Note: I told Kathy that I wanted to write this piece on why I am choosing celibacy. I realized that I might offend some of unmarried friends who are making other choices in their lives. Please know I am just sharing my experience and what I have to say is not said with any judgment toward others. As we are talking about Living The Way at our Saturday evening gatherings, I realized this is a piece of what God has been deeply stirring up in me, for my life.
I have not sought to date since the break-up of my marriage. I had a really difficult time letting go of the bond that I shared with my husband. My friend Kay calls it an “unholy bond” because the man I was bonded with did not love me and did not treat me well. In seeking treatment and working through this break-up I have come to some realizations about relationships. My relationship with my ex started out as a physical relationship. The commitment between us came later. In fact, we had our first daughter out of wedlock and didn’t marry until years later. I know now that the bond that I felt with my ex was for the most part a physical bond. I have also come to realize how much my self-esteem was based on his physical response towards me. It has taken me a long time to let go of needing that kind of attention.
In addition, there was always a sense of guilt and shame that I carried around. I had been taught that sexual intimacy is sacred and shared between a husband and a wife. I had all sorts of intellectual arguments in my head as to why that kind of thinking was just old fashioned and outdated. Yet those arguments didn’t help me get past the fact that I knew I was sinning. Down deep, I knew that by compromising myself I was somehow violating God’s heart for me. No matter how I tried to rationalize it was all still there. It affected the relationship I had with God. It affected my ability to pray. It affected how I felt when I walked into church.
Four years ago when my divorce was final I had to decide how I wanted to go forward in life. I knew I wasn’t ready to date again. I also knew that I wanted to have healthy relationships with men. I decided to choose celibacy. What that means to me at this point is that I avoid anything that would bring about the desire for sexual intimacy. I really strive to see myself just as a fellow human being and not only as a sexual being. The good news is that I am building some healthy male friendships that are spiritually transforming. Sometimes it’s hard not to get that male attention that was always so important to me in the past. But, I am working on seeing what God sees when I look in the mirror. If there is a point that I do begin to date again then I am committed to keep good boundaries. I see the value in waiting and saving sexual intimacy for marriage. It’s what I want to model for my children and for the community around me. Through this choice, I am learning things about God and myself that I am so thankful for.
Julie,
Thanks so much for sharing. That’s the second time this week that I’ve heard the word “Sacred” come up in conversation in reference to sexuality. Love that there are people like you that see the beauty of this sacredness. I respect your authenticity in pursuing what “Living The Way” is.
Love, Mary
Julie, thank you for your courage and example! I admire your strength in this decision! May His Glory be revealed to you in this sacrifice of self for your children and community. I sometimes think a picture of a bride with combat boots on depicts amazing power…but, I’m starting to think that a picture of a mom ‘fighting’ for her kids probably depicts it even more!!! What a blessing you are to your children! What a blessing you are to The Refuge! You are a true prayer warrior!!!
Julie, there’s so much wrapped up in the choice of celibacy: denying oneself the physical affection we long for now not only because of the void but also out of the desire to re-write the damage from our past unhealthy relationships. It’s such a hard thing. I’m with you on this one, friend.
Thanks for sharing so beautifully from your heart on a vulnerable topic. I particularly resonated w/ your comments onlearning to nourish your self esteem in other ways beyond sexual relationships.
Thanks so much for sharing your sweet heart, friend. It is so beautiful.
i love the how complicated it all is sometimes. if only we could just lock little parts of ourselves away, take out sexuality for a fun time and then put it away again. but no, God has made us whole, an entire being and celibacy is a choice to integrate it all. you are a beloved sister, and i love your courage and tenacity! we are here to help you be the whole julie!
karl
Hi Julie,
Love you girl, XO~Deb
I so admire what you shared here. I wish I’d opened up to you more when I was struggling with this after my divorce. I know that God lets us know what is for our best, and still loves us when we chose less than His best, but oh, why are we ok with ripping ourselves off? Going after the brass ring, when gold is at hand? I did the single thing so terribly I chose to get married rather than continue to try (in my OWN strength - like that’s doable) Good thing Steve turned out to be the guy I hoped he was. And where he’s not, meh, neither am I!