Conflict. The word itself seems to activate some invisible force field around my heart. Insulating me, protecting me from harm–but ultimately separating me from stepping across to the shared intimacy of true community. My invisible “conflict” shield was most recently exposed when faced with the unexpected dissolution of my 24 year marriage to the man of my dreams. A great avoider and accommodate-r in conflict, I saw too late how my inability to face conflict in a healthy manner handicapped marital intimacy. But as such unwelcome lessons go, I am realizing my conflict/intimacy problem goes way beyond my marriage relationship. It impacts every relationship I have with friends and family, and even limits my ability to truly enjoy being ‘in community’. (Intimacy here is referring to that sense of closeness and belonging in a relationship.)
These days, learning to be a part of an intentional community is where the break-up of my marriage has led me. (This is definitely one of the good things to come from this personal tsunami!) I am so grateful to this beautiful group of people at the Refuge for being here with me and my kids. Our recent Saturday evening conversation on conflict was perfect timing for me. I realize now that I had used conflict as a wall, blocking me from intimacy of the heart in all my relationships. I need a bridge, not a wall. Is it possible that conflict can be that bridge, instead of the wall I had made it to be? Learning to see conflict as a bridge to intimacy is a whole new concept for me. I know the song “Love can build a bridge”; but who’s heard of anyone singing that “Conflict can build a bridge”? Doesn’t exactly stir up warm fuzzy feelings!
If conflict can lead to a true sense of closeness and belonging (conflict intimacy*), I knew I wanted to learn how to build that bridge. But I was missing a step… the step of self-intimacy. Learning to be comfortable ‘in my own skin’ is not easy for me. Even harder has been the lesson to become aware of my own feelings and to accept responsibility for taking care of myself in times of emotional distress. Focusing on the other person’s issues and avoiding conflict, or always accommodating other’s needs around me, was the only way I knew of ‘caring’ for my own feelings. But doing that kept me from a true sense of closeness and belonging…not a very effective way to have authentic relationships!
As for the conflict bridge to intimacy, I’m learning that stepping away from a relationship in conflict (at least momentarily), gives me a chance to check in with myself. What am I feeling? Why? What do I need to do for myself to be ok in this moment? With my self-care needs addressed, I can then approach the conflict with greater self-awareness and clarity. And a bridge to shared intimacy and true community slowly starts to replace the wall around my heart. (Hmm, I hear a new song in the air ♪.)
(*The Potter-Efrons, of the Relationship Institute have a great section on this in their book on intimacy, 2008.)
Michelle, Thank you so much for sharing these insights from your heart. It’s much easier to avoid conflict than build a bridge. I applaud your courage in seeking ways to be honest, care for yourself, and keep moving toward closeness with others. I’m so glad to be able to get to know you better in our little community.
thanks for sharing your heart, michelle. all of the things you saying are hard to do, but i think your on to something. conflict, no matter how strange it may sound, is a building block to intimacy. keep on building the bridge, my friend.
i am always amazed that conflict is for sure only appreciated in hindsight, sometimes even years later. but in looking back we realize without it we would have been stuck. conflict is most often the only vehicle out of a “stuck” scenario.
thanks for all the beauty you radiate as you walk this terribly painful path with such honesty and openness. you are deeply loved!