I am math illiterate. It is really with quite a bit of shame I admit it. I can do arithmetic and nothing else. To this day, I do not understand why, when in an obvious math situation, an “x” or “y” can suddenly appear? The reverse is not permissible, and I can not when grasping for the proper word get frustrated and slap a 7 in its’ place, can I?
What I remember about my math journey in school was that the other kids got it. Each class the teacher would add just a bit to the previous day’s knowledge, each student nodding their understanding. I would look alert, straining to recognize something, but it was always the same thing: as soon as the alphabet showed up I was lost. I tried, I spent time with the teacher after school, and in his presence I seemed to finally understand, but as soon as I was alone in my room, numbers and letters were mortal enemies.
I had a flash back last Friday night. I attended what we call at our faith community a House of Refuge, and this was the first night of a 3 month series on healthy relationships. I am not new to this sort of thing, I know how this is going to go, and pretty soon I will be completely lost. After 46 years is it time to admit I can not do math or healthy relationships?
I know that pretty soon the algebraic concepts of relationships will emerge, ideas such as saying what you need, expressing anger in healthy ways, boundaries and co-dependence. And I will be completely lost. I see my friends, and they seem to get it, somehow this makes sense to them. I can not grasp it. I do other things well, just as in school I appeared to be a bright student. I loaded my schedule with history and language arts, I compensated. I am good at getting people to like me, think I am smart about God and life, I have loaded my schedule with helping people. But actually being a friend? An intimate partner for my wife?
That looks like x=yx %z +\+=
An A in this class is impossible, out of reach at this stage. I am without too many of the basic concepts. But I can learn, can’t I? I am sure to fail tests and be at a complete and utter loss over and over again, but I guess this time I am leaving a little hope that maybe, just maybe, the lights might come on and something might just begin to make sense this time. A D is better than an F, right?
Oh wow, I’ve had my mind on this very subject lately, so I’m going to take this moment in time to chew on it a bit as i write. The beauty of blogs…
I think it’s interesting that one of the things that made a whistling noise as it sailed through my brain was, “geez, Karl… you’re a pastor and you don’t get relationships??” ok, i’m willing to say so…
It’s interesting because I KNOW that humanity is not that shallow or simple. And it’s SO funny because I don’t know of even ONE person PERIOD who has it together, not even the ones who try to make it look as if they do.
So I’m gonna unpack this a little and process as I write, because I want to know, too, how it is that I just don’t get it sometimes.
It makes sense that we, as wackadoo humans, do not just automatically “get” some things. I definitely need Him!Every single one of my heroes in the Bible had some kind of crap to work on, algebra to them. Peter musta been seeing polynomials big-time on trust issues… Paul was without a formula in the middle of y-intercepts with regard to his own desires and actions. And David, the poor guy could have really used a tutor and one of those “Idiot’s guide to…” books.
Anyway, here’s something that I read today and I’m really wanting it to penetrate my heart, cu it just does my heart good:
“Ah, but,” you say, “look at my condition! My graces are not bright; my righteousness does not shine with apparent glory.” “What we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him.” The Holy Spirit shall purify our minds, and divine power shall refine our bodies, and then we shall see Him as He is.
He sees the best in me, what he made me to be, even when I dont “get it”. such a good Dad…
that is the mind bender, that i am a pastor and probably appear to have good skill. what is funny, is the better i look while up front, the worse i probably am? i have no problem spotting others poor relational skills, or even teaching on it. hmmm, there is word for that…..
karl
I’m out here in VA ready to do just about anything for some spiritual authenticity!!!!! I know this is the Refuge’s blog, but while church shopping, we always seem to talk about Karl.
Karl, why are you so dang hard on yourself?? It seems to me that if there is a point you are trying to get past and feel you “should” get past but can’t…is it possible that while here on earth you just will not be able to? If you feel like an alien, it’s because you are!! I mean, I don’t know all that goes on inside you or in your relationships, but I do know that both George and I have always felt loved by you and genuinely cared for. You model relationship well. You’re real and raw and open. You can’t be everything to everyone and no one should expect you to be! I think that as long as you are an alien in this world full of flesh, you may never fully realize your relational desires. Don’t you think so? Or am I totally missing something?
Back to church shopping (which really does suck), we met Jack Mercer today, the pastor of Harrisonburg Baptist Church. He used to work with Rick (or Richard?) Irwin who I’m pretty sure I remember spoke to us at The Community about Joshua Station. They pastored together in Chapel Hill.
I’m pretty sure Jack is the only pastor in Harrisonburg who has read Blue Like Jazz, anything by John Eldredge or Erwin McManus, and he gives some meaty sermons. We went to the “young adults” sunday school class (we were informed that includes people up to age 35)and they were talking about Romans chapter 3…the last quarter of it. The “teacher” was asking us what we should do in response to the gift of grace God extended to us…how SHOULD we live, what does God EXPECT of us. My heart started beating quickly and I felt my temperature rising and then, I’m sorry to say, I exploded. I’m pretty sure my neck turned bright red. I was looking at these people crammed into the room and wondered what they must be thinking. Wow, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to do these things all the time…or this doesn’t sound like much fun…or When is this going to be over so I can stop feeling so miserable about myself…etc. Here I am, a visitor, and I said, “Can I say something?”. And I did…I hope I made sense. Heads were nodding and there were even a couple of amens so I don’t think I was saying what no one else was thinking. Or maybe that is just what Baptists do when someone is talking, I don’t know. Anyway, I felt so inspired sitting through the lesson. I realized that we have been fed a lot over the last 7 years…by you, Karl, and April and Juris and Ron and Mark and Jason and Adrienne and so many others in Colorado. We have been filled up so that we can feed others. I’m scared to death! But I’ve learned that this has zilch to do with me. That it has to do with God and others.
Wow, I’m a total blog hog. Sorry.
So…I’ll keep you posted. I’ll be in Denver March 6th-13th and would love to see you guys.
E
Major downer dude! Due to some memory loss I had to learn coping skills from scratch. One of the things I had to learn was focus. Finding something positive to dwell on in my life was like walking through a mine field. There were so many things to blow up in my face and I spent hours being unhappy. A little focus can’t change circumstances but it can change the way we preceive life.
The math analogy is funny. I’m 45 and still have nightmares about having to go back to high school and try to pass Algebra! And I still struggle with transparency. If you (whoever you might be) really knew me you wouldn’t like me, I’m sure. Continued effort towards getting better at relationship algebra is worthy work. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.