I think the faith/doubt conundrum is as old as dust.
It seems well enough documented that a person does not have faith until they have first had doubt. Most Christ followers seem to be able to articulate a time in life when they moved into a different relationship with God because they came to trust in Jesus. Perhaps our first experience with faith and doubt is clouded because it seems so clearly linear: I moved from doubt to faith and I liked the result. End of story.
Did we perhaps begin to believe that all of our doubts would so easily resolve in a nice package of comfort and belief? But what happens if one morning we wake plagued with angst and despair that it might all be a fairy tale?
I want to suggest a simple exercise to help us define what is happening in our moments of doubt. I believe I have distilled my doubts into just two possible types: I wonder or I won’t.
To keep it concrete, let me give a simple example of a proclamation I have alternately believed and doubted–God is love.
While all doubt was at one time in my life considered evil and the road to perdition, I now enjoy the warmth and invitation of an “I wonder” type of doubt. “I wonder” doubt is what keeps me on the road of faith. Much like a hiker is compelled to know what lies at the end of the trail or the view from the mountain peak, I wonder where this all leads. I wonder if God loves me is an invitation to find out, ask for others input, and check my experiences to see if they resonate with this concept. Of course not all people or experiences shout “yep, God is love”, but the journey most often leads me toward enough evidence that often when my head hits the pillow I am once again okay with the notion of God’s love for me.
“I won’t” doubt is very different. It is the frightening and dark part of me that causes me to dig in my heels, lock my knees and proclaim I won’t move another inch. I become immobilized, paralyzed, and actually quite comfortable in my defiance. “I won’t” believe God loves me is not a path but rather a locked room. The genesis is the same gut feeling called doubt, but unlike wonder’s call to explore, “I won’t” is a slamming on the brakes. It is satisfied with only the evidence gathered or experienced so far. In fact, “I won’t” doubt is irritated with any attempts to have its course changed to I believe.
I loathe simplistic solutions, and I am not attempting to negate years of struggle with a simple two step process. But, I recognize in me that doubt is often not about my lack of information (truth, scripture, wise counsel) or experiences, but about my pride and unwillingness to change. I am trying to be more honest about my doubt and live with the “I wonder” and examine more closely the “I won’t” pride that has never yet worked out to my good.
I wonder what you might be thinking… or doubting.
How do you get past the “I won’t” when trust is shattered. I used to read my Bible from the “I’m a Christian so I’m the good guy in this story” belief. Reading my Bible made me feel good about myself. The last time I read through my Bible, I believed I was the foolish sinner. I AM the blind person so used to the dark that I can no longer remember the light. I don’t read my Bible much anymore. I think it takes “light” to get from “I won’t” to “I wonder”. “I wonder” requires vulnerability. It takes being “open”–even just a little.
Children have spiritual milestones just like physical ones. First, they learn to eat (and poop) and hold their heads up. They then roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, etc. It takes nurturing, time, effort, and encouragement from parents as a child learns to walk. If children skip any stages, such as the crawling stage, it can actually cause learning problems as crawling opens certain pathways in the brain needed to learn. The very first emotional / spiritual milestone is trust. Without even the tiniest bit of trust, how do we learn (or re-learn) to eat spiritual food and hold our heads up? How can we crawl to God? Will we ever be able to walk with God without nurturing, time, effort and encouragement from His people? What if His people have been neglectful or abusive parents?
We need each other. That is why God told us not to avoid fellowship. But true fellowship requires an “I wonder” attitude–to be open. But do people have the kind of long term commitment and availability to be “God with skin on” for someone who can’t even eat–much less crawl? I wonder.