Last week, my best friend Elaine sent me a donation to help fund my role at The Refuge. Jotted at the bottom of the sheet she only wrote four words: “We believe in you.” I immediately started to cry. I’ve been crying a lot lately; the past 8 months have been some of my hardest. I have been so vulnerable, scared, straining to listen to God but struggling with the din of the Enemy’s voice that always tells me that I really don’t have what it takes to be a pastor, that I’m all washed up and should just go try to find a real job.
“We believe in you.”
In the same group of mail was a donation from an outside friend of The Refuge. He wrote us a letter and said “Kathy and Karl, we just want you to know we believe in you and what you are doing at the Refuge.”
“We believe in you.”
A few days later I had coffee with my friend Brenda and she gave me a belated birthday present. The card said “I believe in you” across the top with some beautiful thoughts about God’s heart for me. I was a little surprised. I’m not a big believer in “signs”, but I know there was something here I wasn’t supposed to miss.
“I believe in you.”
It’s not hard at all for me to believe in YOU, my dear and faithful friends at The Refuge. That’s not a stretch at all. I can see God all over the place, at work in your life. I can see the hard work you are doing to try to find Him, God’s healing happening, changes being made, that He has a great plan for your life and wants to give you a hope and a future. I see all of your gifts and talents, all the things that could be. The beauty despite your pain. Believing in you is a piece of cake.
Believing in me isn’t so easy. I have great faith for you and little faith for me. I am realizing this more and more lately, how difficult it is for me to really believe God is going to take good care of me. Wouldn’t I live a little different if I really believed that? I would trust more. Risk more. Doubt less. Fear less. I am tired of feeling afraid. Aren’t good Christians supposed to be confident? Aren’t we supposed to have prayed our way toward perfect peace? Isn’t God’s will supposed to be more clear?
But then I think about most every character in the Bible and quickly arrive at a helpful reality–they were all afraid, too. Maybe even more afraid than me?????? They didn’t believe they could take the next step, go any further. They were often paralyzed, tired, ready to give up. But God kept pursuing them, calling them to listen and obey the crazy things He asked them to do.
He always has the bigger picture in mind. I can never see the bigger picture; I want to so desperately. I struggle to see something that I am starting to realize is impossible for me to grasp. I can only live for this moment. Do my best to stay in when I want to run and strain to listen for God’s hope, help…please, God, just something that I can hold on to.
I think God is speaking to me through my friends. I think He is reminding me that He believes in me. That He knows my life feels hard, that it’s been confusing. He understands I have doubts, fears, that I want to give up. But He doesn’t want me to miss the beauty that exists in this desert. He doesn’t want me to forget the amazing people He has put into my life that love me no matter how small my faith is.
My friends help me believe.
That’s why we need each other so desperately. I want The Refuge to be a community that believes in each other the way God believes in us. Where we see in each other what we can’t see on our own because we’re too messed up. Where we call out God’s plan in each other’s lives and remind each other that this journey is worth it. Where we show up for each other and send little notes out of the blue that say “I believe in you.”
When I worked at a large corporation, we had a team-building day with some of the other organizations that we interacted with. This involved forming and reforming groups and solving a series of problems together. One of the exercises was for each of us to climb into a tree and fall backwards into the arms of the other members of our group. It was scary – we had to trust that they could catch us, would catch us, and be strong enough not to drop us. This was a trust-building exercise.
We don’t have to believe in ourselves if we can jump out of the tree and believe that God is big enough, strong enough and smart enough to catch us in His arms. After all, it is He who sets us out on that limb in the first place.
Doubts will creep in as they are wont to do. I think doubts are good because, ironically, they can bring us to a place of peace. When we start to doubt our own ability, then we can remember that we aren’t supposed to rely on our own power - that He wants us to rely on His power. If we can remember that, then we can rest.
That’s the logic of it, but I can tell you that logic often fails me, and then it takes a leap of faith. I have to jump every day. I never get any better at it (with all the practice) but guess what? He hasn’t dropped me yet.
He won’t drop you either. And we’ll all be here cheering for you and encouraging you as you fly.
i must say i take some comfort in your insecurity. of course, not the pain of it, but i know what God has done through you for me and so many others, and i have no insecurity that God is going to keep doing that.
i also think that it helps live this thing out, in a way maybe it is not our job to be so secure, but that is what those around us are to be doing. I think humility has been lost as value, but you model it so well. You don’t hold back, you just always keep asking the right questions. that gives me great comfort, that you are willing to be changed, in fact you are always wanting to become fully the person God made you.
there are times when i desperately need for others to believe in me and let me know it. when that happens i do believe in myself more, which for me equals hope, something i can’t do without. i remember when a friend actually told me, “God believes in you.” that sort of tweaked my brain a little, but of course it is true–for each of us. and He desperately wants us to know He never gives up hope in us or in that bigger picture that we are part of. that is believing in us, isn’t it? the more i can hear and believe my friends’ voices echoing my Father’s voice, and take to heart the truth, love, and healing that are coming my way, the less i will listen to that liar that wants me to give up. it would be sad for me if i gave a friend encouragement and they chose to believe the enemy instead. but, maybe they need to hear it over and over for it to become more real. i want to have the courage to keep at it, as i hope people will have the courage to keep at it with me.
(so glad you received your ’sign’ from God and so glad you shared it with us. woo hoo–great job on your first post!)
kathy…the fact that you recognize how God is using others in your life is so huge. for me a life without people who believe in me, is a life without God. i have been living this life for the past few months.
why am i hanging on? it’s hard to say, but i do know that i have a dear friend who returned my e-mails when others didn’t, who reminded me i was loved, who recently shared tears with me, who sought my forgiveness, and who invited me to her church. i don’t believe in much right now…but i know i have a friend who has not given up on me, and for that i thank you.
In reading this blog, I was reminded of something I just read yesterday in a book, Velvet Elvis. High recommend this book if you’re looking for some good summer reading!
Rob Bell says…
A rabbi would only pick a disciple who he thought could actually do what he (Jesus) was doing. Notice how many places in the accounts of Jesus’ life he gets frustrated with his disciples. Because they are incapable? No, because of how capable they are. He sees what they could be and could do, and when they fall short, it provokes him to no end. It isn’t their failure that’s the problem; it’s their greatness. They don’t realize what they are capable of.
I have been told I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I’m learning is that Jesus believes in me.
And, Kathy I also believe in you.