Saturday night at The Refuge we are focusing on the season of Easter and signs of life and hope. This past weekend we discussed Jesus’ interaction with a crippled man at the pool. “Do you want to get well?” is how Jesus opens the conversation. One might think that must be rhetorical, just a polite starter. But of course, I doubt that. Perhaps Jesus really wants to challenge the man’s thinking and inertia with this question.
Lately I think I am tired of the healing process. I am tired of having to relearn and rethink my identity. I am tired of having to evaluate so much, live in my head so much. I am tired of trying new things, of learning new ways to live. Even though it is positive change I am experiencing, still I am in this place where I don’t want to go to a meeting, share a feeling or take a drug. But, I do want to get better, so the struggle continues.
How does a person get better? I am sure each person has a list of what has worked for them, but with rare exception it was preceded by the desire to be healed.
I don’t think I have ever said out loud, “Nope- don’t want to be any better, thanks.”
But I have often said, “ I don’t have time for a meeting, I cannot afford a therapist, I am not a morning person, I need some time just for me.”
As you reflect on this thought, this season where new life is trying to rise up in dead, crippled places–what has been your way of answering the question, “Do you want to get well?”
God, I get so tired of thought-wrestling.
Change is hard.
Give me the courage to engage in this hard work.
Give me the courage to feel.
Let me see it as a sign of life. A sign of faith.
Help me to see this struggle as drawing me closer to you.
And to others.
Remind me that you are with me.
Give me others who will understand.
amen.
Karl, I can totally, totally, relate to this.
I remember one time in college, when I was first starting to embrace my own brokeness for the first time. (SO fun. ;).. )I was having a conversation with a good friend about if we had choices: an easy, challenge-free boring life, or an exciting one, that had trials tributlations. She chose the former, and I , the latter. Neither of us really *got* the other perspective.. WHY, would you not want to delve into the inner world I wondered? WHY would you put yourself through anything harder than what circumstances throw at you, she responded?
The bottom line for me comes down to the message that you wonderfully articulated in your post. I want to be able to relate better, to feel more authentically me. I, too, want to be well.
Yeah, I feel the same.
Like I said before, “sure I want to be healed, but just give me a couple of weeks before I have to…”
Closing the gap, staying with it is the greatest challenge for me. It makes a difference over time, I keep turning toward healing and change because I know that I don’t actually have any better options. Jesus offers the best last hope, and it is real.
thanks stacy and sage!
friends like you make the whole journey feel more like a college road trip than dessert crossing endurance trek.
no doubt, our collective ability to laugh at ourselves has saved our sanity!
love and hugs to you!