randy Alcott, and I think if Christians who have died choose to do so, they can see what we are doing. Otherwise, how did the matyrs under the altar grieve and pray for those on the earth in Revelation in the intermediate heaven before the final heaven and earth become new? So I think your mom may be cheering you on and looking forward to seeing you again. In the meantime, so many children are benefitting from how well you know their pain.
Thank you so much for sharing Stacy. I am so glad to really know you. You are truly remarkable with the work that you do, and now I understand when and where the seeds of your compassion were planted. Love to you and much comfort in the next chapter of your life!
VERY beautiful, Stacy! Thanks so much for sharing and being vulnerable! You truly DO have a heart of gold and I’m so glad that God has allowed me to benefit from that in grace and love! I’m so glad you’re part of my family…we are all SO BLESSED to have you at The Refuge! p.s.-I’m scared to share my life too!
Vulnerability and honesty are key in relationships. It’s so important to be in a safe community for those things to develop and unfold. I hope your mom is watching from afar and can see the strides you are making and the beauty in all of that. Thanks for trusting us with some of your story.
Stacy, this is beautiful. So encouraging. Thank you so much!
i want to once again welcome you to the fam, sis!!!! :0) you are so, so loved and cherished… jeff and i love you, my children are in total love with you… what a neat blog post. very deep and vulnerable. i love this level of sharing with you and hope we can talk more over diet cokes SOON!!
Rebecca~ Thanks for reading, and for mentioning an interestng point. I have never read that book, but your response gave me something hopeful to think about. :O)
Robbie~ Your words always have som much beautiful power to them, and I am so so so glad that you are a part of of nutty community. xoxo
Tammy~ Thanks, Tammy. You are *such* a great encourager, for sure.
Julie~ Oh your words really meant a lot. Thanks for hoping with me.
Richard~ Thanks so much for commenting. Crazy paradigm shift how deep vulnerabilty is actually encouraging. :o)
Tami~ My heart just felt really, really happy reading your words. Love you.
Look what I missed - since November! But I’m so glad to have found it now, Stacy. To me these words, your exposed heart, hold almost too much beauty to behold. If you really knew me, you’d know that I am sitting here in awe of the pain God has trusted you with, and how you’ve allowed it to sculpt your heart. I miss you often, but feel like I just got to see you. Really see you. I love you. XO ~Deb