The interesting thing about recovery is the constant awareness of new character defects. Drinking, sex, relationships, drugs are but mere symptoms of the inner drive to be the master of our universe.

I heard a remarkable quote the other day, “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ain’t it great! Your character defects may be different than mine, but I can attest to the truth of that statement.

Of course I understand that not all expectations have a negative consequence. Kind of like I understand not all soccer games are boring. But all my experiences with soccer are equivalent to heavy sedation.

For me, it always works this way: if I expect in an unhealthy way
eventually I end up pissed off and trying to control someone.

The crazy part is that when this happens I am always surprised.
Like the worst case of amnesia ever, I actually believe it will
work.

Here is a partial list:

• People I love will not irritate me (I have a very low
  threshold of irritation)
• My children will always make me proud
• My wife will always accurately decipher my mood and act
  accordingly
• God will do for me what He did for my friend in the same
  situation
• Churches will always be generous and safe
• If I help someone, they will express gratitude
• Good cars don’t break down
• Money invested always goes up
• The hamburger I ordered will look like the picture
• I should never get the middle seat
• If I am in the middle seat, I will get both armrests

Yes, that is right, it could be an almost infinite list and with
each example I have a story of corresponding resentment.

But what is so wrong with a little resentment? Is it not the perfect
way to let the world know it is not meeting the high standards of
Karl? Kind and truthful words will never accomplish the sense
of power that comes with pouting, smoldering, and withdrawing.

Here is my little nugget of understanding: I have never been
resentful without also being lonely.

What about you, how does it work out in you life? Do you know
the indignation of a failed expectation and the exile to the island
of alone?

This entry was posted on Monday, June 28th, 2010 at 12:14 pm and is filed under karl, recovery, relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.