I recently started a new job in downtown Denver.  A friend suggested I take the bus.  I have been spoiled by my warm cozy music filled drive to and fro so it never occurred to me to take ‘the bus.’   Somehow I felt that taking the bus was a measure of my success…if I had to take the bus I wasn’t doing too well.   However after receiving my first paycheck, I realized it was time to give up my pride and start looking at life in reality versus the illusion I had created that I was better somehow.   I started to take the bus and it has been a blessing.   I’ve met the nicest people,  I don’t have to drive on 36 and I-25, I save money on gas and parking, I watch the sunrises and sunsets, I read, listen to music…I gave up my  pride and received an amazing blessing!

This small change has led me to reflect on what other areas in my life have not progressed because I have held onto  pride.  What have I missed out on because I didn’t  consider ‘what if I respond in a new way,  make a new choice”?   What if I forgive, have mercy, forget the past and look forward….instead of holding on so tightly to my way?

I think about Peter the Apostle and what his consequences were because of Pride.  He was broken and broken and broken until he finally came to a place of surrender.  He ultimately came to a place of the greatest love of all–Jesus–but he had to go through the hell of his making because of his ‘ego’, his ‘pride’, his control! 

As I look back on my life, now living half of it,  and think about how many times I chose pride over surrender,   I wonder if I had taken the path of surrender to God’s direction, leading, love, what my life would look like today?

Because of pride I lost a 25 year marriage.   My pride stopped me from getting the counseling I needed for dysfunctional behaviors growing up in an alcoholic family.    After a hard divorce and a two year rebound relationship I finally went to my first Adult Children of Alcoholic meeting.    The false image of myself was not working anymore and I was causing harm to myself and others when all I wanted was to give and receive love.  Through the years my pride held me back from seeking the support I needed from others and community.  I thought I could do it alone, be self sufficient  and I did not ask for help because I didn’t want to appear weak.   Pride in my life has led to judgment and prejudice!   

 God is now showing me that humility, love and honesty are the loving ways to the abundant life I long for in my heart.  Thomas  Merton says it well, 

 In humility is the greatest freedom.  As long as you have to defend the imaginary self that you think is important, you lose your peace of heart.  As soon as you compare that shadow with the shadows of other people, you lose all joy, because you have begun to trade in unrealities, and there is no joy in things that do not exist.  When humility delivers a man from attachment  to his own works and his own reputation, he discovers that perfect joy is possible only when he has completely forgotten himself.  And it is only when we pay no more attention to our own deeds and our own reputation and our own excellence that we are at last completely free to serve God in perfection for His own sake alone.

My pride has also kept me stuck in my past.   If I keep looking at the past and what I should have done or what I have lost, I will continue to stay stuck.   I believe God has heard the prayer of my heart for change and He is gradually bringing  me to  the simpler, humble life.   I make less money, have less material things, and less of many worldly things.  I believe Jesus is bringing me to His truth–His secret to joy – living with Him in simplicity and freedom.  He is calling me to cast my burdens on Him and rest.   I am learning that when all is taken away I come to the crossroads:  to take the path of rehashing the past, doing life my way or to see the glimmer of light, the eye of God in the clouds, saying “can’t you see I am showing you what you have been praying for….peace, joy, freedom.”    Being stripped gradually of worldly support systems is showing me what Jesus meant when he said “to die to your old self and become new so the walls are removed and  we can truly love each other” so I can love the Lord with all my heart, mind and soul and truly love my neighbor.    Jesus is transforming my heart to respond in a new way.    He is knocking down the walls of pride in me .  

Each day I have a choice….. to choose acceptance rather than blaming;  love instead of  rejection; friends and community instead of sadness and isolation; mercy, compassion and forgiveness rather than anger and resentment.   I desire Jesus ‘way!

I am learning that I am not on earth to serve myself but to serve God and when I do everything works.  I have to trust and not cling to things but cling to God and let go in faith.  

Thank you Jesus for your patience and love.  I  love you.  Thank you for what i am learning on the bus.  

This entry was posted on Monday, February 23rd, 2009 at 10:01 am and is filed under body of Christ, community, healing, identity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.