I’m one of those who loves you more for your honesty and vulnerability. Paul admitted his weaknesses. I’m so sick of the “I’m a better Christian than you because I get paid (or “I’m a man)” crap that most pastors ooze.

I would much rather walk with you (or have you walk with me) than to have you lead. Thanks for stopping, turning around, and letting me walk with you instead of behind you.

I was saddened by the comments made by Laura. On one side she said she loved Karl’s abandonment and being real…but, after she had blown apart all he was being real about.

They say being vulnerable is giving someone a weapon they can then hurt you with. Karl’s vulnerability is one of the things I most respect. Karl, I hope when you get hurt by comments on this blog you will not lose your abandon. Because there are some of of who love you all the more because of it and will not use your honesty as a weapon.

My name is Diane Kenley. We have met briefly a couple of times both at the camping trip and at the Refuge. I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your blog about depression and food. (I tried to leave a comment but my computer wouldn’t let me…? Technology, you have to love it!)

I can complete relate with everything you wrote. Yes, I am female and we are more likely to use food as a vice or comfort, but I was impressed with your candor and tryly shocked that men actually go through this as well!

In 2000, I turned 30 and my metabolism all of the sudden came to a screeching halt. To top it off, that was the year my I placed my son was in a residential facility for 9 months due to his violent rages from his bi-polar disorder. My life was turned up-side-down. I felt like I was in one of those snow globes and God wouldn’t stop shaking it! I tried to fill my “free” time with work (I had 3 jobs), hobbies (I took up jewelry making) and visiting my son every day but I couldn’t shake the depression and the feeling of failure as a parent. Hence, I found food… It didn’t matter what kind of food it was. As long as my stomach would allow me to digest it, I would consume it.

It has been 6 years now and I still haven’t lost the weight. I still go through bouts of depression and become the “lady at the troff”. I consume like a famished child even though I have never known the true feeling of hunger.

I am an educated, smart woman BUT have this uncontrolled obsession with food. This makes me feel awful about myself. In my younger years, I modeled and was considered quite the catch. I had a choice of men at my disposal and had the freedom to chose any one of them (I am not trying to toot my own horn, I am just stating what I observed). Now a days, I am lucky to get a “hey, she’s kinda cute” glance!

I am working with a dietitian and know the steps to take to help aid in weight loss. But where is she at night when I need someone to pry that piece of pizza out of my hand?

I am writing all of this because it explains a lot about my relationship with God. I haven’t lost faith but I do not have the trust I need to let go and let God. Just like it is with that piece of pizza, I am in control. That is my main obstacle - control.

Being a single mother of a (slightly) special needs child, I feel as if I ALWAYS need to be in control. This effects my home life as well as my work. I can not seem to let go and let God take the wheel…

I am very greatful to Geoff and Pam Nelson for introducing me to the Refuge. I have been looking for a church that I feel comfortable in for a long time! I am not privy to the “cookie cutter” churches where everyone dresses up and talks to no one and then proceeds to live the work week without the presence of God.

The Refuge has allowed me to be me. That is very unusual. I am still getting used to engaging in conversation with others, no holds bard. However, I feel comfortable at the Refuge and believe me, that is no small feat!

I know that it will take time for me to loosen the reigns of my life and let God take control, just as it is taking time for me to get used to my new eating regime. However, for the first time in a long time, I feel ready to try!

Thanks to both you and Kathy for making me feel welcome, despite my weight and tattoos I look forward to next Sunday!

With much gratitude,

Diane Kenley

bd

It must be hard to be famous and yet still feel you have to maintain an image. Is that the price of fame? That’s what I reject. That’s why I burned out and turned my back on music and any kind of ministry… but you kept plodding along… despising your baby face, performing antics and putting people’s fears and loathings and distrust into comic terms. Maybe you did that for the same reasons that I became suicidal and felt like God had created a joke when he created me… because I lived on the edge of bankruptcy for so many years…trying to work out my musical calling. I was so bitter that when I met Bill who made the wage of a hospital aid yet oozed gratefulness for another day to wake up, I knew I had to latch on to that guy.

You are a genius in an artistic sense. But, having a similar “gift”, temperament and motivation, I know what kind of work and torment you can put yourself through to come out with “the product”. “The hit quality product”.

This is hard for me to read because I have loved you as initially my best friend for years, and later incognito, when I heard rumors of you soaring through the sky, and I was left behind by you and also by God and by his entire family. Finally, in my place of smallness and yet grateful and learning to trust God to lead me in his timing, I have loved you as someone who recognizes your need to be known and to find your place in Christendom. That hurts me that you are still struggling with that, and that is probably what causes a lot of your depression.

Does your eating come from the depression, or is there a physiological need for sugar and then, when you see it is not metabolizing, you become depressed? I’m not into pop psychology.

You see my weight. I have struggled with the world’s impressions of me because of my weight, my lack of glamour, my refusal to use sex to sell gospel. I have dropped out musically because of it, and basically said, “fuck you all”. One thing that really became a turning point, was that IMAX show on Jimangi (the movie) where the artists had to recreate the gait of the elephant running through the streets, and how difficult it was for them to copy what God has done in their art. I began to realize that whales and bears and elephants and all kinds of shapes and sizes are just what God intended to make. Some of the best theologians and songwriters where huge in size. How could they not be trying hard enough? I loved your punch-happy humor in all these blogs… including your fact receptacle…but I pray to God it is a passing thing and that you can find rest for your soul in him.

What if he intends for you to be fat and happy? Hu? It’s a question worth exploring anyway. I’ve found a lot of peace exploring my worst fears. What’s the worst possible thing that could happen? Maybe you could have an early heart attack and go to heaven? Maybe you could have a stroke and have to trust God to care for you through all the people you doubt really love you? Will you stop living for physical highs and rewards and take that time to work out what’s going on in your soul before God? I don’t know what to do with the numb stuff either. I sit in the house a lot and read and refuse to feel guilty about it. I make appointments for myself to keep me productive even when I don’t feel like it. The rewards for reading, thinking, writing, processing, and being productive even when I don’t feel like it are enormous.

Being a good steward of God’s gifts and being a performer are two different things. One is slower, more faithful, less like a human firework. Part of God’s gift to you is your suffering and the wacky performance aspect that comes out of feeling so uncomfortable. I do that too. But the “hype” part can only have a down side…like a roller coaster. Can you trust God through the suffering, and not have to make all the common days either a high or a bottom? These are questions I have been trying to apply.

I am asking God not to make me thin, but to make me faithful. Not to sell my houses, but to not let me loose faith, and to grow my spirit. If I can earn money through my new songs that are better than my last… will he help me live with my new commitment to discipline and help me honor him in my performances? If following him costs me the approval of all those people I so admire, can I keep walking and being faithful?

Well, anyway, you are brilliant, but you don’t have to prove that anymore. The better part of your life should now be turned to loving people and trusting God. Pour yourself out. What I loved about your blogging was the pouring yourself out in total abandonment because you will catch some fish by being that real in your suffering and poor decisions.

I went to bed last night with a line for a song swinging in my head. “We make imperfect decisions in this imperfect world.” That’s why we aren’t fully baked when we first come to the cross. We have to keep baking in his grace and mercy… and I know that you know that baking isn’t only reading the word two times a week… there’s so much more to meditation on the Lord in our crazy lives and world and conversations and actions.

Laura
http://www.worldsapartmusic.org/

I don’t have any answers because the answers are different for each of us, but I know this: 1. There is always hope. 2. You have friends to listen, understand and encourage you. Even some you don’t know very well.

Don’t give up.