Tony Barker was the smartest sixth grader in the country and happened to be in my class at school. I remember when he brought War and Peace to class for his “free reading” selection. No teacher was qualified to teach him math, so he taught the class. At the age of twelve he aspired to become a neurosurgeon. He became one of the youngest tenured professors at the University of Colorado. But what I most vividly remember, the memory that is first in line for recall is…
In sixth grade Tony Barker wet his pants.
This past Sunday at The Refuge I shared a significant flaw in my character, a specific horrible moment that could have ruined multiple lives. It is probably not my worst moment, but it is certainly up there as something I would much rather forget. Now that I have said it out loud, publicly, it will now be a part of the mosaic that influences how I am known and remembered. Yes, how I am choosing to live now matters, but nothing will erase the memory of my bad choices. Hard to believe? What comes to mind with this name?
Monica Lewinski
A single act, whether stupid, evil, or silly influences our memory so dramatically it can overshadow all our other accomplishments. This is why it is always vital to remember the ellipsis.
The ellipsis (aka dot.dot.dot….) is the literary equivalent of Grace. We live in a world of periods. End of story. That is it, you are what you were, I have all the information I need. It is a life without grace. And I am fairly used to living that way. I forget that our lives are constantly being written, yes significant chapters have occurred and some of those chapters include some pretty ugly mistakes, but maybe the climax is yet to come?
The power of the gospel is that my story is constantly changing. It is my job to believe each person I meet, especially those who are part of the rag-tag community we call The Refuge, are not yet who they one day will be. Even more difficult is to believe it about me. I’m learning to believe my life is more like an ellipsis…the story isn’t finished. I must live this by not hiding, but trusting you will see me slowly become more of who I was made to be. I cannot end my loneliness if I am hiding in the shadows of someone’s distorted admiration.
I am …
Who knows where or how it will end?
Karl I’m sure hoping that you are recieving nothing but grace from all of us and that you are lavishing it on yourself as well…you know God is!
I can only imagine the weight this ‘confession’ can take off of you AND April. I have no doubt that even deeper healing is in store for each of you.
Your decision to let your reputation take a back seat to being transparent is inspirational and so very courageous.
I also want you to know that I can sooo relate when I can say to you with utter certainty that I can see God’s grace all over you, and it is so hard for me to see it on me.
Thank you for being an example to us by doing the hard thing…the ‘light’ thing.
Much peace and grace Brother!
Deb
karl, my respect and love for you went way up on sunday as you shared your brokeness and past with us. i have never been in a church where the pastor had the guts to reveal something really dark about himself. kudos to you!!!!! rob bell says “i cannot lead people somewhere i am not trying to go myself. i don’t have to have arrived. i don’t have to be perfect, but i do need to be on the path. and that’s why for so many the church experience has been so shallow-so many leaders have never descendes into the depths of their own souls. they haven’t done the hard, difficult, gut wrenching work of shining the bright lights on all of the years of baggage and destructive messages. it is so hard to look deep inside yourself. my experience has been that very few people do the long, hard work of the soul. maybe that’s why Jesus said the way is narrow”. i am so thankful, that at the refuge, we have pastors like you and kathy, who will lead us on our journey to do all that hard work of the soul. i’ll make you a deal.you keep seeing God’s grace all over me and i’ll keep seeing it all over you. you my friend are the real deal and i love you.
Kudos for this statement.
“The power of the gospel is that my story is constantly changing. It is my job to believe each person I meet, especially those who are part of the rag-tag community we call The Refuge, are not yet who they one day will be. Even more difficult is to believe it about me. I’m learning to believe my life is more like an ellipsis…the story isn’t finished.”
I Strongly recommend a book called “In the Meantime, the Art of waiting well” By Rob Brendle. He is a fellow pastor just down the road from you in Colorado Springs. It is a wonderful narrative on the life of David, his own life, and a lot of humor. Great wisdom on seeing your life as a process and growing.